Friday, April 2, 2010


Things have been pretty blah. That's the only word that comes to mind.

I cleaned up the lists of blogs I follow and moved a ton over to the pregnant/family list. I think I even still have 1 to move. I can't believe how many have gotten pregnant. Even though I would never want anyone to be in my shoes and I am genuinely happy for all of you.... it hurts. I can't lie. K is so depressed. I hate seeing her like this. It's hard for me to be sad and morn this time for me because I need to be there for her.

I've started journaling in a new place. It's just for me to vent that nobody knows about. I wanted the new writing to be something for me to help me start a new. Capture the journey to a better life without children but all it's been so far is a place for me to complain about everything & say the things that I wouldn't say anywhere else.

I also had a death in the family this week. My Mother's Aunt. I wasn't close to her, but now I'll be missing work (both jobs) and having to attend a very sad service. Oh, and my parents will be coming in to town and staying with me. Because this Aunt happened to live here in Minnesota. Go figure.

Oh I turn 40 next month. I really hope things are a little better by then because I really hate birthdays and I'm really hating this one coming up and it would really suck to be in this BLAH place for that event.


  1. I dont know why the cosmos can't give you a sticky BFP. It's not fair. You have both worked so effing hard, and there's nothing you deserve more than a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end. I know how depressed we felt after our 9th BFN. I dont know how I would have handled it had our IVF round not worked. we came close to a very dark place for a while. I know there's nothing I can really say or do to help your situation, but just know that I think about you girls often and am sending lots of healing hugs over the blogosphere. xx

  2. Oh sweetie, I am sorry that you are filled with such sadness and rage right now. How could you not be really?! I understand your need for a private space to journal and vent but I would also say that this community is also still here to pull you through. I have experienced several of those dark nights of the soul and they are indeed, dark and scary. I hope that you get through this one intact and with a new life vision in place. Sending you much love.

  3. I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to find a little bit of peace. If you don't post before than, have a wonderful 40th. Much love to you and K.