I am feeling a little better and I want to thank all of you for your loving comments and well wishes. It helps so much.
I know how selfish I sounded. I'm better then that and K and I are fine. We're always fine. I'm just having a harder time with this then I thought. I really did want to carry and it makes me feel more broken then ever that I couldn't. I'm also worrying again that I'm really not going to be seen as a real parent to her family. I know this worry has come back because she didn't even mention me when telling her Mom about everything that has been going on. I guess this isn't an US situation. It must be a HER situation. I even had a nightmare the other night. K was pregnant and we were at her Grandma's in Chicago for the baby shower and in my dream I was INVITED to the baby shower that I should have been apart of. All the gifts were to K & Baby not one mention of me. So, when I told K about this dream she looked at me like I was crazy. Like it is ridiculous that I would even think that. Maybe it is ridiculous. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. It all doesn't matter if she doesn't get pregnant to begin with.
I guess you can tell that even though I think I feel a little better I am still just letting myself be so depressed over all of this. I just have to get past it. Remind myself that this isn't about me. It hasn't been for a very long time. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get over it. This is my life and I just have to accept the reality of it all.
My parents are arriving tomorrow and usually this wouldn't be good news. My parents usually get on my last nerve but I know because of all of this stress I am really looking forward to them being here. They understand my stress and are planning on a stress free long weekend where I will be taken care of and pampered even if it is just for a few days. I really need that.
Wish us luck this month. We really need it.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure my blogs will go back to boring TTC events only. I'm not an angry blogger. I feel stupid when I vent. I'll be better soon.
8 years ago
Why feel sorry for how you feel? This has been an awfully difficult journey for both of you, as individuals as well as a couple. My two miscarriages caused an unrepairable damage to my relationship with my ex. Thinking back, it really comes down to open communication and mutual respect. I will be thinking of both of you this cycle. Don't close the lid if there is excessive steam!!!
ReplyDeletePlease don't beat yourself up for your feelings - you can't control what they are, simply how you react to them. I understand so much of what you're saying about being the "other mother" - you are definitely not alone. Many hugs and and lots of luck.
ReplyDeleteYou vent away, lady. That's the beauty of the blog. There is nothing at all abnormal about what you're feeling. I know it must be hard as hell to hand over the reigns when you wanted it so badly yourself. Give yourself time and permission to grieve, and write about it all you want. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel stupid for venting! It's part of this process. Big hugs! xoxo
ReplyDeleteVent away! We're here for all of the emotions, good or bad. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAll those feelings are totally legit. Don't feel bad about it and know that while it's not your body, you are both making a baby together. I don't think either of you would be doing this if not for the other and that means that this baby will belong to both of you, created by both of you. Keep your chin up dear and enjoy your weekend with your parents.
ReplyDeleteOh, and good luck!!!
Good luck to you. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you. Your blog made me realize how out of the loop I probably make my partner feel.
ReplyDeleteYou have both been in my thoughts! Take Care. Leah
ReplyDeleteHi, it's me again; just catching up on your blog. Like others have said, it's okay for you to feel this way and it's more than okay to vent. Good for you for talking to K about how you feel. Even if your feelings don't necessarily feel rational to you, that doesn't make them any less valid. xoxo
ReplyDelete