On the edge...

Haven't posted in a while because there hasn't been any news.

We have a consultation with the RE tomorrow. K really wanted the appointment. We have everything in place for our last try. We should be scheduling our Day 3 appointment this week, but she wants to talk to the RE about where to go from here. I just don't know if financially we can do anything going forward.

I want so bad to be excited about this try. Work is so stressful and then the stress, hurt, pain and financial burden of TTC is really getting to me. I feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Today my Mom called. She is on vacation out in Arizona with some family. One of my cousins has 10 kids. Most of them adopted. According to my Mom "Arizona is throwing kids at her". I chatted with her over facebook not that long ago and she said that she hasn't paid a dime to adopt any of her kids.

It angers me. It angers me that she has 10 and I can't even get 1. It angers me that my Mom will call to talk to me but spend 20 minutes talking only about my cousin and all her kids and how wonderful she is.

I finally snapped today. I told her to stop talking about kids! That I already know how perfect Lisa is but I didn't want to hear it anymore. I told her I had my own life and to Fing bad that there isn't kids.

Now....I have more Mom guilt. It's a never ending battle. Of course she said she should have been more sensitive and all I thought was "duh!"

We're back!

Vacation was great. It was so relaxing. I don't know the last time we had 10 days of absolutely nothing to do. I read 2 novels, watched a bunch of movies, ate great food, and went for a few long walks.

K gets her final beta tomorrow that will confirm that she isn't pregnant anymore. We'll wait for her next full cycle and start with our last try.

I'm so happy to be back at work.

I have alot of blogs to catch up on. I hope everything is going well out in blogland.

Some good news...

We did get a bit of good news today from the doctor. K's beta has dropped to 20 from 573. I know this shouldn't be good news. In reality it isn't because it just tells us again that we miscarried and we aren't really pregnant. But the good news is she doesn't seem to be in any immediate medical danger. The doctor was concerned that maybe the elevated beta was a sign on a tubal pregnancy, but with it down to 20 in 7 days tells us this is almost over. We can also start our next (possibly our last) try at K next cycle. I have no idea what the future has to offer, but as of this post we only have the means for 1 more try.

I'm going to put out into the universe that we'll see another BFP our next try and that one will be healthy.

More good news is now that we really know that K is ok we are really looking forward to our vacation. We feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us and we can go and just be together and relax.

My parents will arrive tomorrow to "baby-sit" the fur-babies. Losing our sitter could have turned into a huge problem for us. We did have an alternative of a professional sitter that would have cost us $250. So, my parents are not just giving us someone we trust to stay with the babies, but is also saving us a huge chunk of our vacation money.

I still want to make 2010 a great year. I am still trying so hard to see the positive things and the good things that are happening to us. I say I don't know how much more I can take, but I can obviously take anything because things just keep happening. So, for today there is only a focus on the good. I can't promise that will be case every post, but for today it is all about the good things.

The hits just keep coming

K went in for bloodwork again today. It was my understanding that this bloodwork was to just verify that the beta went down to zero. Her beta on January 6th went down to 135. Today it was 570. They are worried that it may be a tubal pregnancy. That would be so bad. K is MAD AT THE WORLD! I don't know how to help her.

So, at this point we know nothing except we know something isn't right. A beta of 570 is too small to see anything on an ultrasound. We know it's too low to be a viable pregnancy and for the fact that it did go up means something weird is going on.

Back in October we had our vacation scheduled to Arizona. We had to cancel because I got hospitalized for the blood clot situation. I know we are both hoping that we won't have to cancel again. It would be the blow to our sanity that could just push us both over the edge. I mean you think positive, you do the right thing and the bad stuff still keeps coming. I mean how much more do we have to go through???? Let's recap...

• I go to the RE to start the TTC process and find out I have endometriosis - surgery
• During that surgery I find out I have a blocked tube - surgery
• I get a BFN and several half tries because guess what...my body doesn't want to cooperate
• K gets laid off and we lose a journeyman electrician's salary
• We switch to K and after BFN afer BFN they find a polyp - another surgery
• More BFNs
• We get Pregnant to be told....We're sorry but we have no hope for a viable pregnancy.
• Oh, and then today.....Something's wrong. We don't know what. Come back Monday.
• Between all of that there has been broken water main pipes, Father's either falling on the ice or ending up in the hospital, Brother's in jail, sick dog, and a few other things bad things that have cost us a small fortune.

That's just what I can remember off the top of my head. Now, I've never (or very rarely) been an angry blogger. I'm ok with angry bloggers because I think if you are going to vent your blog is the place to do it. But that just hasn't been me. Today I feel angry. Actually I'm sad, and worried more then anything. I just want K to be ok. I don't want her to have to go through this. I feel like I can't protect her. I feel like I failed her.

What we really need to happen is Monday when she goes in for more bloodwork & the ultrasound that the beta is really low or gone or if there is something in the tube they can get rid of it with medication and no surgery will be required. I'm putting this out into the universe. This is what I need this situation to be for K's health, her peace of mind and the long over due vacation that we so desperately need.

We got through the weekend....

We both worked Saturday and yesterday we were very productive. K is working on the basement putting in can lights and running more electrical down there. Our basement isn't technically a finished basement but when we're done it will look so good you will think it is. :)

The basement is the first thing that has to get finished so we can get the rest of the house ready for a baby's room. Yes, I said baby's room. K and I feel like the best thing to do is move forward with the plans for the house and preparing for getting pregnant again.

K goes in for bloodwork tomorrow and she'll talk to the RE's office about what the next step will be in this journey. I don't know if we'll get the green light to start again right away or if we'll be told to take off a month to rest.

We leave for Arizona in 9 days. That will be so nice. We'll spend a couple days in Scottsdale relaxing in a nice hotel with room service and then spend a week at K's Mom's house. It is probably the most relaxing place I have ever been. The house is up in the mountains with a wonderful view and it is just so peaceful. K's Mom is a great cook who insists on taking care of us. It is wonderful. Nothing to do except read a book, hike in the mountains and just relax.