Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My Story

I wasn't going to write such an honest and detailed story but I feel I owe it to myself.  I owe it to my children.  I am a parent.  I am a parent forever.  It may have only been for 4 hours but I am now and will forever be a parent.  I believe people still look at me as not being a parent, but I will never agree with that.

August 27th I wasn't feeling well.  I was going through a lot of work stress but otherwise I never thought it was anything serious.  That same night around 10pm when I was going to bed I was very uncomfortable.  I felt a lot of pressure that I really thought it just was constipation.  I had run out of the constipation medicine a day or two before so I really really thought that was why I was uncomfortable. 

I had a terrible night.  All I kept thinking about was how I just had to get through the night, get to the store for some medicine (or prune juice) and get some relief.  Never once did the word labor ever come into my mind.  I wish it had.  I wish just once so I would have run to an ER.  So, I'll get this out of the way.....I feel like it is all my fault.  I know deep in my heart if I knew it was labor I was feeling I could have changed the result of what happened.  I will have this guilt forever.

I was up again at 4am August 28th and when I crawled back into bed my water broke.  Again, I'm going to show how naive I am....I had no clue my water broke.  My first thought was...I wet myself.  How stupid is that???  Take away my woman card right now because at this point I do not deserve it.

As soon as my water broke we rushed to United Hospital and I was wheeled up to Labor & Delivery.  AGAIN I was wondering "Why am I going there???  I'm not delivering!"  They gave me an ultrasound and both babies at that point were still alive with strong heartbeats.  So even at that point I didn't think I was in labor or that things wouldn't work out.

But then the contractions started.  I'm in my room getting pain medication to give me some relief from the pain and it hits me...I'm in labor (because at this point nobody has said the word labor to me or has told me what's going on)  I start to freak out saying someone has to come in and stop the contractions from happening.

After hours of laying there waiting for the whole story to find out what was happening to me we were finally told that Baby A's (Ty) water broke and Baby B (Noah) couldn't be saved.  We waited for our doctor to arrive before delivering.  Ty was already dead.  He died in my body waiting to be delivered.  Noah was born alive and lived 2 1/2 hours.  I heard his little voice when he was born.  He cried a little. It was a beautiful sound.  

With the premature labor I was in at home as well as the entire day at the hospital I was in labor a total of 17 hours.  I got an epidural and delivered two of the most beautiful boys I have ever seen in my life.  We had them with us, holding them, talking to them, and kissing them for 4 hours.  I'm so happy I met them and got to say goodbye.

Kathy was wonderful.  So strong and supportive.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have her.  This was my story which is still hard to really sort out.  She has a story.  She relives the entire thing over and over again.  I know this story is about me but I have not forgotten about her.  I never forget about her but I will not speak for her. 

I still don't know if I did my story justice but there it is. 

We have just started going to a grief counseling group.  We are going to walk in the 5K for infant loss.  And the hospital is having a memorial service that we will be attending for our boys.  I'm glad we have these things.

Thanks for listening everyone.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry and I wish there were words to make it better.