Update

I'm still here and I want my blog-family to know I'm sending all of you still trying all the babydust I have and thinking of all of you daily. This process is so hard and not matter how much you do to try and make it work in the end we have no control over the outcome.

K really likes the new job. She will be working so much but at least she is at a place where she sees a future. I know she really misses the people at the company she just left. After 9 years she made friendships that will last forever. Because K will be working so many hours and her shift will change every month I decided to work weekends only at Job #2. There are good and bad to this. I'll start with the bad. I will be working 7 days a week and there is a chance of my hours getting cut. The good is I will never have to work another double ever again. I will also only have to go to that place only 2 days a week instead of 3-4 day a week. I am really looking forward to going home every evening after work Monday-Friday. This is my last week of the old schedule. 2 more doubles left and then every evening will be mine. We'll see if I'm still happy a few months from now. :)

My parents arrive Thursday. They are coming in for a long weekend. I will still be working a bit. So, with both K and I working and my Mom has plans with her cousins my Dad will have the house to himself Friday evening. Knowing my Dad he will really enjoy the peace and quiet. He'll find a CSI marathon on TV and kick back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I feed the critters in my neighborhood. I have 3 bird feeders and a squirrel feeder up. I have another squirrel feeder that I recently purchased that I will have my Dad attach to the tree when he's in town. I love watching them all. I throw peanuts, corn and sunflower seeds all over the front yard daily. There are 4-5 squirrels in the yard at any given moment. I've even had ducks come to eat and of course the rabbits. They don't even run away anymore when we come out. They just know it's a safe place to be.

We also finished planting the flower beds in the front. I picked daylillies and haustas because they are low maintenance, hardy and will get bigger every year.

That's about it on this end. I hope all is well out there.

All good things.

K started her new job this week. Day 1 was a flight to Chicago for her badge and now day 2 seems to be going well. She already has OT, which we need so that is a good sign of things to come. I really hope she's going to be happy. She has been through so much.

Good news....There is an insurance option that does have Infertility Coverage. It is 50% of Meds up to $5,000 and 50% of Medical procedures up to $10,000. This is all very good. It does open a door to more tries down the road. Of course I'm still worried about money. Worried we won't have the money to try even with the insurance help since we feel like we're out of time age wise. But Like K says, we don't know what the future holds or where we will be in a year. After a very long conversation about all of this I've decided to just go with the flow. I have to stop worrying so much. I have to stop stressing myself out. I trust K more then anything and I know she will always take care of us.

I've decided to change my schedule at job number 2 to Saturday & Sunday only. K will be working nights and weekends which means I will need to be home with the boys at night. I'm going to ask them to schedule me each day 8 to 10 hour shifts so I don't lose hours. I think they will do it.

Otherwise, everything else is good. We purchased all the lillies and haustas to plant in the front of the house in those 2 huge flower beds and one side is done. We'll finish the other side tonight. The patio we are putting in is done down to the last 2 blocks that need to be cut a little to fit. My parents are coming out the first weekend in August and bringing me more haustas and lillies out of their yard that I'll plant in the other flower bed under the living room window. Finally, I will finally love the way the front of my house looks. Doing any of this was the last thing on our minds with everything else that has been going on.

That's the extent of things in my world these days. Pretty boring, but honestly boring is good right now. It at least means nothing bad is happening.

Ever Changing Life

Life is funny. As soon as I come to terms with my current situation things change again.

K has decided to accept a position with a new airline. As most of you know she is an Electrician by trade. We spent many "poor years" putting her through school and then getting her through her apprenticeship. Within a year after she got her Journeyman's license there was no work and she officially went "on the bench". Thankfully through all of this she worked for an airline and it kept an income coming in even when there was no work in construction. Since there is no work she has gone back to work full time with the airline. An opportunity came up at an airline she used to work for over 10 years ago in Chicago. It is a cut in pay at first, but in the long run it gives her so much more room for growth. Growth both financially and career. It's scary though. We've taken some big hits. We will definitely spend the next 4-5 years living without. Without all the little things that we have come to enjoy. We are going to have to cut corners.

I'm OK with everything. Surprisingly. I get a bit overwhelmed if I think about it all too much, but I just go back to thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for. I'm grateful we still have 3 jobs in our household. I'm grateful that I have K. I'm grateful she is such a hard worker and she would never let us suffer. I'm grateful for our two beautiful fur babies that give me a reason to get up on the mornings when I just don't feel like I can or want to. I'm grateful that even through job loss, tons of medical bills, debt from many failed TTC attempts, and all the other bills that have hit us we are still able to pay them. I'm grateful to have a wonderful home to go to everyday. I'm grateful that we've gotten all our big home improvement projects done so over the next 4-5 years when we can't afford anything extra I won't have to worry about the house. I'm grateful that at the end of the day I get to fall asleep in the arms of someone who loves me more then life itself.

