The Tubes Are Now Open...

Yesterday was the tube opening. This is now the second procedure that I've had done at United Hospital and they are just so wonderful. Everyone was so nice and when I was wheeled into the room to actually do the procedure there was a team of people. It was a bigger deal then I was expecting, which made me more nervous then I think I would have been otherwise. As I scooted my butt to the end of the table and propped it up on a stack of what looked like towels and they tapped my feet to the table I was put totally at ease my the lesbian nurse talking to me about anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. With a bunch of really good drugs I barely felt anything. I did feel some pressure and cramping but it didn't last long.

So, I bet you want to know the results.... THE TUBES ARE NOW OPENED

Yes, I said tubes...turns out the right tube that I was told was opened actually was a little blocked as well.

We were also told that we don't have to wait before we start trying again. Bad thing is we'll be out of town around the time AF is supposed to arrive. If AF arrives early I won't be in town for my cd3 u/s and to get my prescription for clomid to start on cd3. If AF arrives on time or a day or two late then everything should work out just fine. But I'm ok with either one. Of course I'm anxious to start again, but I've been through so much that I'll be taking this one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I won't be upset.

Yesterday was also an anniversary for K & I. It was 13 years ago yesterday from the day we met. We thought it was a great way to spend the day.

Thank God It's Friday...

Today is one of those days where I do not want to be at work. I'm being very unproductive. Thankfully I'm leaving early. Only 2 1/2 hours but I think today it will save my sanity. I'm going to grocery shop, get a massage and chiropractic adjustment then relax at home with the puppies.

I heard from my Mom today. She said she heard from Bill (they guy that offered me free sperm) and he got my letter. He called it a nice letter and said he just wanted to help but he understands where I'm coming from. First, why keep discussing this with my Mother??? She was so funny. He didn't read her the letter and when I wasn't offering any details she flat out asked me what I wrote to him. HOW RUDE! Our conversation didn't last long. I can tell she wants to have some deep conversation but I just don't want to. She is always saying the wrong thing.

I can't wait until Tuesday! I'm so excited to be getting my tube opened. I feel like time isn't going fast enough. I think I've just had too much time on my hands with K out of town. She comes home Monday. YEAH!!

My Best Friend Tracie

Everyone...Say Hello to Tracie.

Tracie and I have been the best of friends for over 23 years. We have been through everything together.

We met in high school, we were roommates shortly after high school and even worked together in the same office. We've seen each other through sick parents, break ups, new relationships, new jobs, loss of jobs, and so on. Anyone stuck in the same room with us for more then an hour is stuck listening to "Tracie-Abby Stories" over and over because there are just so many.

Tracie and I live over 400 miles apart and now that there is so much going on (with both of us) it has been very hard to be apart. When I started TTC I was very excited to tell my best friend about it. Most of our conversations over the recent months has been primarily about my TTC efforts. But when I told her (and so many others) about starting TTC I had no idea that I was going to have so many issues. I never thought in a million years that I would need surgery, a tube opened and fertility drugs. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Over the months I have found comfort in talking to all of you...Other TTC'ers. Starting in the message boards and now here. In my blog as well as all of yours. It gives me a comfort that I get more advise then having to answer questions because this situation isn't something that everything knows about or will ever go through. I also like feeling that maybe I can also give some advise or comfort to all of you going through the same thing.

While I've been not really talking about things as often because I do feel like I'm in a holding period right now since I decided to get that tube opened I found out yesterday that my Best Friend feels left out. She feels like our conversations have been replaced by this blog.

I want her to know that nobody has replaced her. That this blog is away for me to be connected to other woman who can understand me during the TTC, but it will never replace the history that her and I have had and the future that is still to come. That it won't take away from me telling her what's going on, but can be a tool for her to keep track of my journey when it gets confusing. I want her to feel comfortable to be here, read what I write and take it for face value.

So, Tracie, I know it's hard being so far apart. I know it sometimes feels like maybe we're not as connected, but over 23 years we've gone through times where we haven't talked alot or didn't spend alot of time together but because of our love and friendship we always come back together like not a single day has passed. That is the beauty of us. No worries.

Thank You Letter...

If you remember from a previous post an old friend of the family told my Mother that he wanted to donate sperm to me. And even though in so many ways I feel that the offer was just weird I was still very touched and thankful. And even though I wasn't even involved in the conversation I still feel like I had to acknowledge it. I had to turn down this guy who was so willing to help create a life. Well, the letter is done and on it's way. It took two days and several drafts, but I feel I came across kind and thankful while still saying no to his offer.

