Some good news...

We did get a bit of good news today from the doctor. K's beta has dropped to 20 from 573. I know this shouldn't be good news. In reality it isn't because it just tells us again that we miscarried and we aren't really pregnant. But the good news is she doesn't seem to be in any immediate medical danger. The doctor was concerned that maybe the elevated beta was a sign on a tubal pregnancy, but with it down to 20 in 7 days tells us this is almost over. We can also start our next (possibly our last) try at K next cycle. I have no idea what the future has to offer, but as of this post we only have the means for 1 more try.

I'm going to put out into the universe that we'll see another BFP our next try and that one will be healthy.

More good news is now that we really know that K is ok we are really looking forward to our vacation. We feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us and we can go and just be together and relax.

My parents will arrive tomorrow to "baby-sit" the fur-babies. Losing our sitter could have turned into a huge problem for us. We did have an alternative of a professional sitter that would have cost us $250. So, my parents are not just giving us someone we trust to stay with the babies, but is also saving us a huge chunk of our vacation money.

I still want to make 2010 a great year. I am still trying so hard to see the positive things and the good things that are happening to us. I say I don't know how much more I can take, but I can obviously take anything because things just keep happening. So, for today there is only a focus on the good. I can't promise that will be case every post, but for today it is all about the good things.

The hits just keep coming

K went in for bloodwork again today. It was my understanding that this bloodwork was to just verify that the beta went down to zero. Her beta on January 6th went down to 135. Today it was 570. They are worried that it may be a tubal pregnancy. That would be so bad. K is MAD AT THE WORLD! I don't know how to help her.

So, at this point we know nothing except we know something isn't right. A beta of 570 is too small to see anything on an ultrasound. We know it's too low to be a viable pregnancy and for the fact that it did go up means something weird is going on.

Back in October we had our vacation scheduled to Arizona. We had to cancel because I got hospitalized for the blood clot situation. I know we are both hoping that we won't have to cancel again. It would be the blow to our sanity that could just push us both over the edge. I mean you think positive, you do the right thing and the bad stuff still keeps coming. I mean how much more do we have to go through???? Let's recap...

• I go to the RE to start the TTC process and find out I have endometriosis - surgery
• During that surgery I find out I have a blocked tube - surgery
• I get a BFN and several half tries because guess what...my body doesn't want to cooperate
• K gets laid off and we lose a journeyman electrician's salary
• We switch to K and after BFN afer BFN they find a polyp - another surgery
• More BFNs
• We get Pregnant to be told....We're sorry but we have no hope for a viable pregnancy.
• Oh, and then today.....Something's wrong. We don't know what. Come back Monday.
• Between all of that there has been broken water main pipes, Father's either falling on the ice or ending up in the hospital, Brother's in jail, sick dog, and a few other things bad things that have cost us a small fortune.

That's just what I can remember off the top of my head. Now, I've never (or very rarely) been an angry blogger. I'm ok with angry bloggers because I think if you are going to vent your blog is the place to do it. But that just hasn't been me. Today I feel angry. Actually I'm sad, and worried more then anything. I just want K to be ok. I don't want her to have to go through this. I feel like I can't protect her. I feel like I failed her.

What we really need to happen is Monday when she goes in for more bloodwork & the ultrasound that the beta is really low or gone or if there is something in the tube they can get rid of it with medication and no surgery will be required. I'm putting this out into the universe. This is what I need this situation to be for K's health, her peace of mind and the long over due vacation that we so desperately need.

We got through the weekend....

We both worked Saturday and yesterday we were very productive. K is working on the basement putting in can lights and running more electrical down there. Our basement isn't technically a finished basement but when we're done it will look so good you will think it is. :)

The basement is the first thing that has to get finished so we can get the rest of the house ready for a baby's room. Yes, I said baby's room. K and I feel like the best thing to do is move forward with the plans for the house and preparing for getting pregnant again.

K goes in for bloodwork tomorrow and she'll talk to the RE's office about what the next step will be in this journey. I don't know if we'll get the green light to start again right away or if we'll be told to take off a month to rest.