I have no news regarding TTC. We are still on hold with that. There is that hope that the new company will have some sort of Fertility coverage in their insurance that would open that door for us again, but I'm not counting on it. I just know that I can't let go of TTC until K does. She needs me to be supportive about this even when it looks like it should be over. Even when we know that we don't have the money to move forward and we don't have time on our side. But if your life is anything like mine you know that anything can happen.

We purchased all the haustas and lillies that I want to plant in the flower beds in the front of the house. We should be planting on Sunday. I picked plants that are hardy and low maintenance. I don't want to replant every year and I think the combination will be beautiful. We have the patio almost done in the front of the house. We would have gotten it done on our 3-day weekend if we didn't get rained out Monday. It will look so good when it's all done.

I'm half way through the 4th book in the Twilight series. Yes I love the Twilight books. I haven't seen the new movie yet, but so far the movies just don't compare. When I'm done with this book I'll have to find something else to read. The local library is literally 2 blocks away. Since we are now really officially poor I've decided to finally check out the library so I don't have to buy the books anymore.

That's about it in my world. Good luck to all of you who are still TTC and I'll check again soon.

Catching Up...

It was nice catching up on some blogs today. I miss all of you so much. It is still hard to sometimes. I just can't relate to with anyone pregnant or who have had their baby. I want to. You all know I'm so happy for you. That part doesn't change. It's just so hard to read them. And if I am able to read them I don't know what to say. So, with that said, I'm just still healing.


I'm still working over 60 hours a week. I want so bad to start jogging, but haven't started yet. The little time I have off has been spent doing so many other things that need to get done, but it is still on the list and I am still planning on making it happen.


We hired a landscape guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house. I'm posting a picture for your viewing pleasure. I love it. As you can see it's a 2-tier landscape timber retaining wall. We'll be planting a bunch of stuff in those lower beds very soon. 4th of July weekend we'll be putting in a patio under the window on the left in the front of the house. We already purchased the little patio set that will go there when it's done.


I met my brother's new girlfriend this past weekend when I went to Chicago to visit my Dad for Father's Day. She's ok. Yes, she's pregnant. They are talking marriage. No real plans have been made, but when this does come up I don't know that I will be able to go. My brother and I aren't close so it's not him or the fact that she is pregnant why I don't want to attend. It's my parents. See, K and I got married on a beach in Maui back in 1999. My parents did make plans to attend but at the last minute they cancelled. Mom made some bad excuse about having to take care of my niece, but I know she just didn't want to watch me marry a girl. So, I can't watch them attend my brothers wedding. Not that I don't want them to go. I do. I think they should see at least 1 of their kids get married and I don't want them to think they can't be happy. I just don't want to see it.


Sorry if this is all sounding so "poor me". I actually hate that when I hear it from others. I hate to think that I'm "damaged". But in some way I believe I am damaged at the moment. But healing. I know I'm healing. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Now more then ever.

The Universe is F&@$ing With Me!

My brother's new girlfriend is pregnant. Can you believe it???

Let me give you some history.

My brother is 42. He has 2 kids already by 2 different women. The first one, a girl who is now 17, he barely took care of. Was never on time with child support, ditched her on holidays to get high and was never a father. The second one, a boy around 12 years old, he has never seen this child. The mother didn't even put him on the birth certificate. I was the only person in his life until about 5 years ago when the mother cut me off too.

Now his new girlfriend, who he's only known since January, is pregnant.

Why is it an idiot like him can produce 3 children that he has no concept of how to take care of and I get none after all the money, time and medical intervention??? I don't even know that I'm really all that jealous. I feel sorry for this poor girl and the baby on the way. I just find it a bit ironic.

I'm looking forward to the day when I feel like the universe isn't out to get me. I must have been really bad in a former life....

Update about me....

• K and I have started a serious diet. It's time to get serious about taking care of ourselves.
• We have hired a landscaping guy to put a retaining wall in the front of the house and K and I will be putting in a patio 4th of July weekend. After putting so much time and effort into the inside of the house I love that I'll have some "curb appeal" in the front now.
• I think I'm going to be able to fly to Chicago and surprise my Dad for Father's Day. Fingers crossed that all comes together.
• I'm still working all the time. Counting the days till I'll be able to quit. 1500 days to go. :)

Hope everything is well in blogland.