Just another BFN...

It's another NO this cycle and yes, that is sad. But what is even more sad is that I think we've decided to stop trying.

While talking about our next try we decided to go through our finances. With everything laid out in front of us it was such a shock and such a wake up call to just how much we have spent on this already. What we owe because of TTC already.

I have no idea if we'll change our minds and go for another try or two. I doubt it, but I guess at this point anything is possible.

This is a very sad day in our lives. I hope I can keep on posting. I hope I can continue to be happy for all of my friends who have recently found out they are pregnant, and for the friends who will soon become pregnant. I hope I can get out of this bitter angry hole that I feel is so deep that I can't see any way out. I hope I can find the strength to know I will be living the rest of my life childless like Queerstork did and with as much grace as she did.

I want to thank all of you out there in blogland for all your support and I wish you all the best of luck in your journeys.

Sincerely,
Abby & Kathy

2 more days

The TWW is almost over. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. The progesterone is playing tricks on K. Once second she feels pg and the next second she feels like she has PMS. We don't really talk about it. We aren't getting our hopes up. I think it's so sad when so many bad things have happened when you can't even get excited about trying and to not even allow yourself to have hope that a try is going to work.

We'll test at home tomorrow night because as I've said before I never want a stranger to tell us the news. Especially if it's a BFN. I'd rather let K be prepared for that news and already be in the mindset that we'll be trying again.

I'll update everyone as soon as I know something.

TWW

Both insem's went well. Donor numbers were much better this cycle. Day 1 there were over 25 million and Day 2 was over 21 million.

Our TWW so far has been uneventful. We're not stressing or dwelling over anything.

The RE said that if this one doesn't work he wants us to go one more cycle and if that one also doesn't work he wants to have a consultation. We weren't told more then that. We've talked and we know what direction we will want to go, but there is no sense in concentrating on that because I'm really hoping that it won't go that far and this will be our cycle.

Even though we aren't getting all excited and talking baby names or what the baby room will look like that doesn't mean we aren't still really hoping for the best. It is purely self preservation mode at this point.

We'll test at home Tuesday the 29th and the blood test is Wednesday the 30th. It is out of our hands at this point and just praying alot.

I hope all is well out there in blogland. Talk to you again in a little over a week.

TTC Update

I'm very behind on my TTC update. As I mentioned in my last entry we've had a lot of company and my parents were just in town. That went really well. Probably the best visit I've had with my Mom in years. Not that we aren't close and not that I don't love her. We just don't mesh all the time.

As for TTC.....

We insem today and tomorrow. I feel like time went by really fast and I can't believe it's here already. Which means our TWW will go by really slow. K had definitely 1 probably 2 follicles from the right again. Nothing has come from the left in the last couple of cycles. She had that huge cyst on the left this month. That could be the reason for that.

K and I talked last night about some of how we are feeling and what has been bothering both of us. That I know will help alot get us through this next try.

I know I say this every month but wish us luck, keep your fingers crossed, send us baby dust & good vibes!

A post all about me....

I am feeling a little better and I want to thank all of you for your loving comments and well wishes. It helps so much.

I know how selfish I sounded. I'm better then that and K and I are fine. We're always fine. I'm just having a harder time with this then I thought. I really did want to carry and it makes me feel more broken then ever that I couldn't. I'm also worrying again that I'm really not going to be seen as a real parent to her family. I know this worry has come back because she didn't even mention me when telling her Mom about everything that has been going on. I guess this isn't an US situation. It must be a HER situation. I even had a nightmare the other night. K was pregnant and we were at her Grandma's in Chicago for the baby shower and in my dream I was INVITED to the baby shower that I should have been apart of. All the gifts were to K & Baby not one mention of me. So, when I told K about this dream she looked at me like I was crazy. Like it is ridiculous that I would even think that. Maybe it is ridiculous. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. It all doesn't matter if she doesn't get pregnant to begin with.

I guess you can tell that even though I think I feel a little better I am still just letting myself be so depressed over all of this. I just have to get past it. Remind myself that this isn't about me. It hasn't been for a very long time. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get over it. This is my life and I just have to accept the reality of it all.

My parents are arriving tomorrow and usually this wouldn't be good news. My parents usually get on my last nerve but I know because of all of this stress I am really looking forward to them being here. They understand my stress and are planning on a stress free long weekend where I will be taken care of and pampered even if it is just for a few days. I really need that.

Wish us luck this month. We really need it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure my blogs will go back to boring TTC events only. I'm not an angry blogger. I feel stupid when I vent. I'll be better soon.

Nothing is ever easy...

K went in for an u/s Friday after she got her blood test done. They wanted it done because she was already spotting and they were jumping the gun because they have her starting meds a day earlier this cycle. She has a cyst. size 22. She was so upset. So, they sent her home and told her to come back on Day 2 in hopes that after AF started it would go away. We went in on Day 2 and it was still there. Not just still there but even bigger. Good news is it is not an estrogen producing cyst and they gave the green light to go ahead this cycle.

K was still so upset. We went to the MN State Fair on Friday and there was a Dad sitting in front of us on the bus on the way home with a little girl maybe 2 years old. He was tickling her belly and she was doing the adorable little giggle. K just started crying. It broke my heart. This was the hardest BFN yet and then to have a cyst. She has been on an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't been letting myself really feel anything. I feel like I have to be the strong one. I'll get a bit teary but I make it go away. Heck, it's not my body this time. I actually question why I even blog anymore. I'm just the "other person". I almost feel like it has nothing to do with me. I only go to every appointment and treat her like a queen. It all doesn't matter. She told her Mom about trying this weekend. She had to. She was so emotional and so crazy that she had to give an explanation. Nowhere in the conversation was I even mentioned. Not a word. Not how good I've been to her, how much I do, how much I'm there for her, etc. Nothing. So, it's just a reminder that I must not matter in this process.

Now that the pity party is over we are trying again. Meds started yesterday Day 2. She is doing 100mg clomid from cd2 - cd6 and 300 mg of bravelle from cd5 - cd9 and possibly longer depending on how the u/s looks on cd10. We'll do 2 insems again and keep our fingers crossed.

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend.

BFN

Trying again... :(

TWW Almost Over

Tonight we test. Tomorrow is the blood test but we always test the day before because I would hate for K to hear from a nurse that it was negative. If her emotional state is any sign or indication then the only thing we could get tonight is a BFP. But as we all know the lovely progesterone does wonders for a person's mood and the process in general so I still just don't know.

That's about it for TTC. I'd write more, but I'm just not talkative lately. I don't know what to say. I'm in a bad mood, tired. The week's going by very slow. K's Mom & Step Dad are in town and driving her crazy. The day after they leave my Parents arrive. All this company is forcing me to take some badly needed time off from working 2 jobs but it doesn't take away all the stress.

I hope all is well with everyone and I will update you tomorrow as soon as I know anything.