The Ultimate Gift

I'm not dead yet....

2011-08-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to check in today on all of the blogs that I haven't looked at for a while. I had to separate myself for a while. Not that I still wasn't wishing the best for all of you but things have been rough to say the least. I call the last few years "My Vietnam". I actually feel like I have PTSD. That sounds so dramatic and anyone who really knows me (IRL) knows that I am far from dramatic. I believe what happened to me over the last few years with dealing with my infertility, to all the negative attempts with K. And the miscarriage. And lets not forget the job loss, and all the money that went out for a dream that never saw the light of day. I didn't realize it at the time but I was angry. Angry at the world. Blindly angry. I joked about the situation. I joked about all the money and no baby. But inside it tore me apart. To the point where I wasn't me anymore. To the point where I was losing my life and everyone dear to me.

I get asked all the time what's going on with "the baby stuff". And the answer to that is nothing. We are still digging ourselves out of the hole the first round of attempts put us in. We talk from time to time about possibly trying again but there is nothing set. I also then get asked "why don't you adopt?" And while I hold myself back from strangling that person I tell them it costs just as much to adopt that is cost us to try and just as hard and just as emotional so there are no plans in the works for that at the moment either. We finally have our heads above water to where I can maybe quit my second job after working 2 jobs for the majority of the last 20 years. I don't want to work 2 jobs anymore. K's finally happy at work again and not working 2 jobs. Even though the amount of OT she works is alot from time to time but at least it is more money and with her real job.

So, my life came crashing down around me and I've been working so hard to pull it all together again. So, thank you to those of you who have sent me messages asking how I am. I just haven't been strong enough to check in until now. Haven't been strong enough to put it all into words. And even though this small post is bringing tears to my eyes now I at least don't feel like it's killing me. I'm trying to get past all of this. I actually went to a little baby shower for a girl at work not that long ago. Now that was progress. It helped that I went in on a gift with a couple other people so I didn't have to shop or wrap. I just showed up. But it's more then I've done in a very long time. I think it's good.

I really hope those of you still out there and even look at this blog are doing well. That you are happy and healthy. I doubt I'll be posting again anytime soon so I think this is also good bye for now.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! Just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy New Year to everyone.

Hope everyone had a safe New Year. Mine was as quiet as quiet could be. K worked a double (as usual) and I was home. I had to work this morning so there was no partying for me. But now I'm off to a friend's wedding reception. ALONE. Not happy about that. But K's working late again. Even if she did get home in time making her go would be cruel. She's so tired.

I guess I don't have to stay long if I'm not having a good time.

Otherwise I guess everything is ok. I didn't go home for the holidays this year. Spent them quietly at home. Pretty boring I know.

Don't know.

2010-09-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to title this so forgive me.

I got a text from K the other day that another one of her cousins are pregnant. I couldn't let myself be happy for her. My only thought was asking K if she was ok. She has 6 cousins all around the same age. 2 have kids and now the third is pregnant. The only 3 left without kids are all boys. 1 gay and 2 not interested in kids at the moment, but I really don't doubt that they too will someday soon make the same announcement.

This Saturday was supposed to be our due date. It shocked me when I saw it still in my calendar. Then I looked back to December and saw the day we got the positive and then all the notes every day leading up to and including the miscarriage. So very sad. What a flood of emotions that brought out.

K and I haven't talked about it. I really hope her calendar still doesn't have the due date. I should sneak a peak at that just in case and delete it if it's still there.

Life goes on......

Beautiful Day

2010-08-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

K's birthday was wonderful.

Wednesday evening we went to a baseball game with people K works with. Thursday morning we both got massages and then out to breakfast. We spent the rest of the day relaxing until a wonderful dinner at Benhiana. YUM!!

I do feel like we are getting back to normal. We finally feel like we are healing a little bit from the TTC process. Things feel alot better these days. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Sometimes it all comes rushing back...

2010-08-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

I ran into a friend. I call her a friend. We know eachother through work about 4 years now and almost 2 years ago now she had twins. She got pregnant at try 3 and like I said had 2. No major drugs involved and only AI. Good for her. I wouldn't wish 8 unsuccessful tries, a miscarriage, thousands of dollars of injectable drugs on anyone. I just wouldn't. It wasn't fun. Whether it was my body or K's. It wasn't fun being on either end of that.

So, I run into her and the entire conversation (a good 45 minutes of conversation) was about her kids, her nanny leaving, daycare problems, how much they are talking, etc.

OMG!!! I wanted to punch her!! The only time she did ask how I was I think I said 2 sentences before she changed the subject back to her and her kids. And then she brought up adoption which I could have maybe expanded on that subject, but she didn't give me the chance. Also, which really made me want to punch her was when she actually tried to say she understood how I felt in my situation because she has alot of people "around" her who have had trouble getting pregnant. I just couldn't believe how insensitive she was. She has no idea. She has 2 beautiful kids to go home to everyday. I don't. I call it the 3-B's. BROKE, BITTER AND BABYLESS. That is what I am. I'm trying like hell not to be bitter. I am not that kind of person to ever be bitter to anyone else. I don't live my life that way. I don't mind that she is happy. I don't mind hearing about her kids, but when someone stops caring about you because they have no focus other then themselves that is when I have to distance myself.

Well, that is my vent session of the day and I now I need to take a few deep breaths and forget that even happened. I'm sure it will be months before we see eachother again.

Have a good weekend everyone.

I'm still alive

2010-08-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I'm still here. Working all the time, but I'm really enjoying just the weekend thing at job #2. I love going home every evening. I know I'll be working 7 days a week, I was already working 6 as well as at least 2 nights a week getting home at 11pm.

I'm still following all my dear friends in blogland. Especially those who are still trying. Sometimes I don't know what to say. I want so bad so say something comforting, but then I relive my own experience and all I can think is there isn't anything anyone can really say that helps. So, I still try and pray that everything will be ok.

Along the same lines my Mom told me yesterday that my brother's girlfriend lost the baby. Even though they are unmarried, unemployed, uninsured, and living with my parents and are crazy to bring a baby into that situation I still feel terrible for them. She is 41 and from what my Mom said this is her 3rd miscarriage. I know she wants a child, which is something I can totally relate to.

I've been thinking more and more about adoption lately. With job loss and all the medical debt we have to pay off from TTC as well as the blood clot I had a year ago I know it will be a while before we can really try again. So, with time against us because of age I'm thinking adoption is probably better. I told this to K. We weren't in the right place to have a huge discussion, but I let her know that I wasn't giving up the dream but maybe we need to look at other options because when we're ready age is going to be a huge factor. I don't know.

That is about it for now. All I can write anyway. Good luck everyone.

Update

2010-08-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still here and I want my blog-family to know I'm sending all of you still trying all the babydust I have and thinking of all of you daily. This process is so hard and not matter how much you do to try and make it work in the end we have no control over the outcome.

K really likes the new job. She will be working so much but at least she is at a place where she sees a future. I know she really misses the people at the company she just left. After 9 years she made friendships that will last forever. Because K will be working so many hours and her shift will change every month I decided to work weekends only at Job #2. There are good and bad to this. I'll start with the bad. I will be working 7 days a week and there is a chance of my hours getting cut. The good is I will never have to work another double ever again. I will also only have to go to that place only 2 days a week instead of 3-4 day a week. I am really looking forward to going home every evening after work Monday-Friday. This is my last week of the old schedule. 2 more doubles left and then every evening will be mine. We'll see if I'm still happy a few months from now. :)

My parents arrive Thursday. They are coming in for a long weekend. I will still be working a bit. So, with both K and I working and my Mom has plans with her cousins my Dad will have the house to himself Friday evening. Knowing my Dad he will really enjoy the peace and quiet. He'll find a CSI marathon on TV and kick back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I feed the critters in my neighborhood. I have 3 bird feeders and a squirrel feeder up. I have another squirrel feeder that I recently purchased that I will have my Dad attach to the tree when he's in town. I love watching them all. I throw peanuts, corn and sunflower seeds all over the front yard daily. There are 4-5 squirrels in the yard at any given moment. I've even had ducks come to eat and of course the rabbits. They don't even run away anymore when we come out. They just know it's a safe place to be.

We also finished planting the flower beds in the front. I picked daylillies and haustas because they are low maintenance, hardy and will get bigger every year.

That's about it on this end. I hope all is well out there.

All good things.

2010-07-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

K started her new job this week. Day 1 was a flight to Chicago for her badge and now day 2 seems to be going well. She already has OT, which we need so that is a good sign of things to come. I really hope she's going to be happy. She has been through so much.

Good news....There is an insurance option that does have Infertility Coverage. It is 50% of Meds up to $5,000 and 50% of Medical procedures up to $10,000. This is all very good. It does open a door to more tries down the road. Of course I'm still worried about money. Worried we won't have the money to try even with the insurance help since we feel like we're out of time age wise. But Like K says, we don't know what the future holds or where we will be in a year. After a very long conversation about all of this I've decided to just go with the flow. I have to stop worrying so much. I have to stop stressing myself out. I trust K more then anything and I know she will always take care of us.

I've decided to change my schedule at job number 2 to Saturday & Sunday only. K will be working nights and weekends which means I will need to be home with the boys at night. I'm going to ask them to schedule me each day 8 to 10 hour shifts so I don't lose hours. I think they will do it.

Otherwise, everything else is good. We purchased all the lillies and haustas to plant in the front of the house in those 2 huge flower beds and one side is done. We'll finish the other side tonight. The patio we are putting in is done down to the last 2 blocks that need to be cut a little to fit. My parents are coming out the first weekend in August and bringing me more haustas and lillies out of their yard that I'll plant in the other flower bed under the living room window. Finally, I will finally love the way the front of my house looks. Doing any of this was the last thing on our minds with everything else that has been going on.

That's the extent of things in my world these days. Pretty boring, but honestly boring is good right now. It at least means nothing bad is happening.

Ever Changing Life

2010-07-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

Life is funny. As soon as I come to terms with my current situation things change again.

K has decided to accept a position with a new airline. As most of you know she is an Electrician by trade. We spent many "poor years" putting her through school and then getting her through her apprenticeship. Within a year after she got her Journeyman's license there was no work and she officially went "on the bench". Thankfully through all of this she worked for an airline and it kept an income coming in even when there was no work in construction. Since there is no work she has gone back to work full time with the airline. An opportunity came up at an airline she used to work for over 10 years ago in Chicago. It is a cut in pay at first, but in the long run it gives her so much more room for growth. Growth both financially and career. It's scary though. We've taken some big hits. We will definitely spend the next 4-5 years living without. Without all the little things that we have come to enjoy. We are going to have to cut corners.

I'm OK with everything. Surprisingly. I get a bit overwhelmed if I think about it all too much, but I just go back to thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for. I'm grateful we still have 3 jobs in our household. I'm grateful that I have K. I'm grateful she is such a hard worker and she would never let us suffer. I'm grateful for our two beautiful fur babies that give me a reason to get up on the mornings when I just don't feel like I can or want to. I'm grateful that even through job loss, tons of medical bills, debt from many failed TTC attempts, and all the other bills that have hit us we are still able to pay them. I'm grateful to have a wonderful home to go to everyday. I'm grateful that we've gotten all our big home improvement projects done so over the next 4-5 years when we can't afford anything extra I won't have to worry about the house. I'm grateful that at the end of the day I get to fall asleep in the arms of someone who loves me more then life itself.

I have no news regarding TTC. We are still on hold with that. There is that hope that the new company will have some sort of Fertility coverage in their insurance that would open that door for us again, but I'm not counting on it. I just know that I can't let go of TTC until K does. She needs me to be supportive about this even when it looks like it should be over. Even when we know that we don't have the money to move forward and we don't have time on our side. But if your life is anything like mine you know that anything can happen.

We purchased all the haustas and lillies that I want to plant in the flower beds in the front of the house. We should be planting on Sunday. I picked plants that are hardy and low maintenance. I don't want to replant every year and I think the combination will be beautiful. We have the patio almost done in the front of the house. We would have gotten it done on our 3-day weekend if we didn't get rained out Monday. It will look so good when it's all done.

I'm half way through the 4th book in the Twilight series. Yes I love the Twilight books. I haven't seen the new movie yet, but so far the movies just don't compare. When I'm done with this book I'll have to find something else to read. The local library is literally 2 blocks away. Since we are now really officially poor I've decided to finally check out the library so I don't have to buy the books anymore.

That's about it in my world. Good luck to all of you who are still TTC and I'll check again soon.

Catching Up...

2010-06-23T08:53:00.001-07:00

It was nice catching up on some blogs today. I miss all of you so much. It is still hard to sometimes. I just can't relate to with anyone pregnant or who have had their baby. I want to. You all know I'm so happy for you. That part doesn't change. It's just so hard to read them. And if I am able to read them I don't know what to say. So, with that said, I'm just still healing.

