Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I got a text from K the other day that another one of her cousins are pregnant. I couldn't let myself be happy for her. My only thought was asking K if she was ok. She has 6 cousins all around the same age. 2 have kids and now the third is pregnant. The only 3 left without kids are all boys. 1 gay and 2 not interested in kids at the moment, but I really don't doubt that they too will someday soon make the same announcement.
This Saturday was supposed to be our due date. It shocked me when I saw it still in my calendar. Then I looked back to December and saw the day we got the positive and then all the notes every day leading up to and including the miscarriage. So very sad. What a flood of emotions that brought out.
K and I haven't talked about it. I really hope her calendar still doesn't have the due date. I should sneak a peak at that just in case and delete it if it's still there.
Life goes on......
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday evening we went to a baseball game with people K works with. Thursday morning we both got massages and then out to breakfast. We spent the rest of the day relaxing until a wonderful dinner at Benhiana. YUM!!
I do feel like we are getting back to normal. We finally feel like we are healing a little bit from the TTC process. Things feel alot better these days. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sometimes it all comes rushing back...
So, I run into her and the entire conversation (a good 45 minutes of conversation) was about her kids, her nanny leaving, daycare problems, how much they are talking, etc.
OMG!!! I wanted to punch her!! The only time she did ask how I was I think I said 2 sentences before she changed the subject back to her and her kids. And then she brought up adoption which I could have maybe expanded on that subject, but she didn't give me the chance. Also, which really made me want to punch her was when she actually tried to say she understood how I felt in my situation because she has alot of people "around" her who have had trouble getting pregnant. I just couldn't believe how insensitive she was. She has no idea. She has 2 beautiful kids to go home to everyday. I don't. I call it the 3-B's. BROKE, BITTER AND BABYLESS. That is what I am. I'm trying like hell not to be bitter. I am not that kind of person to ever be bitter to anyone else. I don't live my life that way. I don't mind that she is happy. I don't mind hearing about her kids, but when someone stops caring about you because they have no focus other then themselves that is when I have to distance myself.
Well, that is my vent session of the day and I now I need to take a few deep breaths and forget that even happened. I'm sure it will be months before we see eachother again.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm still alive
I'm still following all my dear friends in blogland. Especially those who are still trying. Sometimes I don't know what to say. I want so bad so say something comforting, but then I relive my own experience and all I can think is there isn't anything anyone can really say that helps. So, I still try and pray that everything will be ok.
Along the same lines my Mom told me yesterday that my brother's girlfriend lost the baby. Even though they are unmarried, unemployed, uninsured, and living with my parents and are crazy to bring a baby into that situation I still feel terrible for them. She is 41 and from what my Mom said this is her 3rd miscarriage. I know she wants a child, which is something I can totally relate to.
I've been thinking more and more about adoption lately. With job loss and all the medical debt we have to pay off from TTC as well as the blood clot I had a year ago I know it will be a while before we can really try again. So, with time against us because of age I'm thinking adoption is probably better. I told this to K. We weren't in the right place to have a huge discussion, but I let her know that I wasn't giving up the dream but maybe we need to look at other options because when we're ready age is going to be a huge factor. I don't know.
That is about it for now. All I can write anyway. Good luck everyone.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
All good things.
Good news....There is an insurance option that does have Infertility Coverage. It is 50% of Meds up to $5,000 and 50% of Medical procedures up to $10,000. This is all very good. It does open a door to more tries down the road. Of course I'm still worried about money. Worried we won't have the money to try even with the insurance help since we feel like we're out of time age wise. But Like K says, we don't know what the future holds or where we will be in a year. After a very long conversation about all of this I've decided to just go with the flow. I have to stop worrying so much. I have to stop stressing myself out. I trust K more then anything and I know she will always take care of us.
I've decided to change my schedule at job number 2 to Saturday & Sunday only. K will be working nights and weekends which means I will need to be home with the boys at night. I'm going to ask them to schedule me each day 8 to 10 hour shifts so I don't lose hours. I think they will do it.
Otherwise, everything else is good. We purchased all the lillies and haustas to plant in the front of the house in those 2 huge flower beds and one side is done. We'll finish the other side tonight. The patio we are putting in is done down to the last 2 blocks that need to be cut a little to fit. My parents are coming out the first weekend in August and bringing me more haustas and lillies out of their yard that I'll plant in the other flower bed under the living room window. Finally, I will finally love the way the front of my house looks. Doing any of this was the last thing on our minds with everything else that has been going on.
