Delivery Date

Or delivery date just past. This was a very hard Christmas!  We came home on the 26th and knew we wanted to do something different on our delivery date instead of dwelling on the death of our twins.  So we got a room at the Crown Plaza in Bloomington. We relaxed, went to the movies, a nice dinner and spent some quality and uninterrupted time together for a couple days.
It's time to pull things together. Our next try is January 22nd.
I hope everyone who has been in my life from this blog all these years had a wonderful holiday. This had been a very long journey and writing this blog as a record of it all means a lot to me.
More later.

IVF #4 Scheduled

January 22nd is the next try. This one will be a frozen embryo transfer as well.

We are apart of the Attain Program. If you don't know what that is....It is a "shared risk" program where basically I pay for 2 fresh tries and if I got pregnant on the first try I over pay. That is my risk. Their risk is for the cost of 2 fresh tries I get 3 fresh tries and 3 frozen tries. That is their risk. If it takes me more then the cost of 2 fresh tries to get pregnant they have over paid. And if I go through all 6 tries and end up with no baby at all I get my money back. That is also their risk. Looks like we will bet getting the better end of the deal with how things have been going. If my twins carried to term I would have over paid and I would have gladly over paid.....

Well, anyway I got a call today from the financial people and they wanted to make sure since this is my 3rd frozen transfer I only have 2 fresh tries left after the January 22nd try. I actually got sad from that call. It's so hard after such a devastating loss like having my twins die in my arms to stay hopeful that one of these tries is going to work out. I want it to. My body is ready to be pregnant, there is nothing medically wrong. I've been checked over and over so now all I need is for an embryo to implant again. We know what went wrong with the twins and we have a plan to prevent it from happening again but I need these doctors to get me pregnant again.

I am not looking forward to Christmas. Actually I'm very anti-Christmas these days but I'll go through the motions. Other then that there is nothing much going on here.

more later...

IVF #3 - BFN

It didn't happen this time.  I'm not pregnant.  We will try again.  Probably another frozen embryo transfer and then if that one doesn't work we'll go to another fresh try.  That's what we think the plan is at the moment anyway.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all.  I think it would have helped us on December 28th when our delivery date hit to be pregnant again and have that to look forward to rather then now only having our loss to mourn on that day. 

I need to diet.  I need to stop eating out of depression.  I have to pull it together better.  It's hard knowing I should still be pregnant.  It's hard with our delivery date only days away.  But I'm strong and it will happen.

Until next time....

Everything went well....

Everything went well on Monday so now all we can do is wait and see if it took. 

I'm hopeful but I'm not letting myself get carried away.  I know I'm guarded but after everything I've been through I'm afraid to let down the walls until after the pregnancy test.

Please throw out some good vibes for a positive outcome.