I'm still working over 60 hours a week. I want so bad to start jogging, but haven't started yet. The little time I have off has been spent doing so many other things that need to get done, but it is still on the list and I am still planning on making it happen.

We hired a landscape guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house. I'm posting a picture for your viewing pleasure. I love it. As you can see it's a 2-tier landscape timber retaining wall. We'll be planting a bunch of stuff in those lower beds very soon. 4th of July weekend we'll be putting in a patio under the window on the left in the front of the house. We already purchased the little patio set that will go there when it's done.

I met my brother's new girlfriend this past weekend when I went to Chicago to visit my Dad for Father's Day. She's ok. Yes, she's pregnant. They are talking marriage. No real plans have been made, but when this does come up I don't know that I will be able to go. My brother and I aren't close so it's not him or the fact that she is pregnant why I don't want to attend. It's my parents. See, K and I got married on a beach in Maui back in 1999. My parents did make plans to attend but at the last minute they cancelled. Mom made some bad excuse about having to take care of my niece, but I know she just didn't want to watch me marry a girl. So, I can't watch them attend my brothers wedding. Not that I don't want them to go. I do. I think they should see at least 1 of their kids get married and I don't want them to think they can't be happy. I just don't want to see it.

Sorry if this is all sounding so "poor me". I actually hate that when I hear it from others. I hate to think that I'm "damaged". But in some way I believe I am damaged at the moment. But healing. I know I'm healing. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Now more then ever.

The Universe is F&@$ing With Me!

2010-06-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

My brother's new girlfriend is pregnant. Can you believe it???

Let me give you some history.

My brother is 42. He has 2 kids already by 2 different women. The first one, a girl who is now 17, he barely took care of. Was never on time with child support, ditched her on holidays to get high and was never a father. The second one, a boy around 12 years old, he has never seen this child. The mother didn't even put him on the birth certificate. I was the only person in his life until about 5 years ago when the mother cut me off too.

Now his new girlfriend, who he's only known since January, is pregnant.

Why is it an idiot like him can produce 3 children that he has no concept of how to take care of and I get none after all the money, time and medical intervention??? I don't even know that I'm really all that jealous. I feel sorry for this poor girl and the baby on the way. I just find it a bit ironic.

I'm looking forward to the day when I feel like the universe isn't out to get me. I must have been really bad in a former life....

Update about me....

K and I have started a serious diet. It's time to get serious about taking care of ourselves.
We have hired a landscaping guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house and K and I will be putting in a patio 4th of July weekend. After putting so much time and effort into the inside of the house I love that I'll have some "curb appeal" in the front now.
I think I'm going to be able to fly to Chicago and surprise my Dad for Father's Day. Fingers crossed that all comes together.
I'm still working all the time. Counting the days till I'll be able to quit. 1500 days to go. :)

Hope everything is well in blogland.

It's me again...

2010-04-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still here. I haven't blogged in a long time. Not even in the other blog I started. Not that anyone follows that one anyway. There isn't anyone sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for an update about my life. So, I figured I'd bother all of you :)

Let's see... K and I are doing good. Now, we're doing good. I have to admit it was a little rough for a second. It's hard to got through everything we've been through and not come to a bump or two but we're ok. We always know we're going to be ok. That is the beauty of us and our relationship. We are so strong and we learn from our experiences good and bad to make our relationship stronger.

K accepted a full time position at the airport (where she's been working part time for the last 9 years) so she is technically not "unemployed" anymore. Not that she was ever really unemployed since she has only lost 1 of her 2 jobs. But she's happy.

We were in Chicago this past weekend visiting family. That was nice. We'll be in Florida (St. Petersberg) for a wedding this weekend. When we get back I'm hoping things slow down a bit and we won't be so busy.

Oh, I have some news.... My baby Bear is such a good boy. He is usually in a kennel when we're not home. I know this bothers me much more then it bothers him, but last night I gated him with Cubby to the kitchen/dining room and he was so good. Didn't chew anything. I'm testing the waters again today and he was left out. Of course these rooms are totally "puppy proofed" but I'm hoping he doesn't try to find something to get into and destroy.

That's about it. I hope everything is going well out there in blogland. I'm still reading and following all of your journey's out there so know even though it looks like I'm not around I'm still here.

Checking in

2010-04-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Things have been a little better but it got worse before it got better for a minute. When K called her Grandma to say Happy Easter she found out her cousin's wife is pregnant with baby 2. She is just over 3 months. We would have been just a head of her if we didn't miscarry. That really hit her hard. The loss overwhelmed her again. She is really trying to be positive and live a happy life.

I walked into a table today. I know. I know. How in the heck could someone walk into a table???? Well, I always find a way to do that dumb stuff. So not only will my shins be bruised, but I looked like a bit of an ass.

Saturday night we're meeting some friends out. Not a single one knows we were TTC so I don't have to answer a single question about it. Not a single one of them are TTC so I don't have to hear about it. I think it will be a wonderful, fun, getaway for the night.

I hope everyone is well.

Blah...

2010-04-02T06:47:00.001-07:00

Things have been pretty blah. That's the only word that comes to mind.

I cleaned up the lists of blogs I follow and moved a ton over to the pregnant/family list. I think I even still have 1 to move. I can't believe how many have gotten pregnant. Even though I would never want anyone to be in my shoes and I am genuinely happy for all of you.... it hurts. I can't lie. K is so depressed. I hate seeing her like this. It's hard for me to be sad and morn this time for me because I need to be there for her.

I've started journaling in a new place. It's just for me to vent that nobody knows about. I wanted the new writing to be something for me to help me start a new. Capture the journey to a better life without children but all it's been so far is a place for me to complain about everything & say the things that I wouldn't say anywhere else.

I also had a death in the family this week. My Mother's Aunt. I wasn't close to her, but now I'll be missing work (both jobs) and having to attend a very sad service. Oh, and my parents will be coming in to town and staying with me. Because this Aunt happened to live here in Minnesota. Go figure.

Oh I turn 40 next month. I really hope things are a little better by then because I really hate birthdays and I'm really hating this one coming up and it would really suck to be in this BLAH place for that event.

It's another NO.

2010-03-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

This is so hard to write, but we got another NOT PREGNANT this morning. We are both heart broken. I have no idea what the future holds for us in the area of children. After 2 years, both of us trying, 3 surgeries, and $40,000 we are done for the moment. We are really on a break and only time will tell if we will ever be able to revisit this dream again in the future.

I wish you all the best and tons of luck on your journeys. I will keep this blog up a while so I can still find all of you and continue to cheer you on.

Have a Good Weekend!

2010-03-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

I am so nervous I'm making myself sick. My heart is going 240 every minute and I catch myself saying PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!.... Over and over again in my head and I don't even realize I'm doing it. I know I'm looking for any sign at all that would tell me that K is pregnant but the signs have been only few. I think I'm going crazy.

I'm really hoping for good news. Talk to you all Monday morning.

LONGEST TWW EVER!

2010-03-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like the days will never end. We still have 5 days before we test and it feels like a year away.

Of course I'm so scared to see the results. I'm staying positive. Hoping and thinking only good thoughts.

We're trying to not look for signs or early symptoms. But it's hard to look for symptoms when she's been so sick the past few days. She always decreases her allergy medicine when we're trying even through she only takes the one that is pregnancy safe. So, this week her allergies have been in over drive and she is miserable.

That's about it in our world. I'll update next Monday.

Another TWW

2010-03-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Insem went well this afternoon. Sample had 21 Million swimmer which is very nice.

I have decided to not tell anyone about this try. I just called to day "an appointment". Didn't even say where I went. Even my best friend asked me today where we were in the process and I just couldn't say the words. So, anyone who reads this that knows me in real life please do not be mad but I just can't discuss it. I will update everything through the blog only and anyone who does not have access to the blog just won't know anything unless I decide to tell them a long time from now.

We were so excited to see a BFP after so long that we told friends and then we had to go back and tell them about the miscarriage. It was so hard. Something I don't want to have to do again. So, we'll get our BFP again (positive thinking) and then we'll wait at least 3 months to let everyone know.

So, I'll thank all of you in advance for being my outlet this cycle because I'm not giving any information to anyone else except my blog family.

TTC Update

2010-03-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

Alot has happened since my last post and I'm happy to say that everything is looking great.

K has 3 perfect follies. Her ultrasounds have been perfect. We trigger tomorrow night and insem on Wednesday at 11am. We are heading straight for another and hopefully our last TWW. Of course this would be the last because we'll see a BFP at the end of it.

We are again very positive about this try. It is falling in to place so perfectly just like the last one. So scary but so exciting at the same time.

Thank you so much for all your support during this stressful time. I'm so thankful to have this outlet. This of us on Wednesday and I'll keep you posted.

The ride has begun again...

2010-03-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

The consultation with the RE went ok. Basically he said because K did get pregnant was a great sign and he is comfortable continuing on the same path as long as we feel we want to continue. Meaning if we still want to emotionally or haven't run out of money. And for those of you who have been following our story for some time you know K got laid off over a year ago. Which has given us the time to devote to TTC but any extra money we had to try is about gone.

So, we've now started our last try. At least it's the last try for the moment. We're really hoping for another BFP. Everything has started off great. Her u/s looked great. Everything was quiet and no cysts. We're following the same plan almost exactly as the last one which got us the BFP.

We go back on Saturday for another u/s. It would be wonderful to see at least 3 follies.

That's about it here.

On the edge...

2010-02-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted in a while because there hasn't been any news.

We have a consultation with the RE tomorrow. K really wanted the appointment. We have everything in place for our last try. We should be scheduling our Day 3 appointment this week, but she wants to talk to the RE about where to go from here. I just don't know if financially we can do anything going forward.

I want so bad to be excited about this try. Work is so stressful and then the stress, hurt, pain and financial burden of TTC is really getting to me. I feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Today my Mom called. She is on vacation out in Arizona with some family. One of my cousins has 10 kids. Most of them adopted. According to my Mom "Arizona is throwing kids at her". I chatted with her over facebook not that long ago and she said that she hasn't paid a dime to adopt any of her kids.

It angers me. It angers me that she has 10 and I can't even get 1. It angers me that my Mom will call to talk to me but spend 20 minutes talking only about my cousin and all her kids and how wonderful she is.

I finally snapped today. I told her to stop talking about kids! That I already know how perfect Lisa is but I didn't want to hear it anymore. I told her I had my own life and to Fing bad that there isn't kids.

Now....I have more Mom guilt. It's a never ending battle. Of course she said she should have been more sensitive and all I thought was "duh!"

We're back!

2010-02-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

Vacation was great. It was so relaxing. I don't know the last time we had 10 days of absolutely nothing to do. I read 2 novels, watched a bunch of movies, ate great food, and went for a few long walks.

K gets her final beta tomorrow that will confirm that she isn't pregnant anymore. We'll wait for her next full cycle and start with our last try.

I'm so happy to be back at work.

I have alot of blogs to catch up on. I hope everything is going well out in blogland.

Some good news...

2010-01-18T16:06:00.000-08:00

We did get a bit of good news today from the doctor. K's beta has dropped to 20 from 573. I know this shouldn't be good news. In reality it isn't because it just tells us again that we miscarried and we aren't really pregnant. But the good news is she doesn't seem to be in any immediate medical danger. The doctor was concerned that maybe the elevated beta was a sign on a tubal pregnancy, but with it down to 20 in 7 days tells us this is almost over. We can also start our next (possibly our last) try at K next cycle. I have no idea what the future has to offer, but as of this post we only have the means for 1 more try.

I'm going to put out into the universe that we'll see another BFP our next try and that one will be healthy.

More good news is now that we really know that K is ok we are really looking forward to our vacation. We feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us and we can go and just be together and relax.

My parents will arrive tomorrow to "baby-sit" the fur-babies. Losing our sitter could have turned into a huge problem for us. We did have an alternative of a professional sitter that would have cost us $250. So, my parents are not just giving us someone we trust to stay with the babies, but is also saving us a huge chunk of our vacation money.

I still want to make 2010 a great year. I am still trying so hard to see the positive things and the good things that are happening to us. I say I don't know how much more I can take, but I can obviously take anything because things just keep happening. So, for today there is only a focus on the good. I can't promise that will be case every post, but for today it is all about the good things.

The hits just keep coming

2010-01-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

K went in for bloodwork again today. It was my understanding that this bloodwork was to just verify that the beta went down to zero. Her beta on January 6th went down to 135. Today it was 570. They are worried that it may be a tubal pregnancy. That would be so bad. K is MAD AT THE WORLD! I don't know how to help her.

So, at this point we know nothing except we know something isn't right. A beta of 570 is too small to see anything on an ultrasound. We know it's too low to be a viable pregnancy and for the fact that it did go up means something weird is going on.

