Catching Up...

It was nice catching up on some blogs today. I miss all of you so much. It is still hard to sometimes. I just can't relate to with anyone pregnant or who have had their baby. I want to. You all know I'm so happy for you. That part doesn't change. It's just so hard to read them. And if I am able to read them I don't know what to say. So, with that said, I'm just still healing.


I'm still working over 60 hours a week. I want so bad to start jogging, but haven't started yet. The little time I have off has been spent doing so many other things that need to get done, but it is still on the list and I am still planning on making it happen.


We hired a landscape guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house. I'm posting a picture for your viewing pleasure. I love it. As you can see it's a 2-tier landscape timber retaining wall. We'll be planting a bunch of stuff in those lower beds very soon. 4th of July weekend we'll be putting in a patio under the window on the left in the front of the house. We already purchased the little patio set that will go there when it's done.


I met my brother's new girlfriend this past weekend when I went to Chicago to visit my Dad for Father's Day. She's ok. Yes, she's pregnant. They are talking marriage. No real plans have been made, but when this does come up I don't know that I will be able to go. My brother and I aren't close so it's not him or the fact that she is pregnant why I don't want to attend. It's my parents. See, K and I got married on a beach in Maui back in 1999. My parents did make plans to attend but at the last minute they cancelled. Mom made some bad excuse about having to take care of my niece, but I know she just didn't want to watch me marry a girl. So, I can't watch them attend my brothers wedding. Not that I don't want them to go. I do. I think they should see at least 1 of their kids get married and I don't want them to think they can't be happy. I just don't want to see it.


Sorry if this is all sounding so "poor me". I actually hate that when I hear it from others. I hate to think that I'm "damaged". But in some way I believe I am damaged at the moment. But healing. I know I'm healing. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Now more then ever.

The Universe is F&@$ing With Me!

My brother's new girlfriend is pregnant. Can you believe it???

Let me give you some history.

My brother is 42. He has 2 kids already by 2 different women. The first one, a girl who is now 17, he barely took care of. Was never on time with child support, ditched her on holidays to get high and was never a father. The second one, a boy around 12 years old, he has never seen this child. The mother didn't even put him on the birth certificate. I was the only person in his life until about 5 years ago when the mother cut me off too.

Now his new girlfriend, who he's only known since January, is pregnant.

Why is it an idiot like him can produce 3 children that he has no concept of how to take care of and I get none after all the money, time and medical intervention??? I don't even know that I'm really all that jealous. I feel sorry for this poor girl and the baby on the way. I just find it a bit ironic.

I'm looking forward to the day when I feel like the universe isn't out to get me. I must have been really bad in a former life....

Update about me....

• K and I have started a serious diet. It's time to get serious about taking care of ourselves.
• We have hired a landscaping guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house and K and I will be putting in a patio 4th of July weekend. After putting so much time and effort into the inside of the house I love that I'll have some "curb appeal" in the front now.
• I think I'm going to be able to fly to Chicago and surprise my Dad for Father's Day. Fingers crossed that all comes together.
• I'm still working all the time. Counting the days till I'll be able to quit. 1500 days to go. :)

Hope everything is well in blogland.

It's me again...

Yes, I'm still here. I haven't blogged in a long time. Not even in the other blog I started. Not that anyone follows that one anyway. There isn't anyone sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for an update about my life. So, I figured I'd bother all of you :)

Let's see... K and I are doing good. Now, we're doing good. I have to admit it was a little rough for a second. It's hard to got through everything we've been through and not come to a bump or two but we're ok. We always know we're going to be ok. That is the beauty of us and our relationship. We are so strong and we learn from our experiences good and bad to make our relationship stronger.

K accepted a full time position at the airport (where she's been working part time for the last 9 years) so she is technically not "unemployed" anymore. Not that she was ever really unemployed since she has only lost 1 of her 2 jobs. But she's happy.

We were in Chicago this past weekend visiting family. That was nice. We'll be in Florida (St. Petersberg) for a wedding this weekend. When we get back I'm hoping things slow down a bit and we won't be so busy.

Oh, I have some news.... My baby Bear is such a good boy. He is usually in a kennel when we're not home. I know this bothers me much more then it bothers him, but last night I gated him with Cubby to the kitchen/dining room and he was so good. Didn't chew anything. I'm testing the waters again today and he was left out. Of course these rooms are totally "puppy proofed" but I'm hoping he doesn't try to find something to get into and destroy.

That's about it. I hope everything is going well out there in blogland. I'm still reading and following all of your journey's out there so know even though it looks like I'm not around I'm still here.

Checking in

Things have been a little better but it got worse before it got better for a minute. When K called her Grandma to say Happy Easter she found out her cousin's wife is pregnant with baby 2. She is just over 3 months. We would have been just a head of her if we didn't miscarry. That really hit her hard. The loss overwhelmed her again. She is really trying to be positive and live a happy life.

I walked into a table today. I know. I know. How in the heck could someone walk into a table???? Well, I always find a way to do that dumb stuff. So not only will my shins be bruised, but I looked like a bit of an ass.

Saturday night we're meeting some friends out. Not a single one knows we were TTC so I don't have to answer a single question about it. Not a single one of them are TTC so I don't have to hear about it. I think it will be a wonderful, fun, getaway for the night.

I hope everyone is well.

Blah...

Things have been pretty blah. That's the only word that comes to mind.

I cleaned up the lists of blogs I follow and moved a ton over to the pregnant/family list. I think I even still have 1 to move. I can't believe how many have gotten pregnant. Even though I would never want anyone to be in my shoes and I am genuinely happy for all of you.... it hurts. I can't lie. K is so depressed. I hate seeing her like this. It's hard for me to be sad and morn this time for me because I need to be there for her.

I've started journaling in a new place. It's just for me to vent that nobody knows about. I wanted the new writing to be something for me to help me start a new. Capture the journey to a better life without children but all it's been so far is a place for me to complain about everything & say the things that I wouldn't say anywhere else.

I also had a death in the family this week. My Mother's Aunt. I wasn't close to her, but now I'll be missing work (both jobs) and having to attend a very sad service. Oh, and my parents will be coming in to town and staying with me. Because this Aunt happened to live here in Minnesota. Go figure.

Oh I turn 40 next month. I really hope things are a little better by then because I really hate birthdays and I'm really hating this one coming up and it would really suck to be in this BLAH place for that event.