Good News for now....

I've got some good news and I've got some good news.

First good news, I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Yeah for me!

Now for the more important good news...

K's appointment with the RE went really well yesterday. We're happy, but cautious to not get to excited because the tests aren't done yet.

Here's the scoop... K's ultrasound looked really good. He was a little concerned with her lining. It was thick. It could be she just has a thick lining on CD15 or a thick lining can be hiding a problem. A polyp to be exact. So, the plan is this....

She'll go in for her Day 3 ultrasound and labs. On day 3 the lining is also much thinner so that will show if that was just normal for her or if there is something like a polyp. If that ultrasound looks good she starts on a monitor cycle with clomid. Regardless of whether the ultrasound looks good or not she'll also be getting a HSG done sometime between cd 4 & cd10 as well. We want to make sure there are no other problems.

That's about it. Now we wait for day 3 and hope everything goes well with the HSG and labs.

We went out last night for dinner & drinks to celebrate everything. There was a little bit of tears I admit. Of course they were my tears. It was really hard that for 13 years every conversation, every dream of building our family I would be carrying. We picked the donor based on her, if we had a girl it would have been named after her, etc. So, when she looked at me and asked if we were going to switch donors it was like a punch in my gut. It was like "oh, you're right...our donor looks like you. Not me". Then she asked about the girl baby name. Again it hit me... "oh, you're right...if we had a girl it would be named after you. Not me". It was such a realization that we have spent the last 13 years planning this event to make sure it included both us. That we both felt like it was our baby not just my baby. Now, we have a couple weeks to re plan. To change this way of thinking and to turn the tables to make sure I actually feel like I'm included. To help me feel like it's also my baby not just her baby. I realized last night that I also needed to hear all the reassurances from her that I had been saying to her for all these years. At first she looked at me almost like I was being silly to think that anything would be any different and of course I'm the Mommy, etc. But she quickly understood where I was coming from when I explained that even though logically I know that everything would be fine I still needed to hear it. That I'm not going to have all the years of time to get that reassurance and time to adjust like she did.

But of course this isn't all about me...She only gets a couple weeks to come to the realization that her world is also going to change in a way that she never thought it would. She is going to now be the one with nurses & doctors all up in her "goodies" when she's really a very private person and not comfortable with strangers being there. She has to change her thinking from the caregiver to the one who is going need to be taken care of.

But in the end we're both very happy and feeling really good about this. We feel like every thing's falling into place better then we had hoped. We're both looking forward to our new roles and will take care of each other through this.

If we get through this next round of tests (labs & HSG) without anything bad we're going to be good to go and we'll be back on the TTC train.

Non-bio Mom

Well, we see the RE on Wednesday to discuss K possibly carrying. Turns out K actually has a little bit of insurance coverage for monitored IUI's. Well, we were told that lab work and ultra sounds are covered. That is alot of the cost. Also, since she's not working full time at the moment doctor appointments aren't a problem. In the beginning especially if not through the entire process we'll still be scheduling appointments around my schedule because she doesn't want to go through this process without me. I don't think anyone is really comfortable with how exposed you feel with strangers all up in your private area but she's more private then most and really not comfortable with it. She'll need me to focus on until she realizes that it's not so bad. Personally I can't believe she's even ok with carrying. Never thought that would happen. Now I'm trying to accept the fact that I would be the non-bio Mom. I never thought that would happen. We've had all the talks to make her feel comfortable with being the non-bio Mom. I've given her the security of knowing that me having the baby didn't make her any less the Mom and how I would never let anyone in my family ever look at her as anything less then the Mom. Now I feel like I need those talks. I always had the security of knowing that if I was the bio-mom her family couldn't push me aside as someone not important. They don't always view wives, husbands or especially significant others as real family. Now, I have to worry about them really thinking of me as the baby's mommy. But K has stood up to them before. I just have to trust that she will make sure that they don't do that.

We've given my body a chance. Unfortunately because of cysts, blocked tubes and endometriosis it was short lived and cost us over $21,000 but it was a chance. It is time for me to let go and give K a chance.

Keep your fingers crossed we don't find something wrong with her too. I'll update later in the week.

Getting Better

I have the most amazing partner! She really has put my mind at ease and has made me feel so much better about everything. We're both in a much more positive place. We've made an appointment for her to get checked out by the RE on March 25th. We joined Weight Watchers yesterday to start living a healthier life and to get our stress eating under control. We're reading more and trying so hard not to worry about what we can't control.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to get caught up on everyone's blogs in the next day or two.

Everything is so quiet...

I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I jumped into TTC with both feet. Had 2 major "procedures" & spent so much money for everything to just come to a complete stop. I got the bill for opening my tubes and that was $8,800. I called the hospital today to make payment arrangements since insurance doesn't pay anything related to fertility, but the guy wouldn't make payment arrangements. He insisted that the bill be sent for review to see if the coding was correct. I know it was and I know insurance won't pay, but I let him do it anyway.

I'm back to working my second job 3 days a week. You'd think that would help keep my mind off of the fact that so much stuff in my world is just going so wrong, but it isn't. I feel like I'm being a complete "Debbie Downer". Have you seen that skit on Saturday Night Live?? I'm trying hard not to complain. I need to find a productive focus.

My newest non-productive focus...Mafia Wars on facebook. I'm addicted. It's such a stupid game but it's so mindless and all you need is time, which I have. Facebook also is outing me to a few of my old high school friends who have found me out there and they are requesting my friendship and as soon as I confirm the friendship they will see pictures of K & I. Or they ask "What have you been up to the last 20 years?" So, I'm now out to people I haven't talked to in a long time. I guess I could just ignore their little friend request and not give them access but a few of them say stuff like they've been looking for me for years, & how happy they are they found me & how they could cry, etc. Seeing how some of them react to this will really tell me what kind of person they've become.

Mom called me the other day and I can tell she so desperately wants to find something to talk to me about. She tried to talk to me about "the baby's God Parents". I told her that K & I aren't talking about a baby that I'm not even pregnant with anymore and that since I'm having so many difficulties I don't want to talk about it at all. She felt bad and maybe I was hard on her, but she just doesn't think before she speaks.

K was out of town again this past weekend. I'm sure that contributed to my depression this weekend. She comes home today and I really hope that helps my mood.

I have alot of catching up to do with all of you. I hope everything is going better for all of you.