I'm not dead yet....

I decided to check in today on all of the blogs that I haven't looked at for a while. I had to separate myself for a while. Not that I still wasn't wishing the best for all of you but things have been rough to say the least. I call the last few years "My Vietnam". I actually feel like I have PTSD. That sounds so dramatic and anyone who really knows me (IRL) knows that I am far from dramatic. I believe what happened to me over the last few years with dealing with my infertility, to all the negative attempts with K. And the miscarriage. And lets not forget the job loss, and all the money that went out for a dream that never saw the light of day. I didn't realize it at the time but I was angry. Angry at the world. Blindly angry. I joked about the situation. I joked about all the money and no baby. But inside it tore me apart. To the point where I wasn't me anymore. To the point where I was losing my life and everyone dear to me.

I get asked all the time what's going on with "the baby stuff". And the answer to that is nothing. We are still digging ourselves out of the hole the first round of attempts put us in. We talk from time to time about possibly trying again but there is nothing set. I also then get asked "why don't you adopt?" And while I hold myself back from strangling that person I tell them it costs just as much to adopt that is cost us to try and just as hard and just as emotional so there are no plans in the works for that at the moment either. We finally have our heads above water to where I can maybe quit my second job after working 2 jobs for the majority of the last 20 years. I don't want to work 2 jobs anymore. K's finally happy at work again and not working 2 jobs. Even though the amount of OT she works is alot from time to time but at least it is more money and with her real job.

So, my life came crashing down around me and I've been working so hard to pull it all together again. So, thank you to those of you who have sent me messages asking how I am. I just haven't been strong enough to check in until now. Haven't been strong enough to put it all into words. And even though this small post is bringing tears to my eyes now I at least don't feel like it's killing me. I'm trying to get past all of this. I actually went to a little baby shower for a girl at work not that long ago. Now that was progress. It helped that I went in on a gift with a couple other people so I didn't have to shop or wrap. I just showed up. But it's more then I've done in a very long time. I think it's good.

I really hope those of you still out there and even look at this blog are doing well. That you are happy and healthy. I doubt I'll be posting again anytime soon so I think this is also good bye for now.

Happy New Year

Hello everyone! Just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy New Year to everyone.

Hope everyone had a safe New Year. Mine was as quiet as quiet could be. K worked a double (as usual) and I was home. I had to work this morning so there was no partying for me. But now I'm off to a friend's wedding reception. ALONE. Not happy about that. But K's working late again. Even if she did get home in time making her go would be cruel. She's so tired.

I guess I don't have to stay long if I'm not having a good time.

Otherwise I guess everything is ok. I didn't go home for the holidays this year. Spent them quietly at home. Pretty boring I know.

Don't know.

I don't know what to title this so forgive me.

I got a text from K the other day that another one of her cousins are pregnant. I couldn't let myself be happy for her. My only thought was asking K if she was ok. She has 6 cousins all around the same age. 2 have kids and now the third is pregnant. The only 3 left without kids are all boys. 1 gay and 2 not interested in kids at the moment, but I really don't doubt that they too will someday soon make the same announcement.

This Saturday was supposed to be our due date. It shocked me when I saw it still in my calendar. Then I looked back to December and saw the day we got the positive and then all the notes every day leading up to and including the miscarriage. So very sad. What a flood of emotions that brought out.

K and I haven't talked about it. I really hope her calendar still doesn't have the due date. I should sneak a peak at that just in case and delete it if it's still there.

Life goes on......

Beautiful Day

K's birthday was wonderful.

Wednesday evening we went to a baseball game with people K works with. Thursday morning we both got massages and then out to breakfast. We spent the rest of the day relaxing until a wonderful dinner at Benhiana. YUM!!

I do feel like we are getting back to normal. We finally feel like we are healing a little bit from the TTC process. Things feel alot better these days. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Sometimes it all comes rushing back...

I ran into a friend. I call her a friend. We know eachother through work about 4 years now and almost 2 years ago now she had twins. She got pregnant at try 3 and like I said had 2. No major drugs involved and only AI. Good for her. I wouldn't wish 8 unsuccessful tries, a miscarriage, thousands of dollars of injectable drugs on anyone. I just wouldn't. It wasn't fun. Whether it was my body or K's. It wasn't fun being on either end of that.

So, I run into her and the entire conversation (a good 45 minutes of conversation) was about her kids, her nanny leaving, daycare problems, how much they are talking, etc.

OMG!!! I wanted to punch her!! The only time she did ask how I was I think I said 2 sentences before she changed the subject back to her and her kids. And then she brought up adoption which I could have maybe expanded on that subject, but she didn't give me the chance. Also, which really made me want to punch her was when she actually tried to say she understood how I felt in my situation because she has alot of people "around" her who have had trouble getting pregnant. I just couldn't believe how insensitive she was. She has no idea. She has 2 beautiful kids to go home to everyday. I don't. I call it the 3-B's. BROKE, BITTER AND BABYLESS. That is what I am. I'm trying like hell not to be bitter. I am not that kind of person to ever be bitter to anyone else. I don't live my life that way. I don't mind that she is happy. I don't mind hearing about her kids, but when someone stops caring about you because they have no focus other then themselves that is when I have to distance myself.

Well, that is my vent session of the day and I now I need to take a few deep breaths and forget that even happened. I'm sure it will be months before we see eachother again.

Have a good weekend everyone.