Monday, March 23, 2009

Non-bio Mom

Well, we see the RE on Wednesday to discuss K possibly carrying. Turns out K actually has a little bit of insurance coverage for monitored IUI's. Well, we were told that lab work and ultra sounds are covered. That is alot of the cost. Also, since she's not working full time at the moment doctor appointments aren't a problem. In the beginning especially if not through the entire process we'll still be scheduling appointments around my schedule because she doesn't want to go through this process without me. I don't think anyone is really comfortable with how exposed you feel with strangers all up in your private area but she's more private then most and really not comfortable with it. She'll need me to focus on until she realizes that it's not so bad. Personally I can't believe she's even ok with carrying. Never thought that would happen. Now I'm trying to accept the fact that I would be the non-bio Mom. I never thought that would happen. We've had all the talks to make her feel comfortable with being the non-bio Mom. I've given her the security of knowing that me having the baby didn't make her any less the Mom and how I would never let anyone in my family ever look at her as anything less then the Mom. Now I feel like I need those talks. I always had the security of knowing that if I was the bio-mom her family couldn't push me aside as someone not important. They don't always view wives, husbands or especially significant others as real family. Now, I have to worry about them really thinking of me as the baby's mommy. But K has stood up to them before. I just have to trust that she will make sure that they don't do that.

We've given my body a chance. Unfortunately because of cysts, blocked tubes and endometriosis it was short lived and cost us over $21,000 but it was a chance. It is time for me to let go and give K a chance.

Keep your fingers crossed we don't find something wrong with her too. I'll update later in the week.

15 comments:

  1. Wow, that is a huge transition. Not one I'm sure I could make, so I admire you. There are lots of other women in blog land who have switched uteri, so I'm sure they'll have good guidance for what it feels like to go from prospective bio mom to non-bio, and how to take care of yourself. xo

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  2. that is such a hard transition to make. even if it makes sense in your brain, there are so many emotions tied up with switching. my only advice is to allow yourself (and K) to experience whatever sadness/fear/etc comes up & be patient with one another. it was a really hard thing for us to go through.

    theres a good book called "confessions of the other mother: nonbiological lesbian moms tell all" that i read & found helpful. there are some pretty cheap used copies available on amazon.

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  3. Hi, I am sad for you to have to face this transition but I am selfishly glad to have someone else to nagivate this change with. After 3 failed IVF's with my eggs, I have had to accept that my body is unlikely to successfully make babies. So I know your thoughts in this area. It is also hard for me to know that in the eyes of J's family (and many people in the area where we live) that I will not be the "real" mom. I also have concerns about the feelings that watching J be pregnant might stir within me-- of course we have to get her pregnant first!

    I will keep my fingers crossed that all is well with K's reproductive tract so that you and I truly can know how it feels to be the non-bio moms.

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  4. We also jumped ship and had to move on. It was weird in the beginning and then became the new normal. With the two of us being on both sides of the TTC process it meant that we really understood what each other was going through.

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  5. The first time Jo and I switched it was very hard on me. I was feeling like - holy crap if she get's preggo - what will that make me? I was very unsure of our decision even though it made sense in my head to give her the green light. It's hard letting go of that dream of feeling the kicks from the inside - but maybe you are just letting go for now... not forever. Your first little bundle of joy will need a sibling :O)

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  6. I'm the non-bio mom to our first child, and have tried valiantly to be the bio-mom for our second. After two-plus years and two early losses, I have to reassess the dream, likely letting go altogether.

    I'm so so sorry that after all the work and love and money and time you've put toward your TTC process, it looks like a switch might be needed. Non-bio motherhood is complicated and harder than I thought it would be (I thought that I could out-run the jealousy by overcompensating in other ways), but it's also the greatest gift I've ever received.

    No matter which steps you take next, I'll be thinking good thoughts for both of you.

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  7. Just wanted to chime in as the non-bio mom with a wife who is 15 weeks along. I originally thought that I'd feel like less of a mom but I have to say now that we're blessed with my wife being pregnant I don't even think about it. I DO feel like a mom and don't feel like less of one because I'm not carrying. I say definitely be really involved and go to the appointments. It will make you feel so connected to be part of the process. Wishing you both nothing but the best.

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  8. This is certainly a big transition. It sounds like you and K have such a supportive relationship that you will be able to process any feelings that come up in this journey. I think that is key. Thinking of you as you navigate this process.

    Jill

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  9. I gotta add one more comment. I really don't do well with people messing with my lady business either. Even a quick pap test often brings me to tears. Ati.van really helped me get through some of those appointments. Even then it wasn't easy, but definitely better. My family doctor told me to do what made it workable. It wouldn't hurt anything and there was no need to be a hero and suffer through it.

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  10. I have been a very bad blogger lately. You and K are a very strong couple and you're going to be parents. I think the not knowing factor is really difficult to address. I hope you find the answers you both need.

    We are facing a similar decision as you, but have yet to go forward in a different direction. It's so hard and I'm constantly thankful for the support from all ttc community. Much love to you...

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  11. What a hard choice to have to make. I hope she's able to be okay with the appointments, and you're able to be okay with the non-bio stuff. *hugs*

    (here from LFCA)

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  12. What a hard choice to have to make. I hope she's able to be okay with the appointments, and you're able to be okay with the non-bio stuff. *hugs*

    (here from LFCA)

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  13. Here from L&F and my first time visiting your blog. This sounds like a really big shift for you both, and I wish you all the best.

    Your dogs are beautiful!

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  14. I wish you all the best for you and K.
    Visiting from LFCA. Great picture of you both btw.

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  15. Wishing you the very best of luck with the planned switch and your continued attempts to build your family.

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