That's the extent of things in my world these days. Pretty boring, but honestly boring is good right now. It at least means nothing bad is happening.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Ever Changing Life
K has decided to accept a position with a new airline. As most of you know she is an Electrician by trade. We spent many "poor years" putting her through school and then getting her through her apprenticeship. Within a year after she got her Journeyman's license there was no work and she officially went "on the bench". Thankfully through all of this she worked for an airline and it kept an income coming in even when there was no work in construction. Since there is no work she has gone back to work full time with the airline. An opportunity came up at an airline she used to work for over 10 years ago in Chicago. It is a cut in pay at first, but in the long run it gives her so much more room for growth. Growth both financially and career. It's scary though. We've taken some big hits. We will definitely spend the next 4-5 years living without. Without all the little things that we have come to enjoy. We are going to have to cut corners.
I'm OK with everything. Surprisingly. I get a bit overwhelmed if I think about it all too much, but I just go back to thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for. I'm grateful we still have 3 jobs in our household. I'm grateful that I have K. I'm grateful she is such a hard worker and she would never let us suffer. I'm grateful for our two beautiful fur babies that give me a reason to get up on the mornings when I just don't feel like I can or want to. I'm grateful that even through job loss, tons of medical bills, debt from many failed TTC attempts, and all the other bills that have hit us we are still able to pay them. I'm grateful to have a wonderful home to go to everyday. I'm grateful that we've gotten all our big home improvement projects done so over the next 4-5 years when we can't afford anything extra I won't have to worry about the house. I'm grateful that at the end of the day I get to fall asleep in the arms of someone who loves me more then life itself.
I have no news regarding TTC. We are still on hold with that. There is that hope that the new company will have some sort of Fertility coverage in their insurance that would open that door for us again, but I'm not counting on it. I just know that I can't let go of TTC until K does. She needs me to be supportive about this even when it looks like it should be over. Even when we know that we don't have the money to move forward and we don't have time on our side. But if your life is anything like mine you know that anything can happen.
We purchased all the haustas and lillies that I want to plant in the flower beds in the front of the house. We should be planting on Sunday. I picked plants that are hardy and low maintenance. I don't want to replant every year and I think the combination will be beautiful. We have the patio almost done in the front of the house. We would have gotten it done on our 3-day weekend if we didn't get rained out Monday. It will look so good when it's all done.
I'm half way through the 4th book in the Twilight series. Yes I love the Twilight books. I haven't seen the new movie yet, but so far the movies just don't compare. When I'm done with this book I'll have to find something else to read. The local library is literally 2 blocks away. Since we are now really officially poor I've decided to finally check out the library so I don't have to buy the books anymore.
That's about it in my world. Good luck to all of you who are still TTC and I'll check again soon.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I'm still working over 60 hours a week. I want so bad to start jogging, but haven't started yet. The little time I have off has been spent doing so many other things that need to get done, but it is still on the list and I am still planning on making it happen.
We hired a landscape guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house. I'm posting a picture for your viewing pleasure. I love it. As you can see it's a 2-tier landscape timber retaining wall. We'll be planting a bunch of stuff in those lower beds very soon. 4th of July weekend we'll be putting in a patio under the window on the left in the front of the house. We already purchased the little patio set that will go there when it's done.
I met my brother's new girlfriend this past weekend when I went to Chicago to visit my Dad for Father's Day. She's ok. Yes, she's pregnant. They are talking marriage. No real plans have been made, but when this does come up I don't know that I will be able to go. My brother and I aren't close so it's not him or the fact that she is pregnant why I don't want to attend. It's my parents. See, K and I got married on a beach in Maui back in 1999. My parents did make plans to attend but at the last minute they cancelled. Mom made some bad excuse about having to take care of my niece, but I know she just didn't want to watch me marry a girl. So, I can't watch them attend my brothers wedding. Not that I don't want them to go. I do. I think they should see at least 1 of their kids get married and I don't want them to think they can't be happy. I just don't want to see it.
Sorry if this is all sounding so "poor me". I actually hate that when I hear it from others. I hate to think that I'm "damaged". But in some way I believe I am damaged at the moment. But healing. I know I'm healing. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Now more then ever.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Universe is F&@$ing With Me!
Let me give you some history.
My brother is 42. He has 2 kids already by 2 different women. The first one, a girl who is now 17, he barely took care of. Was never on time with child support, ditched her on holidays to get high and was never a father. The second one, a boy around 12 years old, he has never seen this child. The mother didn't even put him on the birth certificate. I was the only person in his life until about 5 years ago when the mother cut me off too.
