Happy New Year

Hello everyone! Just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy New Year to everyone.

Hope everyone had a safe New Year. Mine was as quiet as quiet could be. K worked a double (as usual) and I was home. I had to work this morning so there was no partying for me. But now I'm off to a friend's wedding reception. ALONE. Not happy about that. But K's working late again. Even if she did get home in time making her go would be cruel. She's so tired.

I guess I don't have to stay long if I'm not having a good time.

Otherwise I guess everything is ok. I didn't go home for the holidays this year. Spent them quietly at home. Pretty boring I know.

Don't know.

I don't know what to title this so forgive me.

I got a text from K the other day that another one of her cousins are pregnant. I couldn't let myself be happy for her. My only thought was asking K if she was ok. She has 6 cousins all around the same age. 2 have kids and now the third is pregnant. The only 3 left without kids are all boys. 1 gay and 2 not interested in kids at the moment, but I really don't doubt that they too will someday soon make the same announcement.

This Saturday was supposed to be our due date. It shocked me when I saw it still in my calendar. Then I looked back to December and saw the day we got the positive and then all the notes every day leading up to and including the miscarriage. So very sad. What a flood of emotions that brought out.

K and I haven't talked about it. I really hope her calendar still doesn't have the due date. I should sneak a peak at that just in case and delete it if it's still there.

Life goes on......

Beautiful Day

K's birthday was wonderful.

Wednesday evening we went to a baseball game with people K works with. Thursday morning we both got massages and then out to breakfast. We spent the rest of the day relaxing until a wonderful dinner at Benhiana. YUM!!

I do feel like we are getting back to normal. We finally feel like we are healing a little bit from the TTC process. Things feel alot better these days. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Sometimes it all comes rushing back...

I ran into a friend. I call her a friend. We know eachother through work about 4 years now and almost 2 years ago now she had twins. She got pregnant at try 3 and like I said had 2. No major drugs involved and only AI. Good for her. I wouldn't wish 8 unsuccessful tries, a miscarriage, thousands of dollars of injectable drugs on anyone. I just wouldn't. It wasn't fun. Whether it was my body or K's. It wasn't fun being on either end of that.

So, I run into her and the entire conversation (a good 45 minutes of conversation) was about her kids, her nanny leaving, daycare problems, how much they are talking, etc.

OMG!!! I wanted to punch her!! The only time she did ask how I was I think I said 2 sentences before she changed the subject back to her and her kids. And then she brought up adoption which I could have maybe expanded on that subject, but she didn't give me the chance. Also, which really made me want to punch her was when she actually tried to say she understood how I felt in my situation because she has alot of people "around" her who have had trouble getting pregnant. I just couldn't believe how insensitive she was. She has no idea. She has 2 beautiful kids to go home to everyday. I don't. I call it the 3-B's. BROKE, BITTER AND BABYLESS. That is what I am. I'm trying like hell not to be bitter. I am not that kind of person to ever be bitter to anyone else. I don't live my life that way. I don't mind that she is happy. I don't mind hearing about her kids, but when someone stops caring about you because they have no focus other then themselves that is when I have to distance myself.

Well, that is my vent session of the day and I now I need to take a few deep breaths and forget that even happened. I'm sure it will be months before we see eachother again.

Have a good weekend everyone.

I'm still alive

Hi everyone. I'm still here. Working all the time, but I'm really enjoying just the weekend thing at job #2. I love going home every evening. I know I'll be working 7 days a week, I was already working 6 as well as at least 2 nights a week getting home at 11pm.

I'm still following all my dear friends in blogland. Especially those who are still trying. Sometimes I don't know what to say. I want so bad so say something comforting, but then I relive my own experience and all I can think is there isn't anything anyone can really say that helps. So, I still try and pray that everything will be ok.

Along the same lines my Mom told me yesterday that my brother's girlfriend lost the baby. Even though they are unmarried, unemployed, uninsured, and living with my parents and are crazy to bring a baby into that situation I still feel terrible for them. She is 41 and from what my Mom said this is her 3rd miscarriage. I know she wants a child, which is something I can totally relate to.

I've been thinking more and more about adoption lately. With job loss and all the medical debt we have to pay off from TTC as well as the blood clot I had a year ago I know it will be a while before we can really try again. So, with time against us because of age I'm thinking adoption is probably better. I told this to K. We weren't in the right place to have a huge discussion, but I let her know that I wasn't giving up the dream but maybe we need to look at other options because when we're ready age is going to be a huge factor. I don't know.

That is about it for now. All I can write anyway. Good luck everyone.