The journey is over

This past Friday, May 29th I lost the baby. Jaxon Robert Chavez was born at 3:15 stillborn. I have no idea why. And at this point it just doesn't matter anymore. We have decided to stop trying. After 7 years, almost 100k, 2 surgeries, 10 iui's, 4 IVF,  3 angels we are done.

I will never be the same. I know this is all because of me. My body has failed us over and over. I can't put Kathy or another baby through this ever again.

The Ultimate Gift was me giving Kathy the baby she so desperately wanted. And I have failed. This blog is now over. I will live the rest of my life childless. Please don't ask about fostering or adoption. That is not going to happen.

I wish everyone who has been following me all these years the best in life and many thanks for the support.

Good bye.

Bed Rest

On the 21st I went in for an ultrasound. My ultrasound on the 12th showed my cervix length 2.9. On the 21st my cervix length was down to .67. I'm told that is equal to 5mm. Which is basically nothing. My cervix is being held together by a stitch. At week 13 I got a cerclage and thank goodness I did. The stupid "expert" I had the cerclage consultation with tried to talk me out of it. If I would have listened to that bitch this baby would be gone.

So I was originally admitted to the hospital overnight. Given meds to stop my uterus from contacting. I was released basically with vaginal progesterone and a "we'll monitor you". I had to demand bed rest. They weren't even going to do that. So I feel like it's up to me and Kathy to get this baby to 24 weeks so the doctors will take this pregnancy seriously.

I do feel better with only a few days of bed rest. I feel so much less pressure. I know in my gut this is the best thing for me to do.

Keep us all in your thoughts. My poor Kathy is carrying our entire world on her shoulders. I have to lay here and pray nothing goes wrong.

We also have a foster child at the moment. It isn't working out. Even before the bed rest we decided to have the county find her a better placement. But now with the bed rest we really know this is the best decision.

This is my life as of today. I'll stay laying here for the next 6 weeks so we can help the baby!

Tragedy could strike again....

When I lost my twin boys it was because an incompetent cervix.  It just popped open and my world has felt like it ended ever since. 

I get pregnant again.  IVF #4.  8 years, close to 100K, loss of twins and almost one failed marriage later and I think I'm going to have the baby I've been trying so hard for.  The baby I've been trying so hard to give my wife. 

3 weeks ago I got a cerclage.  I'm all stitched up.  Of course the specialists tried to talk me out of it.  Tried to tell me I probably don't need it....BULLSHIT!  My cervix is already starting to open again.

It's still in the normal range but not my much.  I'll probably have to go on bed rest which will put my job in jeopardy.  See because if you've been following along back in February they eliminated my department and I still haven't been officially placed in a new assignment.  That will probably happen next week but if I go on bed rest they won't wait 6 months for me.  I know.... I know..... legally they have to hold a job for me but not my job and not at my pay.  I could end up being the receptionist or mail room person.  That's all honest work but not what I want to do.

If I lose this baby I think I'll lose my mind.  No amount of therapy will help me.

I feel like I can feel my cervix opening every second.  This SUCKS!!