Now his new girlfriend, who he's only known since January, is pregnant.
Why is it an idiot like him can produce 3 children that he has no concept of how to take care of and I get none after all the money, time and medical intervention??? I don't even know that I'm really all that jealous. I feel sorry for this poor girl and the baby on the way. I just find it a bit ironic.
I'm looking forward to the day when I feel like the universe isn't out to get me. I must have been really bad in a former life....
Update about me....
- K and I have started a serious diet. It's time to get serious about taking care of ourselves.
- We have hired a landscaping guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house and K and I will be putting in a patio 4th of July weekend. After putting so much time and effort into the inside of the house I love that I'll have some "curb appeal" in the front now.
- I think I'm going to be able to fly to Chicago and surprise my Dad for Father's Day. Fingers crossed that all comes together.
- I'm still working all the time. Counting the days till I'll be able to quit. 1500 days to go. :)
Hope everything is well in blogland.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
It's me again...
Let's see... K and I are doing good. Now, we're doing good. I have to admit it was a little rough for a second. It's hard to got through everything we've been through and not come to a bump or two but we're ok. We always know we're going to be ok. That is the beauty of us and our relationship. We are so strong and we learn from our experiences good and bad to make our relationship stronger.
K accepted a full time position at the airport (where she's been working part time for the last 9 years) so she is technically not "unemployed" anymore. Not that she was ever really unemployed since she has only lost 1 of her 2 jobs. But she's happy.
We were in Chicago this past weekend visiting family. That was nice. We'll be in Florida (St. Petersberg) for a wedding this weekend. When we get back I'm hoping things slow down a bit and we won't be so busy.
Oh, I have some news.... My baby Bear is such a good boy. He is usually in a kennel when we're not home. I know this bothers me much more then it bothers him, but last night I gated him with Cubby to the kitchen/dining room and he was so good. Didn't chew anything. I'm testing the waters again today and he was left out. Of course these rooms are totally "puppy proofed" but I'm hoping he doesn't try to find something to get into and destroy.
That's about it. I hope everything is going well out there in blogland. I'm still reading and following all of your journey's out there so know even though it looks like I'm not around I'm still here.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I walked into a table today. I know. I know. How in the heck could someone walk into a table???? Well, I always find a way to do that dumb stuff. So not only will my shins be bruised, but I looked like a bit of an ass.
Saturday night we're meeting some friends out. Not a single one knows we were TTC so I don't have to answer a single question about it. Not a single one of them are TTC so I don't have to hear about it. I think it will be a wonderful, fun, getaway for the night.
I hope everyone is well.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I cleaned up the lists of blogs I follow and moved a ton over to the pregnant/family list. I think I even still have 1 to move. I can't believe how many have gotten pregnant. Even though I would never want anyone to be in my shoes and I am genuinely happy for all of you.... it hurts. I can't lie. K is so depressed. I hate seeing her like this. It's hard for me to be sad and morn this time for me because I need to be there for her.
I've started journaling in a new place. It's just for me to vent that nobody knows about. I wanted the new writing to be something for me to help me start a new. Capture the journey to a better life without children but all it's been so far is a place for me to complain about everything & say the things that I wouldn't say anywhere else.
I also had a death in the family this week. My Mother's Aunt. I wasn't close to her, but now I'll be missing work (both jobs) and having to attend a very sad service. Oh, and my parents will be coming in to town and staying with me. Because this Aunt happened to live here in Minnesota. Go figure.
Oh I turn 40 next month. I really hope things are a little better by then because I really hate birthdays and I'm really hating this one coming up and it would really suck to be in this BLAH place for that event.
Monday, March 22, 2010
It's another NO.
I wish you all the best and tons of luck on your journeys. I will keep this blog up a while so I can still find all of you and continue to cheer you on.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Have a Good Weekend!
I'm really hoping for good news. Talk to you all Monday morning.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
LONGEST TWW EVER!
Of course I'm so scared to see the results. I'm staying positive. Hoping and thinking only good thoughts.
We're trying to not look for signs or early symptoms. But it's hard to look for symptoms when she's been so sick the past few days. She always decreases her allergy medicine when we're trying even through she only takes the one that is pregnancy safe. So, this week her allergies have been in over drive and she is miserable.