We leave for Arizona in 9 days. That will be so nice. We'll spend a couple days in Scottsdale relaxing in a nice hotel with room service and then spend a week at K's Mom's house. It is probably the most relaxing place I have ever been. The house is up in the mountains with a wonderful view and it is just so peaceful. K's Mom is a great cook who insists on taking care of us. It is wonderful. Nothing to do except read a book, hike in the mountains and just relax.

Another Day

Just thought I'd pop in and let you all know we're still here. We are surviving. Barely.

This sounds so redundant today but thank you for all your kind words. Redundant because it wasn't that long ago I was thanking you all for kind words to our wonderful news. Now it's for all your support to our horrible news.

Of course we're both mad a the world, but trying like hell to not let it consume us.

She goes back to the doctor Tuesday for another bloodtest to confirm she miscarried. It was scheduled for Monday, but we changed it. She works Monday's. So, why disrupt her day and leave work for something she knows the answer to already.

We go on vacation soon. 2 weeks from now we'll be relaxing in Arizona. We really need it. It is still going to be very hard since she was going to tell her Mom she was pregnant on this trip.

It's all just so sad.

Our Worst Nightmare

K's spotting got worse. She called me crying yesterday in total fear that she was losing the baby. She called the RE's office, again. They again, reassured her that 50% of all woman spot/bleed in during the first trimester. They calmed her down, but just for more reassurance they had her come in today for another Beta instead of waiting until Friday. Our last beta was 170 2 days ago. Today was only 135. They said they were sorry, but it looked like there was no hope for a viable pregnancy.

My precious K is so devastated. It's not fair. But I guess you can say life isn't fair. We really only did have 2 tries left. Now we are down to one. We thought maybe just once something as wonderful as this was going to happen for us. We thought this was our time. Well, we weren't that lucky, but we still have eachother. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to have someone so wonderful who tried so hard to give me "The Ultimate Gift". And we knew love for our unborn child even if just for a few weeks.

Beta #2

Beta #2 was 170 at 17 days past IUI. Her first Beta was 36 4 days ago so doubling every 2 days we were looking for at least 144 or better. They will be doing another beta on Friday. We need that one to be 680 or more. I hear about all these Beta numbers that are so much higher at this stage. Of course just about everyone I know are having multiples, but I just hope these aren't low.

The nurse was able to calm her down a little, but I think this is going to be the norm for her for a while.

That's about it for now. Good thoughts only for a healthy 9 months and healthy baby!!

Going Crazy

K is going crazy. She has had some light spotting almost daily since we found out she was pregnant. For the most part it's that brownish color that they say is normal and you shouldn't worry. Sometimes it's a little more pink but this morning I got a call that it was red. She is really stressing out. I tell her not to worry and it's normal but she just can't calm down.

We go today for another beta and I've already called the office to see if we can get some time with one of the nurses so we can talk to someone about what's happening.

We really need this beta number to be great and I'm hoping for a quick exam so K can see that everything is ok.

Send good thoughts that nothing is wrong and we are just over reacting because we don't know any better.

Thank You!

Good morning everyone. First I have to say thank you so much for all the well wishes. It means so much to me. More importantly it really meant so much to K.

Since I started the blog a year ago we were looking back on the time line and realized that the blog hasn't really been about me. The majority of my journey happened months before I started writing. Shortly after I started this blog we realized that our dream of me carrying wasn't going to happen and turned our focus on K. She still let this blog be mine and from my point of view. So, she hadn't really spent any time reading what I wrote. She wanted me to be able to write from the heart and to not be worried about anything I wanted to say. So, last night while she read all the comments from everyone she was chocked up. It really meant alot to her. It just confirmed what she already knew and that is this is such a supportive community and believes it is a safe place to talk about everything and anything.

She also stuck around to catch up on alot of your blogs. She read a couple of them out loud and felt everything they were feeling. She laughed with all the funny stories and cried with all the sad ones.

We've decided to keep this blog going. She wants it to stay mine even though it's all about her. She says I've done a good job. Our TTC blog is taking the next step to the pregnancy blog and we hope for all the best for a healthy pregnancy!

Love you all!