Doctor apt tomorrow

K. Had her follow up beta today to Mahe sure the pregnancy give and the beta went up. Not in a way you think things are ok. But up to say something is wrong.  We have an apt tomorrow to see what needs to happen next. I hope it's nothing serious.

Update

Not only had K miscarried but the little girl we have invested the last year of our lives to is now rejecting us. She had refused visits for the last 3 weeks. She won't talk to us and barely tolerates us at the family meeting set up to help her transition into our home. We may be losing her too.

Tonight is date night for K and I. I'm looking forward to us reconnecting. We need it.

Can't catch a break

We went for our first ultrasound on Monday and the pregnancy isn't viable. K's miscarring. I must have done something really terrible in another life.

We had a scare

K was bleeding and cramping yesterday. We went and had another beta done it is still going up like it should but we are so scared to lose this pregnancy also. K is staying in bed all weekend and I hope the baby is ok. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Beta 2. 545

Everything is looking good.

BFP BETA 202

K's pregnant!

Update on our journey

Life has been hard since losing Ty, Noah and Jaxon. I'm depressed, angry and falling into a deep hole. I'm trying like hell to pull it together and I will but I'm trying to figure out how.

K is slowing doing better. She has had some closure. Some peace. But I haven't. I'm so happy for her and because she is finding strength I know that will help me find strength. We are so bonded and are able to help each other so much that she is the only thing on this earth I'm really sure of. That is my security. My saving grace. The reason I know I won't totally lose it.

We are getting the foster child back and we will be adopting her. This is going to be rough but it is something I know I feel I have to do for her and I think k feels the same way.

Last little bit of news k has decided to do ivf and carry for us. Our first ivf with her is this coming friday. My body failed us twice. I pray she doesn't go through what I did. I love that she is doing this for us. Gives us hope for that dream.

I hope my next post is a bfp.

The journey is over

This past Friday, May 29th I lost the baby. Jaxon Robert Chavez was born at 3:15 stillborn. I have no idea why. And at this point it just doesn't matter anymore. We have decided to stop trying. After 7 years, almost 100k, 2 surgeries, 10 iui's, 4 IVF,  3 angels we are done.

I will never be the same. I know this is all because of me. My body has failed us over and over. I can't put Kathy or another baby through this ever again.

The Ultimate Gift was me giving Kathy the baby she so desperately wanted. And I have failed. This blog is now over. I will live the rest of my life childless. Please don't ask about fostering or adoption. That is not going to happen.

I wish everyone who has been following me all these years the best in life and many thanks for the support.

Good bye.

Bed Rest

On the 21st I went in for an ultrasound. My ultrasound on the 12th showed my cervix length 2.9. On the 21st my cervix length was down to .67. I'm told that is equal to 5mm. Which is basically nothing. My cervix is being held together by a stitch. At week 13 I got a cerclage and thank goodness I did. The stupid "expert" I had the cerclage consultation with tried to talk me out of it. If I would have listened to that bitch this baby would be gone.

So I was originally admitted to the hospital overnight. Given meds to stop my uterus from contacting. I was released basically with vaginal progesterone and a "we'll monitor you". I had to demand bed rest. They weren't even going to do that. So I feel like it's up to me and Kathy to get this baby to 24 weeks so the doctors will take this pregnancy seriously.

I do feel better with only a few days of bed rest. I feel so much less pressure. I know in my gut this is the best thing for me to do.

Keep us all in your thoughts. My poor Kathy is carrying our entire world on her shoulders. I have to lay here and pray nothing goes wrong.

We also have a foster child at the moment. It isn't working out. Even before the bed rest we decided to have the county find her a better placement. But now with the bed rest we really know this is the best decision.

This is my life as of today. I'll stay laying here for the next 6 weeks so we can help the baby!

Tragedy could strike again....

When I lost my twin boys it was because an incompetent cervix.  It just popped open and my world has felt like it ended ever since. 

I get pregnant again.  IVF #4.  8 years, close to 100K, loss of twins and almost one failed marriage later and I think I'm going to have the baby I've been trying so hard for.  The baby I've been trying so hard to give my wife. 

3 weeks ago I got a cerclage.  I'm all stitched up.  Of course the specialists tried to talk me out of it.  Tried to tell me I probably don't need it....BULLSHIT!  My cervix is already starting to open again.

It's still in the normal range but not my much.  I'll probably have to go on bed rest which will put my job in jeopardy.  See because if you've been following along back in February they eliminated my department and I still haven't been officially placed in a new assignment.  That will probably happen next week but if I go on bed rest they won't wait 6 months for me.  I know.... I know..... legally they have to hold a job for me but not my job and not at my pay.  I could end up being the receptionist or mail room person.  That's all honest work but not what I want to do.

If I lose this baby I think I'll lose my mind.  No amount of therapy will help me.

I feel like I can feel my cervix opening every second.  This SUCKS!!

It's a BOY!!!

I got a call from the OB Office today and my Maternity 21 results are in....NORMAL!!

And this blood tests also tells gender of the baby.....IT'S A BOY!

We would have been happy with either but I think we were kinda hoping for a boy.