Back in October we had our vacation scheduled to Arizona. We had to cancel because I got hospitalized for the blood clot situation. I know we are both hoping that we won't have to cancel again. It would be the blow to our sanity that could just push us both over the edge. I mean you think positive, you do the right thing and the bad stuff still keeps coming. I mean how much more do we have to go through???? Let's recap...

I go to the RE to start the TTC process and find out I have endometriosis - surgery
During that surgery I find out I have a blocked tube - surgery
I get a BFN and several half tries because guess what...my body doesn't want to cooperate
K gets laid off and we lose a journeyman electrician's salary
We switch to K and after BFN afer BFN they find a polyp - another surgery
More BFNs
We get Pregnant to be told....We're sorry but we have no hope for a viable pregnancy.
Oh, and then today.....Something's wrong. We don't know what. Come back Monday.
Between all of that there has been broken water main pipes, Father's either falling on the ice or ending up in the hospital, Brother's in jail, sick dog, and a few other things bad things that have cost us a small fortune.

That's just what I can remember off the top of my head. Now, I've never (or very rarely) been an angry blogger. I'm ok with angry bloggers because I think if you are going to vent your blog is the place to do it. But that just hasn't been me. Today I feel angry. Actually I'm sad, and worried more then anything. I just want K to be ok. I don't want her to have to go through this. I feel like I can't protect her. I feel like I failed her.

What we really need to happen is Monday when she goes in for more bloodwork & the ultrasound that the beta is really low or gone or if there is something in the tube they can get rid of it with medication and no surgery will be required. I'm putting this out into the universe. This is what I need this situation to be for K's health, her peace of mind and the long over due vacation that we so desperately need.

We got through the weekend....

2010-01-11T11:33:00.000-08:00

We both worked Saturday and yesterday we were very productive. K is working on the basement putting in can lights and running more electrical down there. Our basement isn't technically a finished basement but when we're done it will look so good you will think it is. :)

The basement is the first thing that has to get finished so we can get the rest of the house ready for a baby's room. Yes, I said baby's room. K and I feel like the best thing to do is move forward with the plans for the house and preparing for getting pregnant again.

K goes in for bloodwork tomorrow and she'll talk to the RE's office about what the next step will be in this journey. I don't know if we'll get the green light to start again right away or if we'll be told to take off a month to rest.

We leave for Arizona in 9 days. That will be so nice. We'll spend a couple days in Scottsdale relaxing in a nice hotel with room service and then spend a week at K's Mom's house. It is probably the most relaxing place I have ever been. The house is up in the mountains with a wonderful view and it is just so peaceful. K's Mom is a great cook who insists on taking care of us. It is wonderful. Nothing to do except read a book, hike in the mountains and just relax.

Another Day

2010-01-08T10:11:00.001-08:00

Just thought I'd pop in and let you all know we're still here. We are surviving. Barely.

This sounds so redundant today but thank you for all your kind words. Redundant because it wasn't that long ago I was thanking you all for kind words to our wonderful news. Now it's for all your support to our horrible news.

Of course we're both mad a the world, but trying like hell to not let it consume us.

She goes back to the doctor Tuesday for another bloodtest to confirm she miscarried. It was scheduled for Monday, but we changed it. She works Monday's. So, why disrupt her day and leave work for something she knows the answer to already.

We go on vacation soon. 2 weeks from now we'll be relaxing in Arizona. We really need it. It is still going to be very hard since she was going to tell her Mom she was pregnant on this trip.

It's all just so sad.

Our Worst Nightmare

2010-01-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

K's spotting got worse. She called me crying yesterday in total fear that she was losing the baby. She called the RE's office, again. They again, reassured her that 50% of all woman spot/bleed in during the first trimester. They calmed her down, but just for more reassurance they had her come in today for another Beta instead of waiting until Friday. Our last beta was 170 2 days ago. Today was only 135. They said they were sorry, but it looked like there was no hope for a viable pregnancy.

My precious K is so devastated. It's not fair. But I guess you can say life isn't fair. We really only did have 2 tries left. Now we are down to one. We thought maybe just once something as wonderful as this was going to happen for us. We thought this was our time. Well, we weren't that lucky, but we still have eachother. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to have someone so wonderful who tried so hard to give me "The Ultimate Gift". And we knew love for our unborn child even if just for a few weeks.

Beta #2

2010-01-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Beta #2 was 170 at 17 days past IUI. Her first Beta was 36 4 days ago so doubling every 2 days we were looking for at least 144 or better. They will be doing another beta on Friday. We need that one to be 680 or more. I hear about all these Beta numbers that are so much higher at this stage. Of course just about everyone I know are having multiples, but I just hope these aren't low.

The nurse was able to calm her down a little, but I think this is going to be the norm for her for a while.

That's about it for now. Good thoughts only for a healthy 9 months and healthy baby!!

Going Crazy

2010-01-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

K is going crazy. She has had some light spotting almost daily since we found out she was pregnant. For the most part it's that brownish color that they say is normal and you shouldn't worry. Sometimes it's a little more pink but this morning I got a call that it was red. She is really stressing out. I tell her not to worry and it's normal but she just can't calm down.

We go today for another beta and I've already called the office to see if we can get some time with one of the nurses so we can talk to someone about what's happening.

We really need this beta number to be great and I'm hoping for a quick exam so K can see that everything is ok.

Send good thoughts that nothing is wrong and we are just over reacting because we don't know any better.

Thank You!

2010-01-02T05:23:00.000-08:00

Good morning everyone. First I have to say thank you so much for all the well wishes. It means so much to me. More importantly it really meant so much to K.

Since I started the blog a year ago we were looking back on the time line and realized that the blog hasn't really been about me. The majority of my journey happened months before I started writing. Shortly after I started this blog we realized that our dream of me carrying wasn't going to happen and turned our focus on K. She still let this blog be mine and from my point of view. So, she hadn't really spent any time reading what I wrote. She wanted me to be able to write from the heart and to not be worried about anything I wanted to say. So, last night while she read all the comments from everyone she was chocked up. It really meant alot to her. It just confirmed what she already knew and that is this is such a supportive community and believes it is a safe place to talk about everything and anything.

She also stuck around to catch up on alot of your blogs. She read a couple of them out loud and felt everything they were feeling. She laughed with all the funny stories and cried with all the sad ones.

We've decided to keep this blog going. She wants it to stay mine even though it's all about her. She says I've done a good job. Our TTC blog is taking the next step to the pregnancy blog and we hope for all the best for a healthy pregnancy!

Love you all!

BFP!!!

2009-12-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

Hello all of my dear friends. Well, we did it! 6am this morning K and I got our BFP. Blood test confirmed our results this afternoon.

I want to thank my wonderful friend from Gayby Rabies for the Meds. K responded great to the Gonal-F that neither of us had ever tried before and we believe it was the good luck that topped it all off.

Sorry I haven't written all week. I haven't been able to log in from work and I wanted to so bad tell you all about how K was feeling and all the little symptoms and signs.

I knew you were all pulling for us. It came so clear to me how much our results affect eachother when my friend F from Luckylittle13 called me crying tears of joy from my news. It was the best reaction I could have asked for.

I know you are wondering Beta numbers. Now I don't know much about this stuff, but she tested this morning is was 12 (maybe 13) days past insem and her number was 36. She will test again Monday. She was told anything over 1 is pregnant and anything over 25 is great.

I'm still in shock. I will update you Monday on our next Beta number.

Love you all!

TWW

2009-12-21T08:23:00.001-08:00

We're 4 days into our 7th TWW. Insem went flawless. Our new donor sample was 31 million strong. K had 3 perfect follies.

No what if's. No negative thoughts. K wouldn't even let the nurse tell us the RE's plan if this cycle didn't work. She says this is it.

We test on the 31st. All positive thoughts this way... :)

Have a great Christmas everyone!

Lookin Good!

2009-12-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

K's u/s this morning looked great. 3 beautiful follies. 2 are 13.5 and 1 at 14.5. We're right on track for a great cycle.

IRL - Things are still really busy for us. I'm back to working both jobs with no limitations anymore. The good thing is I'm feeling so much better. K's working as much as possible.

We're heading back to Chicago again for Christmas. I tried to find a dog sitter so I didn't have to drag the dogs 400 miles again, but that didn't work out. I'm kinda glad since I'd miss them terribly if they weren't with me.

That's about it for us. We're very positive and hopeful for this cycle.

Clean Ultrasound

2009-12-08T05:41:00.001-08:00

K had a clean ultrasound yesterday! :) We are back in business.

Thanks to not just a blog friend but an old friend who is now pregnant with triplets we have enough injectable meds to get through this cycle and the next one if needed. But K believes this is the cycle.

Work has been so busy but in this economy I'd rather be busy.

I hope everyone is well and I'll have more updates later.

Update

2009-11-18T08:00:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone. I know it's been a while since my last update. There really isn't alot but here's what's new.

K's cyst is still holding on strong so we're keeping her on BCP's for another 2 weeks. We picked a new donor who has only been with CCB for less then a year but already has over 5 reported pregnancies. Good swimmers!! Not to say that is going to make it happen this time, but I think it couldn't hurt. Thanks to one of my friends in blogland we have enough injectable meds for our next try. Our last try will probably be a clomid only try. We haven't totally decided to not buy the injectables for the last try, but if we did that would be another $2,000 and I just don't know if that will be possible. We'll see.

As for me. I'm getting better. I wouldn't have said that last week or even this past weekend, because I was having chest pain. Really more lung pain. I was really afraid that I was getting more clots (PE's) in my lungs. I went for a Chest CT yesterday and I was told that the clots in my lungs have been "resolved". I asked if that means they are gone and they said yes. GREAT NEWS. So, why the pain you ask.... I have pneumonia. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear I have pneumonia but I'll take that over clots anyday. After a week of medicine I'll be much better.

Someone asked me in my last post what is a good email to get a hold of me. I do check theultimategiftak@hotmail.com but not daily. If you want to email me I do check abarnhill29@hotmail.com almost daily. When emailing me please put TTC in the subject because I've had that email so long I get alot of junk so I click, click, click...delete if I don't know who the person is.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

Round 6

2009-11-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

After going back and forth about whether to try and again or not we have decided to take advantage of still having insurance that covers most of the cost and try again.

We went in yesterday so K's day 3 u/s and there was a cyst. K will be on BCP's for a couple weeks to calm things down and hopefully that cyst will go away. It looked like it was already starting to break up.

We are also busy trying to pick a new donor.

That's about it for us on the TTC subject.

I'm feeling alot better. I'm taking my blood thinners everyday and taking it easy so my body can do what it needs to do to break down the clots. I go back to working Job #2 this week. Even though I've loved all the time off I'm looking forward to getting back to work.

Here's a good story for you....

2009-10-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I mentioned this in my last post but on October 6th I was diagnosed with pneumonia. A week later when I was going back to the doctor for my follow up appointment I wasn't any better. Actually my breathing had gotten worse. At the same time I was experiencing what I thought was a pulled muscle in my right leg. This wasn't the first time I had the leg pain. So, long story short....My doctor sent me to the hospital for 2 tests. 1. An ultrasound of my leg to check for a blood clot. and 2. An CAT SCAN of my chest to check for blood clot(s) in my lungs. The clot in my leg is from mid thigh to my ankle. My lungs are full of multiple clots on both sides. I was immediately admitted and spent a couple days in the hospital.

There is some good news to this situation.
1. K was quickly kicked out of her poor me bad mood and realized that there is more to life.
2. My life was saved. I was a walking time bomb and I was lucky that the clots were stopping in the lungs and not going to my head or heart.
3. K also realized that she does want to go ahead with the last 2 tries.
4. I am taking the right medications (blood thinners) and I'm feeling much better.

We were unable to go on vacation. I can't fly in my condition and I have to be at several doctor's appointments this week. Since K works for the airline we were using 2 free tickets she was saving. Yes free, but they were positive space passes. That's kind of a big deal since we normally fly stand by. We may have lost those tickets. We also had reservations for a couple nights at a really nice hotel that was non-refundable. So, we're talking to the airline to see if under the circumstances they will consider letting us keep the passes and the hotel let us push the dates out a few months. It looks like our vacation will now be the end of January.

I guess the moral of this story is.....Life is too short. That no matter how bad things get they can always get worse. I just want to enjoy life. I still need to bust my ass the next few years to get out of this horrible financial situation but after that I'm done working so much. I'm not worrying.

The next time I post should be back to TTC topics. Just 2 more tries. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't then I believe we're ready to be ok with that. It will be closure.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'm a bit out of touch with everyone. Haven't been able to read anything in over a week, but know I'm thinking of all of you. I'll catch up as soon as I can and I hope to see some BFP's out there.

