Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm not dead yet....

I decided to check in today on all of the blogs that I haven't looked at for a while. I had to separate myself for a while. Not that I still wasn't wishing the best for all of you but things have been rough to say the least. I call the last few years "My Vietnam". I actually feel like I have PTSD. That sounds so dramatic and anyone who really knows me (IRL) knows that I am far from dramatic. I believe what happened to me over the last few years with dealing with my infertility, to all the negative attempts with K. And the miscarriage. And lets not forget the job loss, and all the money that went out for a dream that never saw the light of day. I didn't realize it at the time but I was angry. Angry at the world. Blindly angry. I joked about the situation. I joked about all the money and no baby. But inside it tore me apart. To the point where I wasn't me anymore. To the point where I was losing my life and everyone dear to me.

I get asked all the time what's going on with "the baby stuff". And the answer to that is nothing. We are still digging ourselves out of the hole the first round of attempts put us in. We talk from time to time about possibly trying again but there is nothing set. I also then get asked "why don't you adopt?" And while I hold myself back from strangling that person I tell them it costs just as much to adopt that is cost us to try and just as hard and just as emotional so there are no plans in the works for that at the moment either. We finally have our heads above water to where I can maybe quit my second job after working 2 jobs for the majority of the last 20 years. I don't want to work 2 jobs anymore. K's finally happy at work again and not working 2 jobs. Even though the amount of OT she works is alot from time to time but at least it is more money and with her real job.

So, my life came crashing down around me and I've been working so hard to pull it all together again. So, thank you to those of you who have sent me messages asking how I am. I just haven't been strong enough to check in until now. Haven't been strong enough to put it all into words. And even though this small post is bringing tears to my eyes now I at least don't feel like it's killing me. I'm trying to get past all of this. I actually went to a little baby shower for a girl at work not that long ago. Now that was progress. It helped that I went in on a gift with a couple other people so I didn't have to shop or wrap. I just showed up. But it's more then I've done in a very long time. I think it's good.

I really hope those of you still out there and even look at this blog are doing well. That you are happy and healthy. I doubt I'll be posting again anytime soon so I think this is also good bye for now.