This is a great day!

14 Weeks

I am at 14 weeks today.  My life has been crazy so I feel very lucky that this has been a wonderful pregnancy so far. 

Our foster child has been with us 2 weeks.  She is a challenge.  She is insecure & sassy.  She has terrible behavior in school which had me late for work today because we had to have a meeting with school about her.  It went as well as can be expected.

I find myself unable to bond with her.  One, she has a lot of walls up already due to everything she has been through but I'm ashamed to say that I kinda resent her and for taking all the attention away from this pregnancy.  Taking all the attention away from me needing attention during this pregnancy.  I'm 44 and pregnant.  I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone else.  I spent the last 19 years taking care of K and all of her needs so being pregnant is the only time that I get all the attention and that isn't happening.  The foster kid is getting everything and she isn't grateful, she doesn't realize how good she has it or how her terrible little life is affecting me. 

Yes yes yes....I know.  I sound terrible.  That is where I feel guilty.  But I can't help how I feel.

Thankfully nobody reads this and nobody I really know reads this in my real life so I can talk about the terrible person I really am.

12 Weeks

Today I hit the 12 week mark. Everyone always feels more secure hitting the 12 week mark. NOT ME. I don't feel secure. I lost my twins at 21 weeks.

I know that sounds like I'm complaining. Maybe anyone reading this would think all I should be is grateful that I'm pregnant again. I would have been that person. I would have thought "be grateful for what you have". Until it happened to me. Now that I've been through what I believe is the worst possible thing that will ever happen to me....now I know better. Now I know that even though they were only with me for moments it will hurt forever.

I miss them everyday. And even though I will love and cherish this baby I'm carrying he (or she) won't replace my baby boys.

We now have the 8 year old little girl living with us as a foster child. She is terribly behaved, disrespectful and just overall a mean little girl. She will definitely not replace my innocent baby boys. I hope we are able to help her. I hope we can improve her bad behaviors and when I first started this I thought for sure we'd be able to but the more I get to know her the more I doubt that. I really think there is something to it when they say a child's personality is set by the time they are 5. I didn't believe that until now.

That's about it for now. I could type and type but this would turn into a "I feel sorry for myself" post and those are never fun to read.

10 weeks

I've hit the 10 week mark today.  Time is going by so slow.  Time went by so slow with my last pregnancy and I ended up losing that pregnancy so I'm so worried about this one.  Way more worried then I'm showing anyone.  We are going to tell family we're pregnant at 16 weeks but I still won't feel safe.  I lost the boys at 21 weeks.  I wish I could wait until 30 weeks.  But I can't live in a bubble. 

My life is changing.  Changing so much.  I thought I was good with change.  I thought I was strong but with all of this I'm figuring out that maybe I'm not so good with change.  Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this.

7w 2d

Had a ultrasound today and the baby is perfect.  Measuring right on schedule and heart rate 142.

Picture just looks like a blob at the moment but it's a beautiful blob.

More to come.

posting just to post

I'm so tired today. Everything has been crazy.  I feel like all I want to do is crash and veg out all weekend but that isn't a possibility.  Tonight we are taking little Jonna to the movies and dinner tonight.  Tomorrow we have the washer repairman coming in the morning to look at the washer and then we have to run out and buy a twin bed and do some major grocery shopping because we will have Jonna in our home for 10 days starting Sunday.  So, this weekend will be jam packed!!

My ass is killing me from the progesterone shots.  They are creating lumps or knots under the skin and no amount of walking or heating pads or massage is helping them to go away and the pain is horrible. 

I don't feel pregnant which is scary.  I wasted $20 on expensive pregnancy test just to make sure it still says pregnant even though in my mind I know I'm 6 weeks but I had to see it again.

I have my ultrasound on Tuesday.  I hope everything is ok. 

I'm totally feeling sorry for myself these days.  My job is in limbo and my personal life is in overdrive.  Plus I found out today that my situation at work has become the topic of conversation and I'm being "gossiped" about.  Obviously they have nothing better to talk about. 

Wish me luck I get through the weekend.  :)

Update - Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound yesterday.  It is way too soon to see a baby or hear a heartbeat but they wanted to find the sack and make sure it is in the right place.

Great news!!!!  There is a sack and it is in the right place.  Actually to add even more good news the it is measuring right on schedule.  Yesterday I was 5w3d and our peanut measured at 5w2d.

I still consider this pregnancy fragile but so far so good.

BETA #5 736

My beta isn't rising as fast as it should or they would like. But it's still going up at a rate where there is still hope. We are going to have an ultrasound tomorrow to see if we can see anything.

BETA #4 - 480

The BETA is finally rising at the rate is should. They still haven't given me a due date because they are still "cautiously optimistic". There is an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. We should be able to see something by then.

Relief....

Today's BETA 165

Today's BETA is up. It did not double but went up to 165 from 103 which is the 60% minimum that they consider a healthy rise. So, we are cautiously optimistic and I test again on Monday.

But if I'm being honest I feel like my body is rejecting it. I feel like I'm miscarrying. But if this little peanut is going to fight to stick with me then I'll deal with anything I have to.