Just another day at the circus

2009-10-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

Things have not been good since my last post. K is having such a hard time with everything. As all of you who have been following our journey for a while know...K got laid off last January. Now that the baby thing didn't work she is not just dealing with that loss, but now the realization that she doesn't have a full time job making what she made as an electrician. Oh, and lets not forget the fact that there really aren't any jobs out there either. The anger and depression has set in. Nothing I say helps. I'm taken wrong at every turn and god forbid I actually get stressed out because then everything starts to fall apart. So I stay up beat and hopeful which I think just annoys her. At least when she was TTC she felt like she had a purpose. She was working on a dream. That dream crashed and burned.

K's been going back and forth about a couple more tries. We have some leftover Bravelle and figured that for a mere $3000 we could get everything we need for 2 more tires which would run out her insurance and then be done. But as of yesterday (which was a terrible day) she doesn't even want to do that now.

We are leaving for vacation on Saturday. I'm really hoping that some relaxation does her some good. I know I need it.

This has been such a terrible year. Horrible. I know it will get better. I know this thing with K will pass. I know a job will come and money will come and hopefully when all is said and done K can still find happiness even without a child. But it's sure won't be a joyride waiting for that day to get here.

Just another BFN...

2009-09-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's another NO this cycle and yes, that is sad. But what is even more sad is that I think we've decided to stop trying.

While talking about our next try we decided to go through our finances. With everything laid out in front of us it was such a shock and such a wake up call to just how much we have spent on this already. What we owe because of TTC already.

I have no idea if we'll change our minds and go for another try or two. I doubt it, but I guess at this point anything is possible.

This is a very sad day in our lives. I hope I can keep on posting. I hope I can continue to be happy for all of my friends who have recently found out they are pregnant, and for the friends who will soon become pregnant. I hope I can get out of this bitter angry hole that I feel is so deep that I can't see any way out. I hope I can find the strength to know I will be living the rest of my life childless like Queerstork did and with as much grace as she did.

I want to thank all of you out there in blogland for all your support and I wish you all the best of luck in your journeys.

Sincerely,
Abby & Kathy

2 more days

2009-09-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

The TWW is almost over. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. The progesterone is playing tricks on K. Once second she feels pg and the next second she feels like she has PMS. We don't really talk about it. We aren't getting our hopes up. I think it's so sad when so many bad things have happened when you can't even get excited about trying and to not even allow yourself to have hope that a try is going to work.

We'll test at home tomorrow night because as I've said before I never want a stranger to tell us the news. Especially if it's a BFN. I'd rather let K be prepared for that news and already be in the mindset that we'll be trying again.

I'll update everyone as soon as I know something.

TWW

2009-09-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Both insem's went well. Donor numbers were much better this cycle. Day 1 there were over 25 million and Day 2 was over 21 million.

Our TWW so far has been uneventful. We're not stressing or dwelling over anything.

The RE said that if this one doesn't work he wants us to go one more cycle and if that one also doesn't work he wants to have a consultation. We weren't told more then that. We've talked and we know what direction we will want to go, but there is no sense in concentrating on that because I'm really hoping that it won't go that far and this will be our cycle.

Even though we aren't getting all excited and talking baby names or what the baby room will look like that doesn't mean we aren't still really hoping for the best. It is purely self preservation mode at this point.

We'll test at home Tuesday the 29th and the blood test is Wednesday the 30th. It is out of our hands at this point and just praying alot.

I hope all is well out there in blogland. Talk to you again in a little over a week.

TTC Update

2009-09-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm very behind on my TTC update. As I mentioned in my last entry we've had a lot of company and my parents were just in town. That went really well. Probably the best visit I've had with my Mom in years. Not that we aren't close and not that I don't love her. We just don't mesh all the time.

As for TTC.....

We insem today and tomorrow. I feel like time went by really fast and I can't believe it's here already. Which means our TWW will go by really slow. K had definitely 1 probably 2 follicles from the right again. Nothing has come from the left in the last couple of cycles. She had that huge cyst on the left this month. That could be the reason for that.

K and I talked last night about some of how we are feeling and what has been bothering both of us. That I know will help alot get us through this next try.

I know I say this every month but wish us luck, keep your fingers crossed, send us baby dust & good vibes!

A post all about me....

2009-09-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little better and I want to thank all of you for your loving comments and well wishes. It helps so much.

I know how selfish I sounded. I'm better then that and K and I are fine. We're always fine. I'm just having a harder time with this then I thought. I really did want to carry and it makes me feel more broken then ever that I couldn't. I'm also worrying again that I'm really not going to be seen as a real parent to her family. I know this worry has come back because she didn't even mention me when telling her Mom about everything that has been going on. I guess this isn't an US situation. It must be a HER situation. I even had a nightmare the other night. K was pregnant and we were at her Grandma's in Chicago for the baby shower and in my dream I was INVITED to the baby shower that I should have been apart of. All the gifts were to K & Baby not one mention of me. So, when I told K about this dream she looked at me like I was crazy. Like it is ridiculous that I would even think that. Maybe it is ridiculous. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. It all doesn't matter if she doesn't get pregnant to begin with.

I guess you can tell that even though I think I feel a little better I am still just letting myself be so depressed over all of this. I just have to get past it. Remind myself that this isn't about me. It hasn't been for a very long time. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get over it. This is my life and I just have to accept the reality of it all.

My parents are arriving tomorrow and usually this wouldn't be good news. My parents usually get on my last nerve but I know because of all of this stress I am really looking forward to them being here. They understand my stress and are planning on a stress free long weekend where I will be taken care of and pampered even if it is just for a few days. I really need that.

Wish us luck this month. We really need it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure my blogs will go back to boring TTC events only. I'm not an angry blogger. I feel stupid when I vent. I'll be better soon.

Nothing is ever easy...

2009-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

K went in for an u/s Friday after she got her blood test done. They wanted it done because she was already spotting and they were jumping the gun because they have her starting meds a day earlier this cycle. She has a cyst. size 22. She was so upset. So, they sent her home and told her to come back on Day 2 in hopes that after AF started it would go away. We went in on Day 2 and it was still there. Not just still there but even bigger. Good news is it is not an estrogen producing cyst and they gave the green light to go ahead this cycle.

K was still so upset. We went to the MN State Fair on Friday and there was a Dad sitting in front of us on the bus on the way home with a little girl maybe 2 years old. He was tickling her belly and she was doing the adorable little giggle. K just started crying. It broke my heart. This was the hardest BFN yet and then to have a cyst. She has been on an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't been letting myself really feel anything. I feel like I have to be the strong one. I'll get a bit teary but I make it go away. Heck, it's not my body this time. I actually question why I even blog anymore. I'm just the "other person". I almost feel like it has nothing to do with me. I only go to every appointment and treat her like a queen. It all doesn't matter. She told her Mom about trying this weekend. She had to. She was so emotional and so crazy that she had to give an explanation. Nowhere in the conversation was I even mentioned. Not a word. Not how good I've been to her, how much I do, how much I'm there for her, etc. Nothing. So, it's just a reminder that I must not matter in this process.

Now that the pity party is over we are trying again. Meds started yesterday Day 2. She is doing 100mg clomid from cd2 - cd6 and 300 mg of bravelle from cd5 - cd9 and possibly longer depending on how the u/s looks on cd10. We'll do 2 insems again and keep our fingers crossed.

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend.

BFN

2009-09-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Trying again... :(

TWW Almost Over

2009-09-03T14:06:00.001-07:00

Tonight we test. Tomorrow is the blood test but we always test the day before because I would hate for K to hear from a nurse that it was negative. If her emotional state is any sign or indication then the only thing we could get tonight is a BFP. But as we all know the lovely progesterone does wonders for a person's mood and the process in general so I still just don't know.

That's about it for TTC. I'd write more, but I'm just not talkative lately. I don't know what to say. I'm in a bad mood, tired. The week's going by very slow. K's Mom & Step Dad are in town and driving her crazy. The day after they leave my Parents arrive. All this company is forcing me to take some badly needed time off from working 2 jobs but it doesn't take away all the stress.

I hope all is well with everyone and I will update you tomorrow as soon as I know anything.

1 Week Down

2009-08-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Blood test in 1 week. K's feeling a little different this time. I'm not getting my hopes up because these could all be symptoms from the progesterone. The first week has gone by pretty fast and with everything we have going on I'm thinking week 2 will go by just as fast.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone. This has been a rough one emotionally. It's all starting to take it's toll. But really...is there anything about this that doesn't take it's toll on us??? So, believe me I do realize how stupid that sounded. :-) Oh, well. I just keep moving on. It will work out the way it is meant to in the end. You do everything you can and everything you have the means to do and hope for the best.

That is my deep moment for the day.... Talk to you all again soon. Have a great weekend.

TWW

2009-08-24T07:52:00.001-07:00

This is Day 1 of your TWW.

Insems went well Saturday and Sunday. Our Donor had low numbers Saturday. Only 8 million and only 13 million on Sunday. Not great, but I guess not the worst.

Our RE has a new plan if this one doesn't take. We'll be doing a Day 1 or Day 2 baseline u/s and starting meds on Day 2. He wants us to do a combination of clomid & injectibles. I love that our RE is always trying something different. Always a bit more aggressive. But like we told the nurse...This one is going to take so we won't need it. :-)

The blood test is September 4th so I'm hoping for good news for the holiday weekend. K's birthday is Wednesday (the 26th) this would be the best present.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone. Talk to you all soon.

This will be the cycle...

2009-08-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

It's very unlike me to not post something between Day 3 and Insem, but things have been crazy.

Here is our TTC update...

K has 1 leading follicle right now with 1 maybe catching up in time. Maybe not. This cycle she had no activity on her left and the usual 1-2 good on the right. We are going forward with 2 insems this cycle. We figure the expense is worth it since we have limited tries left. We insem tomorrow and Sunday with the PG test on Sept 4th.

We're, of course, really hoping this is the cycle we see that BFP. In the end I know we will be glad that we exhausted all options and we did everything we could. My fear is still we end up with no baby but still broke and probably a little bitter. :( But again I try to live with no regrets. I would have regretted not trying everything I did when it came to me. I'm glad I stopped when I did instead of being more disappointment. I'm glad we're putting everything into K since she really has been our best shot at having a baby. If it doesn't happen we'll be upset but hopefully it won't be something we can't get past.

Ok, now that I have that out of my system...Back to only positive thoughts!! 1 perfect follicle with 2 insems with Millions of sperm. 1 will find it's way and make some magic happen! This will happen and we'll see a BFP!

I have to catch up with everyone. I've been a bit out of touch but I hope everyone is doing well out there.

Day 3

2009-08-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

Day 3 U/S went well. They are upper her dose of Bravelle from 150mg to 225mg. That stuff is so expensive so it better do the trick!! We go back Tuesday for another U/S to see how things are coming along.

That's all I have for TTC news. On the NON-TTC front we finished painting the guest room and it came out great. It is very different. Wall - pale honey. Ceiling & Doors - green & the Trim - dark brown. All three colors really came together. This room as been tour up since we had that water main break and had the draintile put in months ago. It feels great to finally have things put back together. This is the time of year we get a ton of company.

That's about it here. Talk to you all again soon.

The break is finally over...

2009-08-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

K's AF has finally arrived. Thursday morning we're back in for a Day 3 U/S to start the process all over again. It's been a nice break, but it's back to work. We really do only have 3-4 tries left before we are on another very long break again. K got the letter from the Union about her insurance ending. She has some account with the union that she can pull some money from to keep the insurance going for a few more months then when that money is gone she will be put on my insurance and as we all know from when I was going through TTC my insurance covers NOTHING.

That's about it with us.

Everything went well...

2009-07-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Surgery went well. K was so brave as always. There were 3 small polyps removed. The surgeon said she should be good to get pregnant soon. Which was wonderful to hear since we don't have much time or money left. So, from his lips to God's ears....

Now just waiting for her cycle to start again so we can start the process all over again.

Hope all is well out in blogland!

Surgery Tomorrow

2009-07-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Surgery is tomorrow. It was supposed to be on the 31st but our surgeon will be out of town so it has been moved up. K is very nervous and if it is anything like the procedure I had when my tubes were opened she will be very uncomfortable. I know they will be giving her some drugs to calm her nerves. I just hope they are on the stronger side to help her get through.

When it is all over she shouldn't be in much pain at all. She should be back to normal the next day and we're told it is a very minor procedure, but K is nervous anyway.

We've been taking this break to just relax and not think much about TTC. I haven't been checking in with all of you like I should either. Sorry about that. I'm sure I have missed alot and I'm hoping there are some BFP's out there since I'm been out of touch.

I will let you all know Monday how K is and how everything went. Have a great weekend!

Sugery Update

2009-07-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

We saw the surgeon Wednesday and surgery won't be until the end of July. Could have been next week if our surgeon wasn't on vacation and then we would have to skip another cycle but that's the way it is.

Non TTC news.... K & I have been dieting. We're both down 6 pounds. It has been so hard to eat healthy. Enjoying an evening out for a yummy dinner and drinks has always been a way to reconnect and talk out the stress we're going through and we don't have that. But we're looking at the bigger picture and we want to get her body ready for TTC again.