That's about it in our world. I'll update next Monday.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have decided to not tell anyone about this try. I just called to day "an appointment". Didn't even say where I went. Even my best friend asked me today where we were in the process and I just couldn't say the words. So, anyone who reads this that knows me in real life please do not be mad but I just can't discuss it. I will update everything through the blog only and anyone who does not have access to the blog just won't know anything unless I decide to tell them a long time from now.
We were so excited to see a BFP after so long that we told friends and then we had to go back and tell them about the miscarriage. It was so hard. Something I don't want to have to do again. So, we'll get our BFP again (positive thinking) and then we'll wait at least 3 months to let everyone know.
So, I'll thank all of you in advance for being my outlet this cycle because I'm not giving any information to anyone else except my blog family.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
K has 3 perfect follies. Her ultrasounds have been perfect. We trigger tomorrow night and insem on Wednesday at 11am. We are heading straight for another and hopefully our last TWW. Of course this would be the last because we'll see a BFP at the end of it.
We are again very positive about this try. It is falling in to place so perfectly just like the last one. So scary but so exciting at the same time.
Thank you so much for all your support during this stressful time. I'm so thankful to have this outlet. This of us on Wednesday and I'll keep you posted.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The ride has begun again...
So, we've now started our last try. At least it's the last try for the moment. We're really hoping for another BFP. Everything has started off great. Her u/s looked great. Everything was quiet and no cysts. We're following the same plan almost exactly as the last one which got us the BFP.
We go back on Saturday for another u/s. It would be wonderful to see at least 3 follies.
That's about it here.
Monday, February 22, 2010
On the edge...
We have a consultation with the RE tomorrow. K really wanted the appointment. We have everything in place for our last try. We should be scheduling our Day 3 appointment this week, but she wants to talk to the RE about where to go from here. I just don't know if financially we can do anything going forward.
I want so bad to be excited about this try. Work is so stressful and then the stress, hurt, pain and financial burden of TTC is really getting to me. I feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
Today my Mom called. She is on vacation out in Arizona with some family. One of my cousins has 10 kids. Most of them adopted. According to my Mom "Arizona is throwing kids at her". I chatted with her over facebook not that long ago and she said that she hasn't paid a dime to adopt any of her kids.
It angers me. It angers me that she has 10 and I can't even get 1. It angers me that my Mom will call to talk to me but spend 20 minutes talking only about my cousin and all her kids and how wonderful she is.
I finally snapped today. I told her to stop talking about kids! That I already know how perfect Lisa is but I didn't want to hear it anymore. I told her I had my own life and to Fing bad that there isn't kids.
Now....I have more Mom guilt. It's a never ending battle. Of course she said she should have been more sensitive and all I thought was "duh!"
Monday, February 1, 2010
K gets her final beta tomorrow that will confirm that she isn't pregnant anymore. We'll wait for her next full cycle and start with our last try.
I'm so happy to be back at work.
I have alot of blogs to catch up on. I hope everything is going well out in blogland.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Some good news...
I'm going to put out into the universe that we'll see another BFP our next try and that one will be healthy.
More good news is now that we really know that K is ok we are really looking forward to our vacation. We feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us and we can go and just be together and relax.
My parents will arrive tomorrow to "baby-sit" the fur-babies. Losing our sitter could have turned into a huge problem for us. We did have an alternative of a professional sitter that would have cost us $250. So, my parents are not just giving us someone we trust to stay with the babies, but is also saving us a huge chunk of our vacation money.
I still want to make 2010 a great year. I am still trying so hard to see the positive things and the good things that are happening to us. I say I don't know how much more I can take, but I can obviously take anything because things just keep happening. So, for today there is only a focus on the good. I can't promise that will be case every post, but for today it is all about the good things.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The hits just keep coming
So, at this point we know nothing except we know something isn't right. A beta of 570 is too small to see anything on an ultrasound. We know it's too low to be a viable pregnancy and for the fact that it did go up means something weird is going on.
Back in October we had our vacation scheduled to Arizona. We had to cancel because I got hospitalized for the blood clot situation. I know we are both hoping that we won't have to cancel again. It would be the blow to our sanity that could just push us both over the edge. I mean you think positive, you do the right thing and the bad stuff still keeps coming. I mean how much more do we have to go through???? Let's recap...
- I go to the RE to start the TTC process and find out I have endometriosis - surgery
- During that surgery I find out I have a blocked tube - surgery
- I get a BFN and several half tries because guess what...my body doesn't want to cooperate
- K gets laid off and we lose a journeyman electrician's salary
- We switch to K and after BFN afer BFN they find a polyp - another surgery
- More BFNs
- We get Pregnant to be told....We're sorry but we have no hope for a viable pregnancy.
