The journey is over

This past Friday, May 29th I lost the baby. Jaxon Robert Chavez was born at 3:15 stillborn. I have no idea why. And at this point it just doesn't matter anymore. We have decided to stop trying. After 7 years, almost 100k, 2 surgeries, 10 iui's, 4 IVF,  3 angels we are done.

I will never be the same. I know this is all because of me. My body has failed us over and over. I can't put Kathy or another baby through this ever again.

The Ultimate Gift was me giving Kathy the baby she so desperately wanted. And I have failed. This blog is now over. I will live the rest of my life childless. Please don't ask about fostering or adoption. That is not going to happen.

I wish everyone who has been following me all these years the best in life and many thanks for the support.

Good bye.

Bed Rest

On the 21st I went in for an ultrasound. My ultrasound on the 12th showed my cervix length 2.9. On the 21st my cervix length was down to .67. I'm told that is equal to 5mm. Which is basically nothing. My cervix is being held together by a stitch. At week 13 I got a cerclage and thank goodness I did. The stupid "expert" I had the cerclage consultation with tried to talk me out of it. If I would have listened to that bitch this baby would be gone.

So I was originally admitted to the hospital overnight. Given meds to stop my uterus from contacting. I was released basically with vaginal progesterone and a "we'll monitor you". I had to demand bed rest. They weren't even going to do that. So I feel like it's up to me and Kathy to get this baby to 24 weeks so the doctors will take this pregnancy seriously.

I do feel better with only a few days of bed rest. I feel so much less pressure. I know in my gut this is the best thing for me to do.

Keep us all in your thoughts. My poor Kathy is carrying our entire world on her shoulders. I have to lay here and pray nothing goes wrong.

We also have a foster child at the moment. It isn't working out. Even before the bed rest we decided to have the county find her a better placement. But now with the bed rest we really know this is the best decision.

This is my life as of today. I'll stay laying here for the next 6 weeks so we can help the baby!

Tragedy could strike again....

When I lost my twin boys it was because an incompetent cervix.  It just popped open and my world has felt like it ended ever since. 

I get pregnant again.  IVF #4.  8 years, close to 100K, loss of twins and almost one failed marriage later and I think I'm going to have the baby I've been trying so hard for.  The baby I've been trying so hard to give my wife. 

3 weeks ago I got a cerclage.  I'm all stitched up.  Of course the specialists tried to talk me out of it.  Tried to tell me I probably don't need it....BULLSHIT!  My cervix is already starting to open again.

It's still in the normal range but not my much.  I'll probably have to go on bed rest which will put my job in jeopardy.  See because if you've been following along back in February they eliminated my department and I still haven't been officially placed in a new assignment.  That will probably happen next week but if I go on bed rest they won't wait 6 months for me.  I know.... I know..... legally they have to hold a job for me but not my job and not at my pay.  I could end up being the receptionist or mail room person.  That's all honest work but not what I want to do.

If I lose this baby I think I'll lose my mind.  No amount of therapy will help me.

I feel like I can feel my cervix opening every second.  This SUCKS!!

It's a BOY!!!

I got a call from the OB Office today and my Maternity 21 results are in....NORMAL!!

And this blood tests also tells gender of the baby.....IT'S A BOY!

We would have been happy with either but I think we were kinda hoping for a boy.

This is a great day!

14 Weeks

I am at 14 weeks today.  My life has been crazy so I feel very lucky that this has been a wonderful pregnancy so far. 

Our foster child has been with us 2 weeks.  She is a challenge.  She is insecure & sassy.  She has terrible behavior in school which had me late for work today because we had to have a meeting with school about her.  It went as well as can be expected.

I find myself unable to bond with her.  One, she has a lot of walls up already due to everything she has been through but I'm ashamed to say that I kinda resent her and for taking all the attention away from this pregnancy.  Taking all the attention away from me needing attention during this pregnancy.  I'm 44 and pregnant.  I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone else.  I spent the last 19 years taking care of K and all of her needs so being pregnant is the only time that I get all the attention and that isn't happening.  The foster kid is getting everything and she isn't grateful, she doesn't realize how good she has it or how her terrible little life is affecting me. 

Yes yes yes....I know.  I sound terrible.  That is where I feel guilty.  But I can't help how I feel.

Thankfully nobody reads this and nobody I really know reads this in my real life so I can talk about the terrible person I really am.

12 Weeks

Today I hit the 12 week mark. Everyone always feels more secure hitting the 12 week mark. NOT ME. I don't feel secure. I lost my twins at 21 weeks.

I know that sounds like I'm complaining. Maybe anyone reading this would think all I should be is grateful that I'm pregnant again. I would have been that person. I would have thought "be grateful for what you have". Until it happened to me. Now that I've been through what I believe is the worst possible thing that will ever happen to me....now I know better. Now I know that even though they were only with me for moments it will hurt forever.

I miss them everyday. And even though I will love and cherish this baby I'm carrying he (or she) won't replace my baby boys.

We now have the 8 year old little girl living with us as a foster child. She is terribly behaved, disrespectful and just overall a mean little girl. She will definitely not replace my innocent baby boys. I hope we are able to help her. I hope we can improve her bad behaviors and when I first started this I thought for sure we'd be able to but the more I get to know her the more I doubt that. I really think there is something to it when they say a child's personality is set by the time they are 5. I didn't believe that until now.

That's about it for now. I could type and type but this would turn into a "I feel sorry for myself" post and those are never fun to read.

10 weeks

I've hit the 10 week mark today.  Time is going by so slow.  Time went by so slow with my last pregnancy and I ended up losing that pregnancy so I'm so worried about this one.  Way more worried then I'm showing anyone.  We are going to tell family we're pregnant at 16 weeks but I still won't feel safe.  I lost the boys at 21 weeks.  I wish I could wait until 30 weeks.  But I can't live in a bubble. 