That's about it for us. Hope everyone is well.

Polyp.....

2009-07-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

K had the saline sonogram yesterday. There is a small polyp. They think that it was probably there 4 months ago when she had the HSG but it was probably so small that it wasn't detected. We were also told that the fertility drugs that she was on can promote growth of the polyp and that even though the polyp is very small it is in a bad spot fertility speaking so it's best to get them removed and then try again.

We have our consultation with the surgeon next Wednesday. (She's going to the same surgeon who did my surgery) I'm sure we won't be able to get the surgery done this cycle which means we're on a break for this cycle and next.

This brings us down to only 3 tries left and then we'll be done for a while. Those 3 tries will be full of the drugs, ultra sounds and 2 insems per cycle. I want no regrets or to feel like I could have done more. Whatever happens at the end of this we'll be ok. We won't be done we'll just be a break.

We took control...

2009-06-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

First, I would like to apologize for my mini breakdown the other day. I know the comments came from a good place and I see how what was said was just taken wrong. So, please know that all of you mean so much to me and some of you described it best when you said that I am just really overwhelmed. I believe I am strong. I believe that through everything I stay positive and the other day I guess I just didn't handle things exactly the way I would have if I wasn't so down.

So, with that said ladies please know that I really do appreciate you all and I really appreciate all of comments and advise to my breakdown.

Here is what is going on with us. K and I went in for her Day 3 u/s this morning, which looked good by the way. When we sat down with the nurse to discuss the plan for this cycle she started with how we will start with the Bravelle injections and we'd be upping that dose. We said NO to that one. Our plan for this cycle is this. We want to start with Clomid. While on clomid we'd have the Saline Sonogram that our RE wants K to have. If there is an actual polyp and this cycle has to be cancelled then all we're out is less then $100 of clomid not $1,000 of Bravelle. If everything is good then we will start the Bravelle injections and they will be daily instead of every other day. When we told the nurse our plan she actually looked at us and said...."I think that plan sounds great". She will have a follicle check Monday morning and she is on the "On-Call List" for the Saline Sonogram. Our RE is doing all IVF procedures next week so procedures like ours has to be scheduled between those. We won't know what time our thing will be until the day before.

As I mentioned before we have limited insurance coverage left. If we are correct her insurance will end the end of October. We probably have enough "baby money" for November. If nothing is wrong that will give her 5 more tries. 3 if something is wrong. So, we've also decided that we're going to be more aggressive and some of the cycles we will do 2 insems per cycle. I know there is no real evidence to support that it increases the chances all that much, and if we had more time I would save the sperm money, but we are limited so why not go all out while we can??? Right?

I am feeling better today. I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world to have K in my life. We work so well together when it comes to these difficult times and we really do understand each other.

That's the update. Looks like the plans are in place. We know what were going to do no matter what the test says and we're moving forward.

Thanks....

2009-06-23T12:03:00.001-07:00

I don't think I've ever had responses back to one of my posts before where I read them feeling bad. I've been reminded (once in the comments section and once in an email) that it has only been 3 tries. Is that supposed to make it easier for me? Does the fact that K's only had 3 tries take away everything I went through before she started trying with 2 surgeries and $20,000 of debt? All that comes to mind is I must have sounded stupid. Or maybe ridiculous. Who knows. I'm not an angry blogger. I even think my "I'm feeling sorry for myself" posts are actually pretty calm in comparison to some I read. Which is ok. We're all different, but I never thought in this community I would feel like what I had to say or how I felt wasn't as important as the rest.

I have alot more I could be complaining about. I could tell you that the day I came to work and told a co-worker that I was going to start trying she said, yeah me too. Stopped the pill that day and she just had TWINS two weeks ago. Or how about my good friend Erik who knew I wanted to try but couldn't because I needed surgery first, then when I went back to the RE they found those damn random cysts so when I was told I could actually proceed with my first try he thought it was safe to tell me his wife was pregnant. Well, she gave birth YESTERDAY and here I sit with no baby, no pregnancy and I'm not even the one trying anymore. Now, while dealing with my own feelings of loss, I'm supporting my honey through this who is very upset that she is now just getting her own BFN's and she has to go through another horrible test. She now has those feeling of guilt that her body may be failing her.

Just please don't remind me that I haven't had as many tries as maybe some of you out there, because I think what I've been through to have those few tries was alot and doesn't make my pain any less then anyone elses.

Negative Again

2009-06-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

It was another BFN.

The official blood test was yesterday but we tested Sunday morning and knew we weren't pregnant.

Now that K didn't get pregnant they want to do a Saline Sonogram. There are problems with this. First I don't think there is anything wrong with her. They want to look for a polyp that wasn't found when K had the HSG. Wasn't there for 12-15 u/s that have been done during the last 3 cycles. Next, this procedure needs to be done on day 5 or 6 but according to the receptionist she talked to the Doctor is in procedures all next week and isn't available. We will be on some kind of On-Call list. Really???

We don't have time for this. As most of you know who have been following my blog for a while K was laid off this past January. Her insurance is going to end soon. She has maybe 3 months left. So, we have only 3-4 tries left. If we have to miss this cycle because they find a polyp and then miss the next cycle for surgery to remove the polyp then that leaves us with 1-2 tries left.

We have decided that once the insurance is gone and the "baby money" is gone we are stopping. I'm sure we will try to put away money and save what we can so maybe we can try again in the future.

She will go in for her day 3 u/s and she will still start the meds for this cycle. We're going to ask for a clomid/Bravelle combination because clomid doesn't cost so much and then the test will be done. Best case is they find nothing wrong and the cycle continues without problems and we will be able to keep trying for the next 4 months. Worst case is they find something and this cycle gets cancelled and we can't try again until after surgery and we miss at least 2 months.

I truly believe that there isn't going to be anything wrong. Let's hope I'm right.

Pregnancies Everywhere....

2009-06-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

The list of blogs I follow that are still TTC is now officially a shorter list then the list of blogs I've moved under PREGGO!! Wow, is something in the water and if so can someone send us some???

It's a babyboom around here and I couldn't be happier for all of you. Send out your lucky baby vibes to the rest of us! I look forward to sharing this new phase of your journey with you.

TWW - 1 week down.

2009-06-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

We are 1 week into our TWW. K's out of town again. Yes, again. She is gone all the time. This time she's in Arizona visiting her Mom & Step Dad. Her Step Dad built a garage and he needs K's help putting the electrical in.

Things are starting to get a little stressful. We had a bit of a fight last week. Nothing earth shattering, but it wasn't fun. The stress is getting to both us. I work all the time which is so stressful and since she's laid off and only working part time that is stressful for her and we rarely see eachother. For the first time in a very long we both just broke down.

Saturday evening a couple friends came over and for a guitar hero session. Well wine & guitar hero. It was fun and took my mind off of TTC for an evening.

I'm hoping and praying so hard for a BFP this cycle. Keep your fingers crossed ladies!

Another Update

2009-06-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Once again here we are in a TWW. We insem'd yesterday and everything went great. Our donor sample was 25 million with over 50% motility and K had 2 follicles. This sample is much better then the first sample we used from this donor which was 11 million and only 30% motility. We were very happy with the improved numbers.

During Saturday's u/s we were asked if K had an HSG. Of course she did, why??? They think they might have seen a polyp. I'm like, REALLY??? I don't think so. She has had probably 15 ultrasounds over the last 3 months and you haven't seen a thing. She had an HSG which was clear as a bell and now, all of a sudden, you see a polyp in that fuzzy picture???? I really don't think so. But I guess the next step, if she doesn't get a BFP, will be a saline sonogram that the RE will do. I guess that test will show a very clear picture of the uterus. First, we're going to be pregnant this round so this will be a non-issue. But I guess my next question would be... If this is such a great test and her insurance has been covering all of these tests why didn't we just do the test in the first place?? Why weren't we told about it as an option?? We haven't said no to a single test because after going through everything we've been through with me and how much money we've spent we want to be informed. We want to know if anything is wrong and for 3 months everything has been perfect with K.

Can you hear my frustration???

I've put K on pretty much couch rest whenever possible for the next 2 weeks. I'm not chancing anything. I really have a good feeling about this one. I have to stay positive because if I don't I think I'm going to lose it. Of course I'm strong and I would pull it back together, but in the meantime I would really lose it.

That's it for now. Send us all the good vibes you have.

Update

2009-06-04T07:03:00.001-07:00

TTC update: K's U/S went great this morning. One dominate follicle on each side. One 12mm and one 14mm on day 8. A couple more days of shots and then another U/S on Saturday morning. They are predicting that the insem will probably fall on Monday or Tuesday.

Life update: I'm very busy and working all the time. We finally got the stairs re-built going down to the basement. Well, I should say K got the stairs rebuilt. I'm not all that handy. I did however sew a couple buttons on her shorts. :)

That's about it in our world. Hope everyone is doing well.

Here we go again...

2009-05-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound this morning went great. No cysts. Ovaries looked calm. She didn't even have to have bloodwork done. Tomorrow starts 150mg of Bravelle for 5 days then another ultrasound next Thursday.

Depending on how her body responds to the Bravelle it might interfer with a trip to Chicago she wants to take next weekend but we're really hoping things will all fall into place so she can still go.

I've been finding it harder & harder to stay positive. To not let the stress and the lack of money get to me. I find myself jealous of my friends IRL who got pregnant on try 1, 2 or 3. Not that I'm not happy for them but it makes me more sad for myself. A girl I know who got pregnant on Try #3 was asked to talk and advise a "friend of a friend" on the process and help her and her partner go in the right direction to start TTC. I was listening to her advise and it was the advise of someone who didn't have problems. It was the advise of someone who assumes the person she's talking to doesn't have any problems. Of course, my response was "give her my number if she wants to talk to someone who's been through hell". I know.... Not everyone has gone through hell, but until you have you just can't relate.

Enough of my complaining. It's not very attractive. :)

Have a great weekend everyone and wish us luck!

Here we go again...

2009-05-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

Process is starting all over again. Good thing about TTC is Day 1 usually shows up a couple days after you get that BFN and you get that flicker of hope all over again.

Ultrasound tomorrow morning. K will be on all injectables this cycle. I have no idea which ones or how much yet. We'll find that out tomorrow, but I'm glad that the RE is being aggressive. Just found out that "being aggressive" comes with a price. The injectables for this cycle cost us......$2,200.00. OUCH!

We went out for dinner last night. It was wonderful spending some time together. We had a few drinks to toast to the new cycle.

That's about it. I don't have much Non-TTC news. We have a ton of work to do around the house. We have all the materials we need to get all of it done, so now all we need is time to get it all done. :)

K will be going to Chicago to again soon to see her cousin who is going through a bad breakup at the moment and her Grandma needs some help with a few things. Then She'll be going to Arizona during our TWW to see her Mom & Step Dad and help them with some electrical work they need done. I'll be home alone during all of that still working 2 jobs and taking care of the puppies. Speaking of the puppies they have been extra adorable lately. They know just how to cheer us up during these times. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I hope everyone is doing well out there. There has been alot of pregnancies lately. I hope some of those good vibes rubs off on the rest of us still out here trying.

BFN

2009-05-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

We tested yesterday morning and it was a BFN this cycle. Bloodtest is today, but we didn't test early so I'm sure the HPT was accurate.

On to K's Try #3.

Cravings

2009-05-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

TWW is going by pretty fast because we are just so busy. We have so many projects around the house that need done so we really haven't been obsessing yet.

K's on the progesterone this cycle so that will give her all the symptoms of being pregnant whether she is or isn't. BUT....

K's having weird cravings. She hates mustard and pickles. I eat her pickles. This weekend she ate mustard and pickles all weekend. On her burger Saturday at work and yesterday with brats.

Sign??? Maybe. I thought is was very cute.

TWW

2009-05-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

We are in another TWW. Insem Wednesday went well.

Remember I mentioned before that we switched donors??? His count was only 11 million. Our previous donor had counts of 29 million and 23 million but we still ended up with BFN and he doesn't have any reported pregnancies. This new guy may only have an 11 million count but he does have reported pregnancies so I'm hoping for better luck.

My birthday was yesterday. All I wanted for my birthday was not to work (either job) and to spend the day with K. That is what I got and it was a wonderful day! Best birthday ever!

I have a couple days of catching up to do with everyone so I'm hoping for good news only! Have a great weekend everyone.

TTC Update

2009-05-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

K had an u/s Saturday. The follies were still growing. Slowly, but growing. She had another dose of Bravelle Saturday night and they had us make another appt for an u/s for this morning. Today is cd15. K's cycles are usually shorter so we've been worried all weekend that she was going to ovulate on her own and we would miss it.

We had another u/s this morning and she has 2 perfect size 18mm follicles and we're triggering tonight and insem Wednesday morning.