- Oh, and then today.....Something's wrong. We don't know what. Come back Monday.
- Between all of that there has been broken water main pipes, Father's either falling on the ice or ending up in the hospital, Brother's in jail, sick dog, and a few other things bad things that have cost us a small fortune.
That's just what I can remember off the top of my head. Now, I've never (or very rarely) been an angry blogger. I'm ok with angry bloggers because I think if you are going to vent your blog is the place to do it. But that just hasn't been me. Today I feel angry. Actually I'm sad, and worried more then anything. I just want K to be ok. I don't want her to have to go through this. I feel like I can't protect her. I feel like I failed her.
What we really need to happen is Monday when she goes in for more bloodwork & the ultrasound that the beta is really low or gone or if there is something in the tube they can get rid of it with medication and no surgery will be required. I'm putting this out into the universe. This is what I need this situation to be for K's health, her peace of mind and the long over due vacation that we so desperately need.
Monday, January 11, 2010
We got through the weekend....
The basement is the first thing that has to get finished so we can get the rest of the house ready for a baby's room. Yes, I said baby's room. K and I feel like the best thing to do is move forward with the plans for the house and preparing for getting pregnant again.
K goes in for bloodwork tomorrow and she'll talk to the RE's office about what the next step will be in this journey. I don't know if we'll get the green light to start again right away or if we'll be told to take off a month to rest.
We leave for Arizona in 9 days. That will be so nice. We'll spend a couple days in Scottsdale relaxing in a nice hotel with room service and then spend a week at K's Mom's house. It is probably the most relaxing place I have ever been. The house is up in the mountains with a wonderful view and it is just so peaceful. K's Mom is a great cook who insists on taking care of us. It is wonderful. Nothing to do except read a book, hike in the mountains and just relax.
Friday, January 8, 2010
This sounds so redundant today but thank you for all your kind words. Redundant because it wasn't that long ago I was thanking you all for kind words to our wonderful news. Now it's for all your support to our horrible news.
Of course we're both mad a the world, but trying like hell to not let it consume us.
She goes back to the doctor Tuesday for another bloodtest to confirm she miscarried. It was scheduled for Monday, but we changed it. She works Monday's. So, why disrupt her day and leave work for something she knows the answer to already.
We go on vacation soon. 2 weeks from now we'll be relaxing in Arizona. We really need it. It is still going to be very hard since she was going to tell her Mom she was pregnant on this trip.
It's all just so sad.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Our Worst Nightmare
My precious K is so devastated. It's not fair. But I guess you can say life isn't fair. We really only did have 2 tries left. Now we are down to one. We thought maybe just once something as wonderful as this was going to happen for us. We thought this was our time. Well, we weren't that lucky, but we still have eachother. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to have someone so wonderful who tried so hard to give me "The Ultimate Gift". And we knew love for our unborn child even if just for a few weeks.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The nurse was able to calm her down a little, but I think this is going to be the norm for her for a while.
That's about it for now. Good thoughts only for a healthy 9 months and healthy baby!!
We go today for another beta and I've already called the office to see if we can get some time with one of the nurses so we can talk to someone about what's happening.
We really need this beta number to be great and I'm hoping for a quick exam so K can see that everything is ok.
Send good thoughts that nothing is wrong and we are just over reacting because we don't know any better.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Since I started the blog a year ago we were looking back on the time line and realized that the blog hasn't really been about me. The majority of my journey happened months before I started writing. Shortly after I started this blog we realized that our dream of me carrying wasn't going to happen and turned our focus on K. She still let this blog be mine and from my point of view. So, she hadn't really spent any time reading what I wrote. She wanted me to be able to write from the heart and to not be worried about anything I wanted to say. So, last night while she read all the comments from everyone she was chocked up. It really meant alot to her. It just confirmed what she already knew and that is this is such a supportive community and believes it is a safe place to talk about everything and anything.
She also stuck around to catch up on alot of your blogs. She read a couple of them out loud and felt everything they were feeling. She laughed with all the funny stories and cried with all the sad ones.
We've decided to keep this blog going. She wants it to stay mine even though it's all about her. She says I've done a good job. Our TTC blog is taking the next step to the pregnancy blog and we hope for all the best for a healthy pregnancy!
Love you all!