Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Relationships change after death....

When I got pregnant with twins relationships in my life started to change. A few friends with children came back into my life. I got along with my mother for the first time....EVER. I believe it was my sons that made it possible for me tolerate her. They made me a nicer person. A more forgiving person. I was a different person. They made me eat healthier and gave me an aversion to sugar. They made me funny and witty. And now they are gone.

I'm back to not liking anything about my mother. I'm once again seeing all her annoying traits and she is saying all the wrong things and there is nothing I can do about it but go back to avoiding her. The few friends with children that were back in my life have left again. I'm back to being intolerant of most people, crabby, and eating all the junk food I can get my hands on. I'm tying like hell to not become the bitter and hateful person I was for so many years. I find myself feeling sorry for myself. Boohoo my babies died, boohoo I don't have children, boohoo my parents didn't go to my wedding, boohoo nobody in my family acknowledged my wedding or attended the family party for that wedding 16 years ago, boohoo I'm poor because I've spent all my money on fertility treatments to just end up broke, bitter and babyless. BOOHOO!

The positive thing is my high school best friend who I had been growing apart from for years actually stepped up and showed she can still be the friend she used to be and listen to me tell her my story and my guilt and was just comforting. That put life back into that friendship. I've also been lucky enough to have an old friend come back into my life that has been so supportive and has helped me so much. She went through losing twin boys 5 years ago so she gives me a level of understanding that so many other people are unable to. Not that I would wish this on anyone but this is a very lonely place and she helps me feel not so alone. And then there is the girl I work with. I've only known her since April, I don't think we would ever hang out together outside of work but she has become a very important part of my day. I have cried to her, I tell her about what is making me sad or mad at that moment and she says nothing. She just listens. That is a gift.

Now, back to the bad.... I have a very small family. The list consists of Mom, Dad, Brother, Aunt, Uncle and Niece. That's the list of immediate family that is in my life anyway. I have a couple more aunts and some cousins that don't talk to me or my family (that's a whole other story). Then there is the extended family that I barely talk to because they are 2nd cousins or something like that. From my short list of family my parents have been supportive (which should be a given) I didn't hear from my brother until just this past Saturday which was 4 weeks and 2 days after losing my babies. I heard from my niece Sunday, 4 weeks and 3 days after losing my babies, and I heard from my Uncle Monday (yesterday), 4 weeks and 4 days after losing my babies. So, anyone who is blood relative to me waited over a month to contact me. No cards, no flowers, no calls.... My Uncle's wife made a comment on facebook with over a 100 other people which to me doesn't count. Facebook is for old high school friends, distant relatives, etc. Facebook is ok if it's a private message through facebook. That's ok. That's at least a place you can say something personal or meaningful if you must use facebook.

When my Uncle contacted me last night (via text) I told him last night wasn't good to talk. So, I get to have that conversation tonight. Last night I was two drinks in and I probably would have been mean or too emotional. My goal is to have a nice conversation without throwing it in his face that it took him over a month to call me.

I read a story on facebook about a woman who lost a son and she talked about how her address book changed. It was very true.

Now to end on a good note. I have Kathy. I love her. She is my life and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Even if I didn't have the few friends that I have I know I'd still be fine because I have her. She protects me and I protect her. I'm loved and that is all that matters.

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