We only do 1 insem a cycle. What are your feelings or experiences regarding 1 insem vs. 2 insems? My RE's office said there isn't any real research out there that says 2 is better then 1. It's more about the timing. Just wondering what your thoughts are.

I still need to catch up on what's going on with everyone else so I'm hoping I see some good news.

Also, GOOD LUCK to F from luckylittle13. She is having surgery today.

IRL...

2009-05-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

Anyone who follows F from Luckylittle13 read that we met for lunch yesterday. And anyone who doesn't follow her should be because she is amazing. I have no idea how to link her in this post (I should learn how to do that) but she is in my blogroll.

It was so nice to sit with someone and be able to talk so freely about something that most people know nothing about. Be able to say something without stopping after every sentence to explain what a word means or what some process is. It was like having the support of this blog in front of my face. I really thought that I would be the one supporting her and being the "listener" because she is going through so much right now and my role has changed in my journey, but I was wrong. I talked just as much as I listened about what I have been through and how it is being on this side of the process and she was sympathetic and warm. At the end of our 2 hour lunch we parted hugging like old friends.

I'm looking forward to watching this new friendship grow. Thanks F.

TTC Update...

K's had her ultrasound yesterday morning. The follies haven't grown as fast as we would have liked. The follies that were 14 & 14.5 were both at 15.5 yesterday morning. We go back again tomorrow (Saturday) morning for another follie check and insem will most likely be Monday. K had a really bad day yesterday. The u/s was a rough one. They were pushing and hurting her a bit. Then had a bad blood draw. Got her allergy shot after that and had a bad reaction which was very painful the rest of the day and to top it off had to get another shot of bravelle. I had to work both jobs yesterday so other then being there at her appointment and giving her the bravelle shot before I ran into Job #2 she was alone yesterday and I feel terrible about that. Sometimes just being able to lay with her head in my lap while I rub her head makes everything all better.

Congratulations to my friends Heidi & Julie!! Their son was born yesterday. Little Leo Daxton Robole 7lbs 8oz. 20 1/2 in. Their family blog is also in my blogroll.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope to have a good TTC update on Monday!!

Ultrasound Update

2009-05-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

U/S looked good. She has 5 follies but 2 are right now measuring at 14 & 14.5. The other 3 are measuring 11, 11.5 & 12. So, most likely only 2 will probably be the right size by insem but of course there is a chance of all 5 being ready, especially because we are adding injectables this cycle and if that was the case we would need to make the decision to insem or not to insem if there are 5 follicles. My RE would not want her to carry 5 and K does not want to be "that" mom.

Has anyone been faced with this decision? Any advise or experiences to share?

We go back for another u/s Thursday morning. We'll know better then if we'll have deal with that situation or not.

We walked for...

2009-05-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

Our friend Colleen was diagnosed with MS this past October. Yesterday was the Minneapolis MS walk. The walk is 6 1/2 miles. K and I thought we were going to only be able to walk 1/2 of it because K had to be at the airport by 11:30am. But we were able to do both. We walked all 6 1/2 miles and got her to the airport in time to catch her plane. After I dropped her off I went home, changed into something comfy & became a couch potato for the rest of the night. I was so sore. We walk roughly 3 miles every time we walk the puppies so I didn't really think 6 miles would kill me, but IT DID.

K has an u/s tomorrow morning to check out the follie action going on. We'll be told if she'll start the injectables or not.

That's all the news I have. Hope everyone is having a good Monday and I hope May is a good month for BFP's!

Nobody's treated the same...

2009-04-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

I've noticed something odd now that K is the one "trying". She is getting treated so much better by the staff at our RE's office then I ever did. I wasn't treated horrible, but it is very clear to me that there really is a difference.

For example. My first IUI I felt like I was just cattle getting rushed through and it was wam bam thank you mam. K's first IUI was slow and gentle. Everything was explained to her and the nurse did everything to make her feel comfortable.

Another example. My Day 3 ultrasound for my Try #1 we found a random cyst. The nurse told me without hesitation that I wouldn't be able to try that cycle and we'd check again the next month. I was devastated. After all I had done to finally get to my first try I couldn't believe it. It was on my way out the door from that appointment that she mentioned that a blood test could be done to see if that cyst would interfere, but I should save my money. Of course I did take the blood test and I was able to try and even though it came back BFN at least I tried. K had that same nurse yesterday for her Day 3 ultrasound and a random cyst was found. That same nurse took the time to explain it to her and still proceeded with everything as if she would be able to try this cycle and offered up that blood test immediately. Oh, I should also mentioned that she also gave K her injectable meds for free. Just handed them to her.

It's like night and day the difference in how we were both treated. K doesn't go to any appointment by herself. I have been there holding her hand every time. I, on the other hand, had to go alone to every appointment except the IUI. So, there I am going through all of that for the first time alone and not knowing what to expect and I wasn't given the time of day. K's got obvious support from someone who has been through it and they are treating her like she's all alone and needs all this extra attention.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe...

Here we go again... Update

2009-04-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

Day 3 u/s is today. I'm very excited to be starting again. I'm also much more optimistic that her u/s will look great. That is such a change compared to me who had so many bad one.

K's account is set up at the cryobank and we'll be ordering our new donor very soon. I'm very excited about him. I read on the cryobank message board that when someone else used him he had good motility numbers. He is also a huge athlete. K's also an athlete. I know there are no guarantees on that kind of thing, but I believe it helps.

That is my TTC update. Nothing major to report. Hope everyone is doing well out there.

Update 1 - Just got back from the u/s and I spoke too soon. There is a sign of a cyst. If it isn't an estrogen producing cyst we can proceed. The blood work will tell us. Now we just wait for the call.

The toughest part was seeing the look on K's face. She was so disappointed. It hurt me so bad because I can remember how I felt after just about every u/s I had. It's so hard to not have any control over what your body is going to do in this process.

Update 2 - Got the call. We are good to go. They changed treatment and we're adding injectables to this cycle. I'm very excited!

Not this time...

2009-04-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

K's Try #1 was negative. We tested first thing yesterday morning and it came up NOT PREGNANT so fast there wasn't any question. To really let us know it just wasn't meant to be this month...AF showed up about 2 hours later.

Good news is the process starts all over again Wednesday. No time sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. We have to set up K's account with the Cryobank now that we are out of the original donor. We did pick a new donor. One that reflects more of me. I feel really good about this donor.

I don't know if I mentioned this yet but K and I decided not to tell anyone really close to us that we are trying again. Not parents or friends. I have to say I feel a huge weight has been lifted this morning knowing I don't have to tell my best friend or my Mother that it was negative. As we all know it can take multiple tries and to have to say month after month that it didn't work is just too hard for me. Of course I hope it won't take that many tries but I don't want the added stress.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for everyone else trying this month and in your TWW!

TWW is coming to an end...

2009-04-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

This week has been crazy!!!

One home repair/improvement uncovered another major problem that left us more then 2 days without water! It was like camping in our own home. Oh, by the way, I hate camping!! :)

K goes to the RE Monday for a pg test so we're testing Sunday morning at home. We have no clue what it might say. Some signs say no. Some signs say yes. I know it is really driving her crazy. Me too, but I've learned when it's not your body it's really much easier to process. At least for me that is. I've now experienced both sides so I'm surprisingly calm during this TWW.

I will update Monday as soon as we get the offical word. I hope everyone is doing well.

Random update to pass the time during the TWW...

2009-04-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

It's only been 2 days and it feels like it's been 2 weeks already. Next week we are going to be so busy and I know that will really help make the time pass. Plus, K's Mom is flying in to help dog sit while we have work done on the house. She'll be here Sunday - Thursday and we haven't told her that we're trying again and she really has no idea that K would even consider trying so we won't even be talking about it. I know I'm looking forward to the mental break of TTC.

Yesterday was our official 13 year anniversary. I worked 2 jobs yesterday so I didn't see her. So we were going to have dinner Tuesday evening even though K had school so I had planned to cook dinner and have it ready for her when she got home. I made marinated chicken breasts with baked potatoes. The chicken turned out so bad. The marinade on the chicken burnt in the broiler and it was uneatable. So, our anniversary dinner ended up being tacos. Not the evening I was planning but we got a good laugh out of it.

This facebook thing is turning out to be kinda fun. I'm still addicted to Mafia Wars and I'm reconnecting with some friends from 10-20 years ago that I have really missed over the years.

That's about it here. The pg test at the RE's office is in 11 days. Keep your fingers crossed. :)

Baby Dust...

2009-04-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

Everything went great this morning. My honey once again was so brave going through something that she isn't comfortable with as well as going through it for the first time and not knowing what to expect. They think she had a great cycle and there is 1 (maybe 2) good follicles. Heck you only need 1, right?? The sample had a count of 23 million. Now all we need is just 1 of those 23 million guys to find that 1 follicle.

Keep your fingers crossed ladies!!

Here we come 2WW....

2009-04-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Insem is scheduled...

The ultrasound Saturday morning still looked good. 2 good follicles. Originally they asked we come in again Monday for another u/s to check those follicles, but after our RE reviewed everything he had the nurse call back and told K to trigger yesterday and we'll insem Tuesday morning at 9am.

We're heading for K's first 2WW. Very exciting. She's very nervous but she says if she can get through the HSG (realizing after a day had past) that is wasn't the worst thing to happen, she's confident she will be able to continue. But she will still be nervous all the way up until it's over. It's the unknown. It's doing all of this for the first time that is really scary.

Me. I'm doing ok. I've got some of those non-bio mom fears coming up a little, but how I know everything is going to be ok is that wasn't the first thing I thought about when she told me the news from the RE's office. It was pure joy that we are still moving forward. Plus, she just seems to be doing and saying all the right things to ease my mind and take away any of my fears. We really seem to helping each other through everything in our new roles. It's nice.

Our weekend overall was great. We both worked Saturday then went out with friends Saturday night. Got up for church early Sunday, then out to breakfast, ran some errands, and most importantly got everything moved out of the basement and the lower level guest room because we're getting drain-tile installed next week. We needed to get all the heavy lifting done before the insem because I wouldn't let K do that kind of physical labor during a 2WW.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'll update again soon.

Our Luck Has Changed...

2009-04-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

K's HSG yesterday looked great. Totally clear. No blocked tubes. No polyps. No cysts.

Today is her last night of clomid and we go in for an u/s tomorrow morning. We could be inseminating as early as Monday or Tuesday.

Can you believe all the good news???? I can't. She can't. K's mood and emotions are all over the place. It is hitting her hard that she has gone from never thinking she would carry EVER to being so close to her first insem and her body being the one that so far looks like it doesn't have any fertility issues. Because we've been through so much we're still cautious and we know that just because it all looks clear doesn't mean she'll get pregnant, but we still can't help but have that hope. My tests and ultrasounds always looked so bad. We're not used to leaving doctor's offices and hospitals with good news.

We still have 1 donor sample left from when I was going to try. We fill out paperwork with the lab tomorrow so we can use that sample for her try. That will save us over $600.

That's our TTC update. Since everything will now be about K I'll just say I'm exhausted. I work all the time and I feel like I'm getting pulled in so many directions. Between 2 jobs, K's doctors appointments and helping around the house I feel like I'm going to fall over some days. Good news is other then being really tired I'm not upset about how things are. My soul purpose is to take care of K. Now, that isn't really any different then before. :) Now, I really know I'm working so hard for a purpose. I still feel like we're a little crazy trying to get pregnant while K's out of work and if she got pregnant right away the baby would be coming when unemployment would be stopping. But we are both such hard workers and I know her unemployment situation is temporary and we both agree that we need to take advantage of her time off because if she was working on a jobsite (electrician) she would not have the flexibility to be doing this. Everything happens for a reason.....

So many thoughts....It can drive a girl crazy.

Hope all is well with all of you. Fingers crossed we have some good follies tomorrow.

Another Good Ultrasound...

2009-04-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today's u/s looked great. Lining was where they wanted it and everything else still looked great. She already has 2 follicles started (one on each side), which the nurse said is fine and the clomid will just help them along. Thursday is her HSG. Send us all the good vibes you have that everything goes good with that.

If Thursday's HSG looks good the insem should be Monday or Tuesday.

I made sure that K knew of all your well wishes being sent to her during this process. I know she appreciates it just as much as I do and since she's the one going through the process it really helps to know there are people out there who can relate and who only want the best outcome for you.

Talk to you all again by Friday. I hope all is well out there!

So far so good...

2009-04-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

First, thank you everyone for all the luck you are sending our way. The appointment went well this morning even though we left still feeling that things are up in the air.

K's cycle only started yesterday so even though we could call today Day 2 it is really more like Day 1 and her lining was still too thick for the RE to really see what he wanted to see. So, we'll be back at the RE's office Monday morning and they said if all looks good we move forward with clomid. We also have her HSG scheduled for April 9th. Good news is we left there with no bad news. Her u/s looked great otherwise. No random cysts, no signs of endometriosis, etc.

