Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Nothing is ever easy...

K went in for an u/s Friday after she got her blood test done. They wanted it done because she was already spotting and they were jumping the gun because they have her starting meds a day earlier this cycle. She has a cyst. size 22. She was so upset. So, they sent her home and told her to come back on Day 2 in hopes that after AF started it would go away. We went in on Day 2 and it was still there. Not just still there but even bigger. Good news is it is not an estrogen producing cyst and they gave the green light to go ahead this cycle.

K was still so upset. We went to the MN State Fair on Friday and there was a Dad sitting in front of us on the bus on the way home with a little girl maybe 2 years old. He was tickling her belly and she was doing the adorable little giggle. K just started crying. It broke my heart. This was the hardest BFN yet and then to have a cyst. She has been on an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't been letting myself really feel anything. I feel like I have to be the strong one. I'll get a bit teary but I make it go away. Heck, it's not my body this time. I actually question why I even blog anymore. I'm just the "other person". I almost feel like it has nothing to do with me. I only go to every appointment and treat her like a queen. It all doesn't matter. She told her Mom about trying this weekend. She had to. She was so emotional and so crazy that she had to give an explanation. Nowhere in the conversation was I even mentioned. Not a word. Not how good I've been to her, how much I do, how much I'm there for her, etc. Nothing. So, it's just a reminder that I must not matter in this process.

Now that the pity party is over we are trying again. Meds started yesterday Day 2. She is doing 100mg clomid from cd2 - cd6 and 300 mg of bravelle from cd5 - cd9 and possibly longer depending on how the u/s looks on cd10. We'll do 2 insems again and keep our fingers crossed.

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I hate that it's so hard for so many of us. I know K realizes all that you are doing for her. Sometimes it's hard to see outside our own experience when we are hurting. Hugs to you both. Vibing hard for a BFP this cycle! {{{}}}

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  2. I agree with glamcookie. TTC is so hard on both parties and sometimes it is ever harder to realize, in the moment, how it is affecting the other person. I went crazy during ttc and slammed into a bitter depression last fall. It will get better, the moods will even out and you two will become even stronger because of it all. I know we did.

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  3. I am so sorry this has been so rough... sending you lots of warmth!

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  4. Please dont stop blogging. we are all pulling for you and you need to know how much we care. this is so different for you than it is her, but in many ways its harder. stay strong and keep being good to her, she will remember it, and she depends on it.

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  5. I feel so bad for you feeling left out and down. It sounds like both of you have been consumed in the TTC journey that common purpose is not communicated. I hope that this would bring you closer as a couple and as parents. We are here for you!

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  6. Ouch! I can only imagine how it must hurt you to be watching your sweetie try to get pg when you wanted that for yourself then to have your current contributions overlooked would just add insult to injury. I am so sorry for the hurt you are both living right now. I can only say that during our TTC journey, J and I have alternated between being brought closer together and pulled painfully apart. This distance will pass but that does not make your current thoughts and feelings any less valuable. I am glad you blog. Both sides of the uterus are important and TTC is no less frustrating just because you will not be the one to carry. ((hugs))

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  7. I'm so sorry you are feeling left out of the process. I'm sure K feels just as overwhelmed as you do and is not doing anything on purpose. I"m sure you two talk about how you're feeling, you'll find some common ground.
    This whole process is so awful and gut-wrenching and I'm sorry you are having to go through it.

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  8. Please, please don't stop blogging. TTC really does pull you apart and make you feel like you are suffering all alone in this world. But, know that we are all here to support you. Your voice is no less valuable now that you've switched uteri. I'm sending you lots of love.

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  9. Oh, honey. Sorry it's so difficult. Hope you can talk to K about this and find a way to help each other through this. You're both dealing with so much disappointment, it's hard to reach out in those moments. Lots of love.

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