Getting Better

I have the most amazing partner! She really has put my mind at ease and has made me feel so much better about everything. We're both in a much more positive place. We've made an appointment for her to get checked out by the RE on March 25th. We joined Weight Watchers yesterday to start living a healthier life and to get our stress eating under control. We're reading more and trying so hard not to worry about what we can't control.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to get caught up on everyone's blogs in the next day or two.

Everything is so quiet...

I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I jumped into TTC with both feet. Had 2 major "procedures" & spent so much money for everything to just come to a complete stop. I got the bill for opening my tubes and that was $8,800. I called the hospital today to make payment arrangements since insurance doesn't pay anything related to fertility, but the guy wouldn't make payment arrangements. He insisted that the bill be sent for review to see if the coding was correct. I know it was and I know insurance won't pay, but I let him do it anyway.

I'm back to working my second job 3 days a week. You'd think that would help keep my mind off of the fact that so much stuff in my world is just going so wrong, but it isn't. I feel like I'm being a complete "Debbie Downer". Have you seen that skit on Saturday Night Live?? I'm trying hard not to complain. I need to find a productive focus.

My newest non-productive focus...Mafia Wars on facebook. I'm addicted. It's such a stupid game but it's so mindless and all you need is time, which I have. Facebook also is outing me to a few of my old high school friends who have found me out there and they are requesting my friendship and as soon as I confirm the friendship they will see pictures of K & I. Or they ask "What have you been up to the last 20 years?" So, I'm now out to people I haven't talked to in a long time. I guess I could just ignore their little friend request and not give them access but a few of them say stuff like they've been looking for me for years, & how happy they are they found me & how they could cry, etc. Seeing how some of them react to this will really tell me what kind of person they've become.

Mom called me the other day and I can tell she so desperately wants to find something to talk to me about. She tried to talk to me about "the baby's God Parents". I told her that K & I aren't talking about a baby that I'm not even pregnant with anymore and that since I'm having so many difficulties I don't want to talk about it at all. She felt bad and maybe I was hard on her, but she just doesn't think before she speaks.

K was out of town again this past weekend. I'm sure that contributed to my depression this weekend. She comes home today and I really hope that helps my mood.

I have alot of catching up to do with all of you. I hope everything is going better for all of you.

Straight People Say The Stupidest Things....

I just saw a girl a few minutes ago here at work that I haven't talked to in a while and she asked me how "The Baby Thing" was going. I told her that it wasn't going very well. That every time I turn around I seem to have more fertility issues. I told her that in 6 short months I've had 2 major procedures and have acquired over $20,000 in debt. I said right this second we're taking a break.

She jumped straight to "Haven't you two thought about adoption?" Typical straight person response. Typical response from someone who didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I said that we haven't thought about it because until now we didn't think we would have to think about it, but maybe we will discuss it after we have thought everything through.

Then she said out of the blue...."It's not like you two can try on your own" as she's pointing to her self as if to say our problem is we're missing a penis. I couldn't stop myself, but I said STRAIGHT PEOPLE SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT! I said that our problem isn't the lack of a penis it's fertility issues and what she said was rude.

I felt the tears welling up. I felt an anger that I don't know that I've felt in a very long time. I was in shock.

Of course she tried to apologize. She said she considers me "a good friend". Bullshit! Good friend my ass.

Thank you...

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and support. We really feel like we've been hit really hard this year and it's only February. I'm just need to do anything we can to turn things around. Feel like we are in some sort of control again. Well, as much control as one can have when TTC is concerned.

I'm still on the birth control and I'll be making an appointment with the RE soon to get K checked out. In the mean time we're looking at a couple different weight loss plans to help in that area and when K gets back from Chicago next week I think we might get on some kind of structured plan to help get on track.

Other then that things are slow. I'm working alot and just hoping and praying everyday that K gets called back to work sooner then later.

The Plan...

K and I finally talked a little bit. We haven't had the opportunity to discuss the situation since I told her about the cyst and endometriosis being back Monday morning. We talked over the phone, which wasn't ideal but if we didn't say something about what was going on after 2 days I think we would both lose our minds.

We've decided to prepare and explore 2 different options. First we're going to make her an appointment to get checked out by our RE. We just want to know if switching to her is an option. At the same time we're going to take the next few months and prepare for IVF for me. The RE wants me to get my body ready by taking a drug for a few months that would take away the endometriosis. And I need to drop a few pounds. I'm not over the weight limit for IVF, but with the recent weight gain I've had I don't want to start this process feeling like I'm out of shape and not healthy enough for IVF. I need to know that I've done everything I can to help it be successful.

We also need to see if she'll get called back to work the next few months as well as see how we're going to handle the very aggressive payoff plan that we've put together.

We both feel like we could cry at the drop of a hat these days and we feel very defeated, but we're not ready to give up. Maybe in the end we'll be going the adoption route. Either will be ok. It's just time to expand our family. We're just going to slow down a bit because we've hit some bumps and I just need to slow down the bumps. Those bumps have already cost us over $16,000. When I add to that I want to do it knowing more. I feel like the decisions we've made that got us to that $16,000 was because we were new to this. Because we didn't know any better. Because I thought I could fix my infertility issues and have IUI as an option. Maybe IUI could still be an option, but IVF will by pass all my infertility problems and give us a better shot.

So, my journey is officially on hold. My blog will hopefully be letting everyone know how much debt we're paying off to make this process financially easier. I'll be letting everyone know how much weight I'm losing, but even better how much healthier and stronger I'll be getting. I'll be letting everyone know about K's appointment(s) and my appointment(s) with the RE and what our options are and what direction we decide to go. I hope you all hang in there with me and I'll be hanging in there with all of you. Even though I'll be extremely jealous at your success my happiness for you will eventually over ride that jealousy. Promise.

So, here's to the next step....