My K is being so brave. For some of us having someone in our "lady business" during that time of the month is not pleasant but we deal very well. Actually, I would look forward to it because I knew that meant the process was finally starting and I was moving forward. Well, my K doesn't like it one bit. Poor thing was just traumatized. Well, even through the trauma she is finding the hope & faith that she just might be able to give us the family we really want. See, we're sitting in the car after the appointment. She's still shaking a bit and in the middle of an anxiety attack when she turns to me and says. "If this works we're pulling a Julie & Heidi and having another one back to back. I want our child to have a sibling." Here I'm wondering if she's even going to get through the first IUI or even be able to get pregnant with #1 when she tells me she would get pregnant with a second. She never stops amazing me.

Have a great weekend everyone and I'll talk to you all again Monday afternoon.

AF came early...

2009-04-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

AF came early. Because K is going out of town our Day 3 u/s and labs is now Day 2 u/s and labs. :)

We find out tomorrow morning at 7:45am how things look and if we move forward or not.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone that K isn't cursed with the bad luck of infertility like I am. We really need a break. I don't know how much more bad news I can take.

Waiting...

2009-04-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

There is really still no update. We're waiting for day 1 to come so we can schedule K's day 3 u/s, labs & HSG.

Since changing the plan we've been really thinking that this change is meant to be. K's insurance should cover some of the cost and both of my employers have adoption assistance. So, we'd finally be able to save money getting pregnant and we'd save money with the co-parent adoption. Well, I looked up the information yesterday for adoption assistance here at Job #1 and everything I was reading sounded great until I read the exclusions. It says they do not cover the cost of adoption if the child is related to your spouse. Will they see K as my spouse and tell me I won't get the $5,000 reimbursement??? I think they will. I think that will be their loop hole not to pay. But as I see it if I really was her spouse legally I wouldn't have to go through the cost of the co-parent adoption because we would be married and the baby would just legally be mine when born. I'm hoping they don't. See they do have domestic partner benefits but domestic partner is not spouse. I'm just going to hope they do the right thing.

I've decided to tackle one thing at a time. First, get through all the tests she'll be going through next week and hope all comes out ok. Next, get her pregnant. If they pay they pay. It won't stop the process and to tell you the truth we're used to getting what we want the hard way. We're used to things not working out. If we end up with a happy/healthy baby that will be the most important thing.

There is snow again here. We had a couple weeks of great weather. We were taking the puppies on walks that lasted 1 1/2 - 2 hours. I can't wait for those days again!

I hope all is well with all of you.

Good News for now....

2009-03-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've got some good news and I've got some good news.

First good news, I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Yeah for me!

Now for the more important good news...

K's appointment with the RE went really well yesterday. We're happy, but cautious to not get to excited because the tests aren't done yet.

Here's the scoop... K's ultrasound looked really good. He was a little concerned with her lining. It was thick. It could be she just has a thick lining on CD15 or a thick lining can be hiding a problem. A polyp to be exact. So, the plan is this....

She'll go in for her Day 3 ultrasound and labs. On day 3 the lining is also much thinner so that will show if that was just normal for her or if there is something like a polyp. If that ultrasound looks good she starts on a monitor cycle with clomid. Regardless of whether the ultrasound looks good or not she'll also be getting a HSG done sometime between cd 4 & cd10 as well. We want to make sure there are no other problems.

That's about it. Now we wait for day 3 and hope everything goes well with the HSG and labs.

We went out last night for dinner & drinks to celebrate everything. There was a little bit of tears I admit. Of course they were my tears. It was really hard that for 13 years every conversation, every dream of building our family I would be carrying. We picked the donor based on her, if we had a girl it would have been named after her, etc. So, when she looked at me and asked if we were going to switch donors it was like a punch in my gut. It was like "oh, you're right...our donor looks like you. Not me". Then she asked about the girl baby name. Again it hit me... "oh, you're right...if we had a girl it would be named after you. Not me". It was such a realization that we have spent the last 13 years planning this event to make sure it included both us. That we both felt like it was our baby not just my baby. Now, we have a couple weeks to re plan. To change this way of thinking and to turn the tables to make sure I actually feel like I'm included. To help me feel like it's also my baby not just her baby. I realized last night that I also needed to hear all the reassurances from her that I had been saying to her for all these years. At first she looked at me almost like I was being silly to think that anything would be any different and of course I'm the Mommy, etc. But she quickly understood where I was coming from when I explained that even though logically I know that everything would be fine I still needed to hear it. That I'm not going to have all the years of time to get that reassurance and time to adjust like she did.

But of course this isn't all about me...She only gets a couple weeks to come to the realization that her world is also going to change in a way that she never thought it would. She is going to now be the one with nurses & doctors all up in her "goodies" when she's really a very private person and not comfortable with strangers being there. She has to change her thinking from the caregiver to the one who is going need to be taken care of.

But in the end we're both very happy and feeling really good about this. We feel like every thing's falling into place better then we had hoped. We're both looking forward to our new roles and will take care of each other through this.

If we get through this next round of tests (labs & HSG) without anything bad we're going to be good to go and we'll be back on the TTC train.

Non-bio Mom

2009-03-23T06:37:00.001-07:00

Well, we see the RE on Wednesday to discuss K possibly carrying. Turns out K actually has a little bit of insurance coverage for monitored IUI's. Well, we were told that lab work and ultra sounds are covered. That is alot of the cost. Also, since she's not working full time at the moment doctor appointments aren't a problem. In the beginning especially if not through the entire process we'll still be scheduling appointments around my schedule because she doesn't want to go through this process without me. I don't think anyone is really comfortable with how exposed you feel with strangers all up in your private area but she's more private then most and really not comfortable with it. She'll need me to focus on until she realizes that it's not so bad. Personally I can't believe she's even ok with carrying. Never thought that would happen. Now I'm trying to accept the fact that I would be the non-bio Mom. I never thought that would happen. We've had all the talks to make her feel comfortable with being the non-bio Mom. I've given her the security of knowing that me having the baby didn't make her any less the Mom and how I would never let anyone in my family ever look at her as anything less then the Mom. Now I feel like I need those talks. I always had the security of knowing that if I was the bio-mom her family couldn't push me aside as someone not important. They don't always view wives, husbands or especially significant others as real family. Now, I have to worry about them really thinking of me as the baby's mommy. But K has stood up to them before. I just have to trust that she will make sure that they don't do that.

We've given my body a chance. Unfortunately because of cysts, blocked tubes and endometriosis it was short lived and cost us over $21,000 but it was a chance. It is time for me to let go and give K a chance.

Keep your fingers crossed we don't find something wrong with her too. I'll update later in the week.

Getting Better

2009-03-10T08:51:00.001-07:00

I have the most amazing partner! She really has put my mind at ease and has made me feel so much better about everything. We're both in a much more positive place. We've made an appointment for her to get checked out by the RE on March 25th. We joined Weight Watchers yesterday to start living a healthier life and to get our stress eating under control. We're reading more and trying so hard not to worry about what we can't control.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to get caught up on everyone's blogs in the next day or two.

Everything is so quiet...

2009-03-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I jumped into TTC with both feet. Had 2 major "procedures" & spent so much money for everything to just come to a complete stop. I got the bill for opening my tubes and that was $8,800. I called the hospital today to make payment arrangements since insurance doesn't pay anything related to fertility, but the guy wouldn't make payment arrangements. He insisted that the bill be sent for review to see if the coding was correct. I know it was and I know insurance won't pay, but I let him do it anyway.

I'm back to working my second job 3 days a week. You'd think that would help keep my mind off of the fact that so much stuff in my world is just going so wrong, but it isn't. I feel like I'm being a complete "Debbie Downer". Have you seen that skit on Saturday Night Live?? I'm trying hard not to complain. I need to find a productive focus.

My newest non-productive focus...Mafia Wars on facebook. I'm addicted. It's such a stupid game but it's so mindless and all you need is time, which I have. Facebook also is outing me to a few of my old high school friends who have found me out there and they are requesting my friendship and as soon as I confirm the friendship they will see pictures of K & I. Or they ask "What have you been up to the last 20 years?" So, I'm now out to people I haven't talked to in a long time. I guess I could just ignore their little friend request and not give them access but a few of them say stuff like they've been looking for me for years, & how happy they are they found me & how they could cry, etc. Seeing how some of them react to this will really tell me what kind of person they've become.

Mom called me the other day and I can tell she so desperately wants to find something to talk to me about. She tried to talk to me about "the baby's God Parents". I told her that K & I aren't talking about a baby that I'm not even pregnant with anymore and that since I'm having so many difficulties I don't want to talk about it at all. She felt bad and maybe I was hard on her, but she just doesn't think before she speaks.

K was out of town again this past weekend. I'm sure that contributed to my depression this weekend. She comes home today and I really hope that helps my mood.

I have alot of catching up to do with all of you. I hope everything is going better for all of you.

Straight People Say The Stupidest Things....

2009-02-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

I just saw a girl a few minutes ago here at work that I haven't talked to in a while and she asked me how "The Baby Thing" was going. I told her that it wasn't going very well. That every time I turn around I seem to have more fertility issues. I told her that in 6 short months I've had 2 major procedures and have acquired over $20,000 in debt. I said right this second we're taking a break.

She jumped straight to "Haven't you two thought about adoption?" Typical straight person response. Typical response from someone who didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I said that we haven't thought about it because until now we didn't think we would have to think about it, but maybe we will discuss it after we have thought everything through.

Then she said out of the blue...."It's not like you two can try on your own" as she's pointing to her self as if to say our problem is we're missing a penis. I couldn't stop myself, but I said STRAIGHT PEOPLE SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT! I said that our problem isn't the lack of a penis it's fertility issues and what she said was rude.

I felt the tears welling up. I felt an anger that I don't know that I've felt in a very long time. I was in shock.

Of course she tried to apologize. She said she considers me "a good friend". Bullshit! Good friend my ass.

Thank you...

2009-02-23T07:18:00.001-08:00

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and support. We really feel like we've been hit really hard this year and it's only February. I'm just need to do anything we can to turn things around. Feel like we are in some sort of control again. Well, as much control as one can have when TTC is concerned.

I'm still on the birth control and I'll be making an appointment with the RE soon to get K checked out. In the mean time we're looking at a couple different weight loss plans to help in that area and when K gets back from Chicago next week I think we might get on some kind of structured plan to help get on track.

Other then that things are slow. I'm working alot and just hoping and praying everyday that K gets called back to work sooner then later.

The Plan...

2009-02-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

K and I finally talked a little bit. We haven't had the opportunity to discuss the situation since I told her about the cyst and endometriosis being back Monday morning. We talked over the phone, which wasn't ideal but if we didn't say something about what was going on after 2 days I think we would both lose our minds.

We've decided to prepare and explore 2 different options. First we're going to make her an appointment to get checked out by our RE. We just want to know if switching to her is an option. At the same time we're going to take the next few months and prepare for IVF for me. The RE wants me to get my body ready by taking a drug for a few months that would take away the endometriosis. And I need to drop a few pounds. I'm not over the weight limit for IVF, but with the recent weight gain I've had I don't want to start this process feeling like I'm out of shape and not healthy enough for IVF. I need to know that I've done everything I can to help it be successful.

We also need to see if she'll get called back to work the next few months as well as see how we're going to handle the very aggressive payoff plan that we've put together.

We both feel like we could cry at the drop of a hat these days and we feel very defeated, but we're not ready to give up. Maybe in the end we'll be going the adoption route. Either will be ok. It's just time to expand our family. We're just going to slow down a bit because we've hit some bumps and I just need to slow down the bumps. Those bumps have already cost us over $16,000. When I add to that I want to do it knowing more. I feel like the decisions we've made that got us to that $16,000 was because we were new to this. Because we didn't know any better. Because I thought I could fix my infertility issues and have IUI as an option. Maybe IUI could still be an option, but IVF will by pass all my infertility problems and give us a better shot.

So, my journey is officially on hold. My blog will hopefully be letting everyone know how much debt we're paying off to make this process financially easier. I'll be letting everyone know how much weight I'm losing, but even better how much healthier and stronger I'll be getting. I'll be letting everyone know about K's appointment(s) and my appointment(s) with the RE and what our options are and what direction we decide to go. I hope you all hang in there with me and I'll be hanging in there with all of you. Even though I'll be extremely jealous at your success my happiness for you will eventually over ride that jealousy. Promise.

So, here's to the next step....

The Bad News Just Keeps Coming...

2009-02-16T07:02:00.000-08:00

TTC Update...

First my cycle did start early. Just what I was hoping wouldn't happen. But I went in for a baseline ultrasound this morning to see if we could still proceed with things this cycle and that would be a big fat NO! I have a huge cyst on the right side AGAIN. My RE thinks the endometriosis is back. It's only been 5 months since my surgery but that doesn't seem to matter.

