Thursday, April 30, 2015

It's a BOY!!!

I got a call from the OB Office today and my Maternity 21 results are in....NORMAL!!

And this blood tests also tells gender of the baby.....IT'S A BOY!

We would have been happy with either but I think we were kinda hoping for a boy.

This is a great day!

Monday, April 27, 2015

14 Weeks

I am at 14 weeks today.  My life has been crazy so I feel very lucky that this has been a wonderful pregnancy so far. 

Our foster child has been with us 2 weeks.  She is a challenge.  She is insecure & sassy.  She has terrible behavior in school which had me late for work today because we had to have a meeting with school about her.  It went as well as can be expected.

I find myself unable to bond with her.  One, she has a lot of walls up already due to everything she has been through but I'm ashamed to say that I kinda resent her and for taking all the attention away from this pregnancy.  Taking all the attention away from me needing attention during this pregnancy.  I'm 44 and pregnant.  I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone else.  I spent the last 19 years taking care of K and all of her needs so being pregnant is the only time that I get all the attention and that isn't happening.  The foster kid is getting everything and she isn't grateful, she doesn't realize how good she has it or how her terrible little life is affecting me. 

Yes yes yes....I know.  I sound terrible.  That is where I feel guilty.  But I can't help how I feel.

Thankfully nobody reads this and nobody I really know reads this in my real life so I can talk about the terrible person I really am.

Monday, April 13, 2015

12 Weeks

Today I hit the 12 week mark. Everyone always feels more secure hitting the 12 week mark. NOT ME. I don't feel secure. I lost my twins at 21 weeks.

I know that sounds like I'm complaining. Maybe anyone reading this would think all I should be is grateful that I'm pregnant again. I would have been that person. I would have thought "be grateful for what you have". Until it happened to me. Now that I've been through what I believe is the worst possible thing that will ever happen to I know better. Now I know that even though they were only with me for moments it will hurt forever.
I miss them everyday. And even though I will love and cherish this baby I'm carrying he (or she) won't replace my baby boys.
We now have the 8 year old little girl living with us as a foster child. She is terribly behaved, disrespectful and just overall a mean little girl. She will definitely not replace my innocent baby boys. I hope we are able to help her. I hope we can improve her bad behaviors and when I first started this I thought for sure we'd be able to but the more I get to know her the more I doubt that. I really think there is something to it when they say a child's personality is set by the time they are 5. I didn't believe that until now.
That's about it for now. I could type and type but this would turn into a "I feel sorry for myself" post and those are never fun to read.