Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I don't think I've ever had responses back to one of my posts before where I read them feeling bad. I've been reminded (once in the comments section and once in an email) that it has only been 3 tries. Is that supposed to make it easier for me? Does the fact that K's only had 3 tries take away everything I went through before she started trying with 2 surgeries and $20,000 of debt? All that comes to mind is I must have sounded stupid. Or maybe ridiculous. Who knows. I'm not an angry blogger. I even think my "I'm feeling sorry for myself" posts are actually pretty calm in comparison to some I read. Which is ok. We're all different, but I never thought in this community I would feel like what I had to say or how I felt wasn't as important as the rest.

I have alot more I could be complaining about. I could tell you that the day I came to work and told a co-worker that I was going to start trying she said, yeah me too. Stopped the pill that day and she just had TWINS two weeks ago. Or how about my good friend Erik who knew I wanted to try but couldn't because I needed surgery first, then when I went back to the RE they found those damn random cysts so when I was told I could actually proceed with my first try he thought it was safe to tell me his wife was pregnant. Well, she gave birth YESTERDAY and here I sit with no baby, no pregnancy and I'm not even the one trying anymore. Now, while dealing with my own feelings of loss, I'm supporting my honey through this who is very upset that she is now just getting her own BFN's and she has to go through another horrible test. She now has those feeling of guilt that her body may be failing her.

Just please don't remind me that I haven't had as many tries as maybe some of you out there, because I think what I've been through to have those few tries was alot and doesn't make my pain any less then anyone elses.


  1. {{{}}} I'm sorry to hear about the BFN and the stress surrounding future tries. It is so hard. Every single BFN was majorly disappointing for me, so I know what you mean. I hope the HSG goes smoothly and that you two get your BFP on the next cycle. More {{{}}}.

  2. was it my comment that offended? i certianly didn't mean to, but mine is the only one in the last comment section that mentions a number of tries, so now you've got me worried and feeling like i should apologize.

    i know you've been through hell and back already and would never want to minimize that pain that comes with each bfn. so, im sorry if my last comment offended, absolutely not my intention. send me a pm if you want - anofferingoflove at gmail dot com.

  3. Oh no! I hope my comment didn't cause you to feel this way. If it in anyway made you feel bad that was so not my intention. I know how much you both have struggled and in no way meant to make it seem like you hadn't.

  4. Oh, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. While your own TTC history (probably) plays no role in how the doctors are caring for S, it certainly plays a role in how exhausted you are with all of this shit. Having a (potential) end point, especially an unwanted one, that makes it even harder. I wish it weren't so.

    I'll be thinking about you both.

  5. I think the number of tries is very misleading. The whole story is that there's a lot of pain and disappointment, and, all I can say is that I feel you. I think we're all here to support each other through this...I welcome your complaints because, for one thing, it makes me know I'm not alone on this rollercoaster.

    About the sonohystogram, it was not a big deal at all when I did it (no pain or anything) but I honestly agree with you and don't think it sounds necessary...wouldn't they have seen it on the HSG???

  6. I'm so sorry you ended up with hurt feelings. You have been through a lot and the number of tries doesn't tell the whole story. A lot goes into each try and it always hurts when a cycle fails. Hugs headed your way.

  7. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for using this space to vent, complain, scream, cry and pout. That what this community is for...we have/are all going through this together! It doesn't matter if it is the first BFN or the 10th, every one is painful.

  8. I'm sorry hon, I know that every BFN feels like one added on top of the other, yours and hers.
    You are both really going through a lot right now and the stress of knowing the insurance is running out is surely adding up the anxiety. I'm just so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's so unfair and I feel your pain.

  9. I missed the last post so let me start by saying that I am so sorry for another BFN.

    It sounds like the stress of constant disappointment is wearing on you.... of course this whole process would be easier if you (or I) had a few hundred thousand extra dollars hanging around so we could do IVF's until some f'ing thing worked. But stress + a limited number of additional tries + more medical procedures = feeling overwhelmed.

    You are right that you are quite the trooper and your story is worth telling. THis TTC road is terrible at times. Hang in there kiddo. I am still hopeful that nothing will be wrong on the HSG and that you will get your BFP through the your tries left on insurance.

  10. I'm so sorry, ladies. I just read your posts today, and am just catching up.

    I believe that no matter how many tries you've had, BFNs hurt like hell. Everything you're feeling is completely valid, and I wish there was something we could all do to take away your worry and anxiety.

    Thinking of you both.

  11. I too am just catching up and wanted to let you know I'm sorry about the BFN. I'm thinking about you ladies.

  12. hey there - ive been following your TTC journey, and want you know to know that i completely understand where you're coming from. A BFN is a BFN, each one hurts like the first. I cried more at my first BFN than I did at my 9th. We are one last try away from my partner trying 1-2 times.
    If she gets a BFN, it will be crushing.

    When you get this far into the game, it doesn't matter if your partner has tried 3x or 30x. The growing feeling of disappointment, loss, failure, and even anger is almost unbearable. Somewhere after the 5th (collective) BFN, each successive BFN (whether yours or your partners) feels like a giant slap in the face.

    I haven't yet read the comments people left to your last post.....but I hope/believe that they all came from a good heart. I know how hard it gets when your continued BFNs/grief are volleyed back with a "This time it will work!" or "You just need to try a few more times!"

    Having said that, almost everyone here has been through the painful journey of TTC. I think sometimes the quickest way to provide that desperately needed comfort (via blog post commenting) are those token sayings. I don't blame you for being somewhat upset by them, as even I've had the same reaction myself.

    You, myself, and several others definitely deserve purple hearts for what we've endured in this process. Multiple surgeries, slews of bad news, almost double digit BFNs, explosive cysts, etc. And nothing to show for it. That's the hardest part.

    Not to throw out another glib saying but keep your chin up. Keep trying until you decide it's time for a break. There are no two ways about it - being empty handed this long into the process is fucking hard as hell. Wish I could give you a giant hug.