My life is changing.  Changing so much.  I thought I was good with change.  I thought I was strong but with all of this I'm figuring out that maybe I'm not so good with change.  Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this.

7w 2d

Had a ultrasound today and the baby is perfect.  Measuring right on schedule and heart rate 142.

Picture just looks like a blob at the moment but it's a beautiful blob.

More to come.

posting just to post

I'm so tired today. Everything has been crazy.  I feel like all I want to do is crash and veg out all weekend but that isn't a possibility.  Tonight we are taking little Jonna to the movies and dinner tonight.  Tomorrow we have the washer repairman coming in the morning to look at the washer and then we have to run out and buy a twin bed and do some major grocery shopping because we will have Jonna in our home for 10 days starting Sunday.  So, this weekend will be jam packed!!

My ass is killing me from the progesterone shots.  They are creating lumps or knots under the skin and no amount of walking or heating pads or massage is helping them to go away and the pain is horrible. 

I don't feel pregnant which is scary.  I wasted $20 on expensive pregnancy test just to make sure it still says pregnant even though in my mind I know I'm 6 weeks but I had to see it again.

I have my ultrasound on Tuesday.  I hope everything is ok. 

I'm totally feeling sorry for myself these days.  My job is in limbo and my personal life is in overdrive.  Plus I found out today that my situation at work has become the topic of conversation and I'm being "gossiped" about.  Obviously they have nothing better to talk about. 

Wish me luck I get through the weekend.  :)

Update - Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound yesterday.  It is way too soon to see a baby or hear a heartbeat but they wanted to find the sack and make sure it is in the right place.

Great news!!!!  There is a sack and it is in the right place.  Actually to add even more good news the it is measuring right on schedule.  Yesterday I was 5w3d and our peanut measured at 5w2d.

I still consider this pregnancy fragile but so far so good.

BETA #5 736

My beta isn't rising as fast as it should or they would like. But it's still going up at a rate where there is still hope. We are going to have an ultrasound tomorrow to see if we can see anything.

BETA #4 - 480

The BETA is finally rising at the rate is should. They still haven't given me a due date because they are still "cautiously optimistic". There is an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. We should be able to see something by then.

Relief....

Today's BETA 165

Today's BETA is up. It did not double but went up to 165 from 103 which is the 60% minimum that they consider a healthy rise. So, we are cautiously optimistic and I test again on Monday.

But if I'm being honest I feel like my body is rejecting it. I feel like I'm miscarrying. But if this little peanut is going to fight to stick with me then I'll deal with anything I have to.

The black cloud is still over me.....

Beta #2 was only 103.  That is at LEAST 30 points under what it should be for a beta.  57 under the ideal number.  I feel like our little peanut is leaving us.  I feel like I'm in a fragile state.

I just can't catch a break.  I must of done something really horrible in past life (or this one) to have this keep happening.

I have another beta tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping for a miracle but I need to prepare myself for reality.

Keep us in your thoughts.

BFP BETA 80

My BETA is 80 today.  I go back Wednesday to make sure it's rising.  I made my 8 week appt with the OB office already today. 

Life is pretty good.

BFP

I don't officially test till Monday but I took a home test this afternoon and.....TWO LINES! The line may be light but it's there.

This past week has been crazy. My company decided to devolve my department which is heartbreaking to me. I put my heart and soul into the group. I made the position exactly what I wanted and needed and now my future at the company and where I'll be working is uncertain.

But hard to be upset when you see this.

Good Feeling

I have a great feeling about the IVF.  Maybe I'm crazy but I believe I felt the implantation.  I'll be shocked if I'm not pregnant. Pregnant test is next Monday. Keep sending baby-vibes!

Our home visit to get custody of the little girl is this Wednesday. We have to get the house ready today.  Life is busy but I feel good. Finally. Life has been hard and depressing but there just might be some light.

IVF #4

Friday is IVF #4. I haven't really posting and actually I haven't really told anyone about this try. I just don't want to hear people's fake optimism. Or have to tell people if it worked. Because if it doesn't work the worst thing is having to say a dozen times "It didn't take". Things look good overall for this try. We feel pretty good about this try.
There is a new development in our life that I will document here. K and I are in the process of fostering to adopt a 7 year old little girl. Her Mother is a drug addict who broke this little girl. She has abandonment issues and has outburst and temper tantrums. We know this will be a challenge but we have committed to helping her not matter what so we have been preparing ourselves for the worst. And with how slow the state and county moves with this kind of thing we have had plenty of time to think.

Wish me luck!!  Send tons of baby vibes my way.

Another Delay

IVF #3 won't be until the beginning of February. My body isn't cooperating at the moment. I have a cyst or follicle that is pumping out estrogen which is bad so now I'm on provera as well as lupron to calm down my system and make it release whatever it is that is happening.

I'm trying like hell to start my new year positive and dieting to lose the baby depression weight. I'm trying like hell to not be depressed and hate life. But I don't think I'm really figuring out how to do that. K is struggling right along with me which I hate to see her in pain. We are surrounded by pregnant women and babies. And even though I would never deny anyone else any happiness and I would never want another woman to go through what I went through....It is so hard everyone's else’s joy in my face.

That may sound selfish. Maybe. But it's honest. I know one day that will change. I know time will heal me and time will ease my pain but for now everything is too new. Everything is too fresh and I relive the day my babies everyday.

So, I've cut out everything I love like sweets, pasta, rice, tortillas, etc. I love ice cream, Mexican food, junk food and I'm eating lean meat, egg whites and salads. I love to comfort eat and I can't do that.

That's about it for now.