2013 will be a GREAT year!!

2012 was a better year.  It took a lot of work to bounce back from all the bad that had happened and all the hurt that we went through but things are better.

2013 is going to a great year.  I can feel it.  I don't work two jobs anymore.  We live a much healthier life and workout with a trainer which will continue through 2013.  We are going to put everything we have into IVF.  If it works great.  If it doesn't I have made peace with that and I will move on.  We have decided that is it now or never. 

We are going to an informational meeting at the Fertility Doctor January 10th.  With that we'll get everything started.

I'm getting my body ready for the process.  I'm down 22 pounds as of this morning.  I am going to increase my workouts with my trainer soon and I guess all I can do is get myself as healthy as possible and let mother nature and a good doctor do the rest. 

I hope everyone out there has a safe New Years Eve and a great New Year!

Step One....Surgery....Done

I had surgery last Tuesday for my endometrosis.  I've known for 3-4 years that its been back so I knew I'd had to have it taken care to move forward with IVF.

It went well, but to my surprise it was much more serious then I thought it would be.  It was much more serious then my surgeon thought it would be.  There was ALOT of it.  I guess my right ovary was also a mess.  It was basically scar tissue and covered in endometrosis.  Which means that was removed as well as my tubes.  I felt gutted like a fish.  I felt so much worse this time then I did the last time. 

But the good thing is....It's done.  I just have to heal and in the meantime we'll start getting things in place for IVF. 

My surgeon said I'm back to normal and should have no problem getting pregnant. 

2013 is going to be an exciting year.

The Next Phase....IVF

The meeting with the baby doctor went really well and we have decided to move forward.  So far everything is falling into place like it's meant to be.  We are meant to try again.  We are having to make decisions pretty quickly.  Like, putting me on her insurance because her plan has a little bit of fertility coverage where I have none.  Will we use her eggs or donor eggs?  Go for one last try or pay more for multiple tries?  There is still so much to work out and so many tests that need to be run, but we both feel better about things this time.  Our eyes are more open this time and we know and are not under the delusion that a baby is guaranteed.  We just plan on being as aggressive as we can be...make the best decisions we can make and hope for the best.  Of course money will factor into these decisions.  But we plan on being as aggressive financially as we can be as well.  At the end of it all we can walk away no matter what the outcome knowing we did everything we could with no regrets.  The best thing is we are prepared for the outcome no matter what it is. 

Life is going to be a roller coaster again for the next 6 months to a year but we're ready for the ride.

A meeting with the doctor

We stopped our last cycle of trying April 2010.  After both of us trying, each of us having surgery, many failed attempts and a miscarriage we just couldn't do it anymore.  After stopping in April my life started falling apart.  I actually think I was going crazy with grief.  Well, grief that I wasn't dealing with.  My entire life almost completely crumbled.  But by some miracle it didn't.  Kathy and I managed to stay together.  We managed to actually grow more together despite all the terrible things that happened.  I went to counseling for 9 months to help me process it all and even though I don't know that I will ever be the same I'm happy to say I'm much better. 

About a year ago Kathy came to me and said she wanted to try again.  One last bang.  We've spent this year figuring it all out and making sure we were really strong enough to handle whatever happens and now the time as come.  We have an appt in 3 weeks with our baby doctor to discuss our vision, have all the tests redone and start making a plan. 

The doctor could tell us no for many reasons but if we don't try this one last time we will always wonder.  I don't want to wonder.  I want to walk away no matter the outcome at peace. 

I'm not dead yet....

I decided to check in today on all of the blogs that I haven't looked at for a while. I had to separate myself for a while. Not that I still wasn't wishing the best for all of you but things have been rough to say the least. I call the last few years "My Vietnam". I actually feel like I have PTSD. That sounds so dramatic and anyone who really knows me (IRL) knows that I am far from dramatic. I believe what happened to me over the last few years with dealing with my infertility, to all the negative attempts with K. And the miscarriage. And lets not forget the job loss, and all the money that went out for a dream that never saw the light of day. I didn't realize it at the time but I was angry. Angry at the world. Blindly angry. I joked about the situation. I joked about all the money and no baby. But inside it tore me apart. To the point where I wasn't me anymore. To the point where I was losing my life and everyone dear to me.

I get asked all the time what's going on with "the baby stuff". And the answer to that is nothing. We are still digging ourselves out of the hole the first round of attempts put us in. We talk from time to time about possibly trying again but there is nothing set. I also then get asked "why don't you adopt?" And while I hold myself back from strangling that person I tell them it costs just as much to adopt that is cost us to try and just as hard and just as emotional so there are no plans in the works for that at the moment either. We finally have our heads above water to where I can maybe quit my second job after working 2 jobs for the majority of the last 20 years. I don't want to work 2 jobs anymore. K's finally happy at work again and not working 2 jobs. Even though the amount of OT she works is alot from time to time but at least it is more money and with her real job.

So, my life came crashing down around me and I've been working so hard to pull it all together again. So, thank you to those of you who have sent me messages asking how I am. I just haven't been strong enough to check in until now. Haven't been strong enough to put it all into words. And even though this small post is bringing tears to my eyes now I at least don't feel like it's killing me. I'm trying to get past all of this. I actually went to a little baby shower for a girl at work not that long ago. Now that was progress. It helped that I went in on a gift with a couple other people so I didn't have to shop or wrap. I just showed up. But it's more then I've done in a very long time. I think it's good.

I really hope those of you still out there and even look at this blog are doing well. That you are happy and healthy. I doubt I'll be posting again anytime soon so I think this is also good bye for now.