Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Relationships change after death....

When I got pregnant with twins relationships in my life started to change. A few friends with children came back into my life. I got along with my mother for the first time....EVER. I believe it was my sons that made it possible for me tolerate her. They made me a nicer person. A more forgiving person. I was a different person. They made me eat healthier and gave me an aversion to sugar. They made me funny and witty. And now they are gone.

I'm back to not liking anything about my mother. I'm once again seeing all her annoying traits and she is saying all the wrong things and there is nothing I can do about it but go back to avoiding her. The few friends with children that were back in my life have left again. I'm back to being intolerant of most people, crabby, and eating all the junk food I can get my hands on. I'm tying like hell to not become the bitter and hateful person I was for so many years. I find myself feeling sorry for myself. Boohoo my babies died, boohoo I don't have children, boohoo my parents didn't go to my wedding, boohoo nobody in my family acknowledged my wedding or attended the family party for that wedding 16 years ago, boohoo I'm poor because I've spent all my money on fertility treatments to just end up broke, bitter and babyless. BOOHOO!

The positive thing is my high school best friend who I had been growing apart from for years actually stepped up and showed she can still be the friend she used to be and listen to me tell her my story and my guilt and was just comforting. That put life back into that friendship. I've also been lucky enough to have an old friend come back into my life that has been so supportive and has helped me so much. She went through losing twin boys 5 years ago so she gives me a level of understanding that so many other people are unable to. Not that I would wish this on anyone but this is a very lonely place and she helps me feel not so alone. And then there is the girl I work with. I've only known her since April, I don't think we would ever hang out together outside of work but she has become a very important part of my day. I have cried to her, I tell her about what is making me sad or mad at that moment and she says nothing. She just listens. That is a gift.

Now, back to the bad.... I have a very small family. The list consists of Mom, Dad, Brother, Aunt, Uncle and Niece. That's the list of immediate family that is in my life anyway. I have a couple more aunts and some cousins that don't talk to me or my family (that's a whole other story). Then there is the extended family that I barely talk to because they are 2nd cousins or something like that. From my short list of family my parents have been supportive (which should be a given) I didn't hear from my brother until just this past Saturday which was 4 weeks and 2 days after losing my babies. I heard from my niece Sunday, 4 weeks and 3 days after losing my babies, and I heard from my Uncle Monday (yesterday), 4 weeks and 4 days after losing my babies. So, anyone who is blood relative to me waited over a month to contact me. No cards, no flowers, no calls.... My Uncle's wife made a comment on facebook with over a 100 other people which to me doesn't count. Facebook is for old high school friends, distant relatives, etc. Facebook is ok if it's a private message through facebook. That's ok. That's at least a place you can say something personal or meaningful if you must use facebook.

When my Uncle contacted me last night (via text) I told him last night wasn't good to talk. So, I get to have that conversation tonight. Last night I was two drinks in and I probably would have been mean or too emotional. My goal is to have a nice conversation without throwing it in his face that it took him over a month to call me.

I read a story on facebook about a woman who lost a son and she talked about how her address book changed. It was very true.

Now to end on a good note. I have Kathy. I love her. She is my life and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Even if I didn't have the few friends that I have I know I'd still be fine because I have her. She protects me and I protect her. I'm loved and that is all that matters.

Saturday, September 27, 2014


I feel like I'm dying. ....

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My Story

I wasn't going to write such an honest and detailed story but I feel I owe it to myself.  I owe it to my children.  I am a parent.  I am a parent forever.  It may have only been for 4 hours but I am now and will forever be a parent.  I believe people still look at me as not being a parent, but I will never agree with that.

August 27th I wasn't feeling well.  I was going through a lot of work stress but otherwise I never thought it was anything serious.  That same night around 10pm when I was going to bed I was very uncomfortable.  I felt a lot of pressure that I really thought it just was constipation.  I had run out of the constipation medicine a day or two before so I really really thought that was why I was uncomfortable. 

I had a terrible night.  All I kept thinking about was how I just had to get through the night, get to the store for some medicine (or prune juice) and get some relief.  Never once did the word labor ever come into my mind.  I wish it had.  I wish just once so I would have run to an ER.  So, I'll get this out of the way.....I feel like it is all my fault.  I know deep in my heart if I knew it was labor I was feeling I could have changed the result of what happened.  I will have this guilt forever.

I was up again at 4am August 28th and when I crawled back into bed my water broke.  Again, I'm going to show how naive I am....I had no clue my water broke.  My first thought was...I wet myself.  How stupid is that???  Take away my woman card right now because at this point I do not deserve it.

As soon as my water broke we rushed to United Hospital and I was wheeled up to Labor & Delivery.  AGAIN I was wondering "Why am I going there???  I'm not delivering!"  They gave me an ultrasound and both babies at that point were still alive with strong heartbeats.  So even at that point I didn't think I was in labor or that things wouldn't work out.

But then the contractions started.  I'm in my room getting pain medication to give me some relief from the pain and it hits me...I'm in labor (because at this point nobody has said the word labor to me or has told me what's going on)  I start to freak out saying someone has to come in and stop the contractions from happening.

After hours of laying there waiting for the whole story to find out what was happening to me we were finally told that Baby A's (Ty) water broke and Baby B (Noah) couldn't be saved.  We waited for our doctor to arrive before delivering.  Ty was already dead.  He died in my body waiting to be delivered.  Noah was born alive and lived 2 1/2 hours.  I heard his little voice when he was born.  He cried a little. It was a beautiful sound.  

With the premature labor I was in at home as well as the entire day at the hospital I was in labor a total of 17 hours.  I got an epidural and delivered two of the most beautiful boys I have ever seen in my life.  We had them with us, holding them, talking to them, and kissing them for 4 hours.  I'm so happy I met them and got to say goodbye.

Kathy was wonderful.  So strong and supportive.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have her.  This was my story which is still hard to really sort out.  She has a story.  She relives the entire thing over and over again.  I know this story is about me but I have not forgotten about her.  I never forget about her but I will not speak for her. 

I still don't know if I did my story justice but there it is. 

We have just started going to a grief counseling group.  We are going to walk in the 5K for infant loss.  And the hospital is having a memorial service that we will be attending for our boys.  I'm glad we have these things.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The unthinkable happened...

I don't know how much I'll be able to type. I don't even think many people even read this blog anymore. It has been more of place for me then anything.

Since there are people I know in real life that read this there are things about what happened that I just can't put in the blog but I need to record the update.

On August 28th we lost the babies. I went into early labor, my water broke and there was nothing they could do. I was in labor 17 hours and delivered both babies who we named Ty Robert and Noah Robert. Ty was still born but Noah was alive and lived for almost 3 hours. We held them both and tried to cherish the small amount of time we had.

It has been devastating and neither one of us are in anyway doing well.

The only other thing I will add is we do plan on trying again. We went into saying no regrets which is why we did the attain program. Multiple tries so we didn't walk away from this without knowing we did everything we could.

That's all I can say for now.