Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Catching Up...

It was nice catching up on some blogs today. I miss all of you so much. It is still hard to sometimes. I just can't relate to with anyone pregnant or who have had their baby. I want to. You all know I'm so happy for you. That part doesn't change. It's just so hard to read them. And if I am able to read them I don't know what to say. So, with that said, I'm just still healing.

I'm still working over 60 hours a week. I want so bad to start jogging, but haven't started yet. The little time I have off has been spent doing so many other things that need to get done, but it is still on the list and I am still planning on making it happen.

We hired a landscape guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house. I'm posting a picture for your viewing pleasure. I love it. As you can see it's a 2-tier landscape timber retaining wall. We'll be planting a bunch of stuff in those lower beds very soon. 4th of July weekend we'll be putting in a patio under the window on the left in the front of the house. We already purchased the little patio set that will go there when it's done.

I met my brother's new girlfriend this past weekend when I went to Chicago to visit my Dad for Father's Day. She's ok. Yes, she's pregnant. They are talking marriage. No real plans have been made, but when this does come up I don't know that I will be able to go. My brother and I aren't close so it's not him or the fact that she is pregnant why I don't want to attend. It's my parents. See, K and I got married on a beach in Maui back in 1999. My parents did make plans to attend but at the last minute they cancelled. Mom made some bad excuse about having to take care of my niece, but I know she just didn't want to watch me marry a girl. So, I can't watch them attend my brothers wedding. Not that I don't want them to go. I do. I think they should see at least 1 of their kids get married and I don't want them to think they can't be happy. I just don't want to see it.

Sorry if this is all sounding so "poor me". I actually hate that when I hear it from others. I hate to think that I'm "damaged". But in some way I believe I am damaged at the moment. But healing. I know I'm healing. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Now more then ever.


  1. Please please please keep posting. Skim/skip over the posts that you read that you don't identify with/aren't good for your mental health. Don't feel pressured to comment- we all "get it", but we also want you around and want the opportunity to support you!

    The retaining wall looks incredible! Talk about a big project. RE: the brother- yeah, I would feel the same way you do. If you were close to your brother, I would say- "remember, this is about him, not your parents", but you're not- so don't think about attending, don't worry about it, plan something fabulous instead.

  2. I am glad you are healing. I have been there and it's hard.

  3. Thanks for dropping by and making the comment wishing me luck. I can't imagine how hard that is. It means a lot to me.

    I'm glad to see an update from you and glad to hear you're working on healing. The house looks good. I can just imagine it with flowers and a patio.

    Regarding the family situation, I did go to my brother's wedding 6 months after ours (his second). I went without Tam. I insisted on bringing her and my brother had finally agreed, but he didn't include her on the invitation so she decided not to go. I ended up being glad she didn't go because it was a HORRIBLE day for me, and I'm glad Tam didn't have to go through it. It was devastating to watch my family celebrate my brother's marriage while they chose to ignore my own. I felt like I was betraying Tam just by being there, and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way although she didn't come out and say it. Tam and I got past it, but things haven't been the same with any of my immediate family since. I think not going would have been a better choice for me and for my wife. I wish I hadn't gone.

  4. BTW, Temptations reopened. Maybe that's some kind of sign?

  5. Glad to hear from you-- "we" do get it and I still very much want to folow your process. the retaining wall looks great and I am glad to hear that you are healing.

    I second Pom's take on the wedding. If you don't want to go, don't go. You'll spend the whole time resenting him, resenting your parents and feeling victimized by attending. Not worth it-- send a little gift and let him know you won't be attending and instead spend that time and money on doing something for you and K.

    Sounds like your landscaping plans are going beautifully. I hope you are not working so hard that you can't enjoy the fruits of your labor!

  6. I love the retaining wall! So pretty and it will be fabulous after things are planted. A little oasis is what you are building.

    The story of your parents quietly not attending your wedding made my heart hurt. I know mine would not attend either and that is hard.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. Imagining a different life for yourself can be a long hard process and there are bound to be times when peoples new pregnancies cut deeply.

    And if you just cannot bear to read tge pg blogs-- we all understand. ((()))