So I was put on birth control again this morning to slow down or stop the endometriosis until we decide what we should do next.

Here are our choices...

Ignore the cyst and keep trying.
Have surgery again to clean out the endometriosis that came back and then start back with IUI's again.
Go straight to IVF. That route would consist of a month on birth control, 3 months on another drug that would shrink the endometriosis and then start the IVF protocol.
Get K checked out and consider switching from me to her.
Stop everything all together.

I think we've already decided that options 1 & 2 are actually not an option. This as you will see below by the cost already is just us throwing good money after bad. My RE thinks that going the IUI route with the issues I'm having is only giving me a 5% chance of success. IVF would give me a 33%-40% chance of success.

For really only 1 try that we have had the cost looks like this:

$1,300 - My portion of the endometriosis surgery.
$1,300 - Donor Sperm
$10,000 - A line of credit taken out for IUI's and fertility drugs.
$8,800 - To open Tubes. I had no idea it was going to cost this much. I was expecting $2,000 - $3,000.
Total: $21,400
Still have: $5,000
Total cost out of pocket for basically 1 try has cost $16,400

I have no idea what to do. I feel like such a failure. I know how bad K wants a baby. She would be an amazing parent. I really don't want to stop. Part of me really believes that if we stopped and we let this dream go it could impact our relationship in a negative way that I don't know if we would bounce back. We have a very strong relationship but I don't know if it could survive the regret and anger that would come from this failed dream.

So, here I sit. On hold again. Fighting the horrible feeling that we are drowning in debt, K's not working at the moment and the regret that we have made so many bad decisions up to this point over 13 years that we have ruined our chances of starting the family that we have always talked about.

Seattle Here We Come...

2009-02-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

We leave tomorrow for Seattle. It's my department's Annual Meeting. We have 3 projects in the Seattle area so they are flying everyone there for a long weekend just to attend a 4 hour meeting.

Thursday night should be interesting. It is cocktails and an informal dinner with the entire group of 140 and all of the guests. I believe we have 208. Of course K's coming with me. Good thing about where I work is the company is very gay friendly but you never know if the people you work with are also that way. Most of the people I work with are out of state and I only talk to them over the phone. So, there is only a hand full of people that I actually know about K & I. I'm sure I will be the topic of conversation for a little bit Thursday, but once that is over and everyone knows then I'm sure we will be able to just enjoy the weekend.

Friday evening there is a very fancy/formal dinner planned for everyone. Of course open bar again. There is never a shortage of free alcohol to drink at these annual meetings. :) I won't be over indulging too much because of TTC, but a glass of wine won't hurt me. I helped pick out the menu for the entire weekend and the food is going to be so good!

We will still be there Saturday for Valentine's Day. We'll do the whole tourist thing during the day and I've made dinner reservations for Saturday night at a fine dining restaurant at the resort where we are staying. I think it's going to be a really good weekend for us. Quality time together is exactly what we need.

I should be starting Try #2B again as soon as I get back. This last couple of weeks feels like it's gone by so slow.

I won't have Internet access while I'm gone so I won't be checking back again until Monday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a great Valentine's Day!

Night out with friends...

2009-02-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

I had a pretty busy weekend. Worked Friday night. Got the brakes on my car fixed Saturday. I really needed that. I was that annoying car driving down the street making that metal on metal horrible noise when trying to stop. Went out to lunch with my friend Ang who works with K Saturday afternoon while the car was being fixed. Saturday night K & I met some of my old friends out for drinks. It was so much fun!! It had been way too long since I had seen them all. I worked with all of them 7 years ago at the first Home Depot I ever worked at. I'm at store number 3 now. They all just loved hearing about my TTC efforts and are so supportive.

Here are a few pictures:

Becky & Beth. ................ Me & Dustin.

Tina Me & Denise
Sunday K & I didn't do much of anything. We should have been out shopping because we need some new clothes for our trip to Seattle this week but we decided to just be lazy and relax the day away instead. That means we will be shopping tonight.

Talk to you all soon.

Update...

2009-02-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

I received a message from my RE yesterday. Not from the RE's office, but actually the doctor himself. I usually don't talk to him at all. I see the Nurses and they carry out the treatment plan that he tells them to. I'm ok with that since I think he has been very aggressive so far and I haven't disagreed with anything he has wanted to do yet. It wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't call and one of the nurses called, but it was nice a nice surprise to hear that he did it himself.

He received the paperwork regarding my procedure and just to hear him say the words "IT WAS SUCCESSFUL" was music to my ears. He also said that we should get started again right away as soon as my cycle starts again. So, I know I've said this before but ladies I need your prayers more then ever. Pray for AF to be late. I know that sounds weird since we are always begging AF to show up, but I just don't want to be out of town when I should be starting the whole process over again.

None TTC updates....

Work has been very busy.
K's still really sick. The poor baby.
Since my Dad was forced into early retirement my parents are obsessed with selling their house and moving to Arizona.
Things have been ok money-wise so far since K's been laid off. I'm expecting a good Tax Refund for both of us and I just settled for a small amount of money from a car accident a couple years ago so all of that will help alot toward debt. It will feel really good to just pay off some stuff. It is also really helping that we just aren't spending money like we used to. You don't realize how much you really spend until you think you won't have it to spend anymore and it forces you to really look at it.
The puppies are good. They are just such a joy. Bear went to the vet a week or two a go and he has lost 5 pounds since September. Which is a good start. He should really be about 70 lbs and he's tipping the scale around 89 lbs, but he thinks he's 10 lbs and will try to curl up on your lap or in a small space next to you because he just thinks he'll fit. It's just too adorable.
Oh, I have a good story for you.... At job #2 the other night I (half kidding) said to one of my cashiers "how do like my ever expanding ass? haha" She replied with "I noticed. I was going to say your butt looks big in those jeans." I couldn't believe it!! I wasn't mad. Shocked. But not mad. Can you believe it? I just wouldn't ever be able to say something like that to someone. She's lucky I can stay calm and not hit her.

That's about it.

Checking In...

2009-02-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

Since my procedure I feel great. I didn't have any pain and was back working both jobs again the very next day. I feel a sense of calm and peace since the procedure. I feel like I took control over my body and fixing a major issue. At work the very next day one of my cashiers came up to me and said I looked like the happiest person in the world. He asked me if I had won the lottery and just hadn't told anyone. I just responded with No, didn't win the lottery but I feel like I've won something better.

Now I just feel like time is going by so slow. But that is usually the case when I'm not in the middle of something involving TTC. Timing still might not work out because of the work trip I have this month and I keep telling myself that it will be ok to have to wait out another cycle, but I know I will be very disappointed if that happens. I could use the time to eat better and lose the 10 pounds that I have gained over the last 3-4 months since my surgery & starting TTC.

I really don't have much else going on. Sorry, I'm a bit boring at the moment. I'll check in again if I have anything note worthy.

The Tubes Are Now Open...

2009-01-28T07:11:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was the tube opening. This is now the second procedure that I've had done at United Hospital and they are just so wonderful. Everyone was so nice and when I was wheeled into the room to actually do the procedure there was a team of people. It was a bigger deal then I was expecting, which made me more nervous then I think I would have been otherwise. As I scooted my butt to the end of the table and propped it up on a stack of what looked like towels and they tapped my feet to the table I was put totally at ease my the lesbian nurse talking to me about anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. With a bunch of really good drugs I barely felt anything. I did feel some pressure and cramping but it didn't last long.

So, I bet you want to know the results.... THE TUBES ARE NOW OPENED

Yes, I said tubes...turns out the right tube that I was told was opened actually was a little blocked as well.

We were also told that we don't have to wait before we start trying again. Bad thing is we'll be out of town around the time AF is supposed to arrive. If AF arrives early I won't be in town for my cd3 u/s and to get my prescription for clomid to start on cd3. If AF arrives on time or a day or two late then everything should work out just fine. But I'm ok with either one. Of course I'm anxious to start again, but I've been through so much that I'll be taking this one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I won't be upset.

Yesterday was also an anniversary for K & I. It was 13 years ago yesterday from the day we met. We thought it was a great way to spend the day.

Thank God It's Friday...

2009-01-23T11:19:00.001-08:00

Today is one of those days where I do not want to be at work. I'm being very unproductive. Thankfully I'm leaving early. Only 2 1/2 hours but I think today it will save my sanity. I'm going to grocery shop, get a massage and chiropractic adjustment then relax at home with the puppies.

I heard from my Mom today. She said she heard from Bill (they guy that offered me free sperm) and he got my letter. He called it a nice letter and said he just wanted to help but he understands where I'm coming from. First, why keep discussing this with my Mother??? She was so funny. He didn't read her the letter and when I wasn't offering any details she flat out asked me what I wrote to him. HOW RUDE! Our conversation didn't last long. I can tell she wants to have some deep conversation but I just don't want to. She is always saying the wrong thing.

I can't wait until Tuesday! I'm so excited to be getting my tube opened. I feel like time isn't going fast enough. I think I've just had too much time on my hands with K out of town. She comes home Monday. YEAH!!

My Best Friend Tracie

2009-01-22T07:15:00.001-08:00

Everyone...Say Hello to Tracie.

Tracie and I have been the best of friends for over 23 years. We have been through everything together.

We met in high school, we were roommates shortly after high school and even worked together in the same office. We've seen each other through sick parents, break ups, new relationships, new jobs, loss of jobs, and so on. Anyone stuck in the same room with us for more then an hour is stuck listening to "Tracie-Abby Stories" over and over because there are just so many.

Tracie and I live over 400 miles apart and now that there is so much going on (with both of us) it has been very hard to be apart. When I started TTC I was very excited to tell my best friend about it. Most of our conversations over the recent months has been primarily about my TTC efforts. But when I told her (and so many others) about starting TTC I had no idea that I was going to have so many issues. I never thought in a million years that I would need surgery, a tube opened and fertility drugs. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Over the months I have found comfort in talking to all of you...Other TTC'ers. Starting in the message boards and now here. In my blog as well as all of yours. It gives me a comfort that I get more advise then having to answer questions because this situation isn't something that everything knows about or will ever go through. I also like feeling that maybe I can also give some advise or comfort to all of you going through the same thing.

While I've been not really talking about things as often because I do feel like I'm in a holding period right now since I decided to get that tube opened I found out yesterday that my Best Friend feels left out. She feels like our conversations have been replaced by this blog.

I want her to know that nobody has replaced her. That this blog is away for me to be connected to other woman who can understand me during the TTC, but it will never replace the history that her and I have had and the future that is still to come. That it won't take away from me telling her what's going on, but can be a tool for her to keep track of my journey when it gets confusing. I want her to feel comfortable to be here, read what I write and take it for face value.

So, Tracie, I know it's hard being so far apart. I know it sometimes feels like maybe we're not as connected, but over 23 years we've gone through times where we haven't talked alot or didn't spend alot of time together but because of our love and friendship we always come back together like not a single day has passed. That is the beauty of us. No worries.

Thank You Letter...

2009-01-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

If you remember from a previous post an old friend of the family told my Mother that he wanted to donate sperm to me. And even though in so many ways I feel that the offer was just weird I was still very touched and thankful. And even though I wasn't even involved in the conversation I still feel like I had to acknowledge it. I had to turn down this guy who was so willing to help create a life. Well, the letter is done and on it's way. It took two days and several drafts, but I feel I came across kind and thankful while still saying no to his offer.

K's flight was good and she is having a relaxing time at her Mom's. I spent the evening cooking enough food to get me through almost the whole week and watching reruns of One Tree Hill. I've never watched that show before, but about 4 months ago it started rerunning on Soap Network so I started watching it and it's my newest guilty pleasure. Yes, you can say it....I'm a dork. :)

I finally showed K my blog. Maybe someday she'll post, but I at least wanted her to be able to read it, read all of the comments and follow everyone else's blogs. I know it's really helped me and I want her to have the same experience.

That's all the news I have for now.

Tubal Cannulation....

2009-01-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Tubal Cannulation has been scheduled. The procedure will be done at 10:30am Tuesday January 27th.

I'm officially on another break from TTC which I don't like. But opening this tube takes away my biggest fertility issue that is left. I've had surgery to remove the endometriosis. My FSH number was great. I had the huge cyst on my right ovary removed. The left tube being blocked is the last issue that I can see, so I have to at least try to fix it. After that is done then it is out of my hands.

K will be out of town this week but will fly home the day before my procedure to take care of me. I'm a big girl. I'll be fine while she's gone. It's just so hard going home knowing she won't be there. I do have the puppies to keep me company and when I'm sad and I want to go to bed at 7pm they are more then happy to curl up with me.

My friend from Home Depot came over Saturday and we had a BLAST. I drank like a rock star which is fitting since we played Guitar Hero for hours. It was so much fun. I don't think I'll drink again for a while and definitely not as much as I did the other night.

That's my news today. Hope all is well with everyone.