K's flight was good and she is having a relaxing time at her Mom's. I spent the evening cooking enough food to get me through almost the whole week and watching reruns of One Tree Hill. I've never watched that show before, but about 4 months ago it started rerunning on Soap Network so I started watching it and it's my newest guilty pleasure. Yes, you can say it....I'm a dork. :)

I finally showed K my blog. Maybe someday she'll post, but I at least wanted her to be able to read it, read all of the comments and follow everyone else's blogs. I know it's really helped me and I want her to have the same experience.

That's all the news I have for now.

Tubal Cannulation....

The Tubal Cannulation has been scheduled. The procedure will be done at 10:30am Tuesday January 27th.

I'm officially on another break from TTC which I don't like. But opening this tube takes away my biggest fertility issue that is left. I've had surgery to remove the endometriosis. My FSH number was great. I had the huge cyst on my right ovary removed. The left tube being blocked is the last issue that I can see, so I have to at least try to fix it. After that is done then it is out of my hands.

K will be out of town this week but will fly home the day before my procedure to take care of me. I'm a big girl. I'll be fine while she's gone. It's just so hard going home knowing she won't be there. I do have the puppies to keep me company and when I'm sad and I want to go to bed at 7pm they are more then happy to curl up with me.

My friend from Home Depot came over Saturday and we had a BLAST. I drank like a rock star which is fitting since we played Guitar Hero for hours. It was so much fun. I don't think I'll drink again for a while and definitely not as much as I did the other night.

That's my news today. Hope all is well with everyone.

Random words.....

I don't have any TTC news today, but I feel like I need to check in. I feel like things are at such a stand still that I'm just not going anywhere.

It has already been a crazy year. K getting laid off, deciding to get my tube opened, I have an office trip next month where spouses are invited and YES I'm bringing K. Not everyone knows about me. I'm far from being in the closet, but I don't advertise it either. So, those people who do not know will be in for a bit of a shock soon. Just the other day I was having an innocent conversation with a guy I work with and the conversation when from talking about my second job, to the economy, to lay offs, and I mentioned that "my honey" got laid off. So, when he asked me what "he" did for a living I answered with "she's" an electrician. I freaked him out a bit. He went running to another just worried that he offended me, about how he had no idea, etc. I think this trip will be interesting.

K's been doing well. She's started working out, getting errands done, did a side job last night for a friend. Actually it wasn't even technically a side job. She has done electrical work for these friends alot in the past and has never charged them. Well, they paid her last night. Nice of them because K never would have charged them. I know they really appreciate her.

I went back to work at my second job last night after not being there for a month. It actually felt really good to be back. I'm a Head Cashier at Home Depot for job #2. They have been cutting hours back so much that lately I don't get many Head Cashier shifts. I'm actually just a cashier, but good thing is it pays the same and I have far less responsibilities. YEAH FOR ME! There are only 3 lesbians at Home Depot. At Home Depot I have chosen to remain in the the closet. Of course the other 2 know. I'm really becoming good friends with one of them. I am really looking forward to seeing where this friendship is going. She is such a genuine person.

I haven't been talking to family or friends alot lately. As you can tell by my rant the other day I just need a break. I'm still waiting for my Mother to email me Bill's home address so I can thank him for his sperm offer. What a strange letter have to write. I mean is there an FTD flower arrangement that says "Thanks for the sperm offer" :) I just really feel like I need to acknowledge that it was even said and tell him that it really means alot that he would want to help me with something so important.

AF hasn't arrived yet. But I called the RE's office and found out that this procedure is done between cd 7-10. After AF is gone but before you ovulate. Well, K's going out of town all next week. So, if AF shows up to early the procedure is going to land on a day when she is supposed to be out of town. Of course she wants to be with me. Take care of me. I can't take that way from her. Even though it does seem to be all about me all of this still affects her and the family we are trying to make together. So, I'm hoping AF doesn't show up now until Saturday. That would be ideal.

That's about it. Boring I know. From day to day I think my life is actually pretty boring. I don't have major stories or drama. K & don't have any issues so things are usually going well with us. I'll be all alone next week. Just the puppies and I so maybe I'll check in more so you guys can keep me company. My Blogsphere Family.

A Great Weekend...

We had such a good weekend.

Saturday I relaxed. Watched old TV shows that I had taped. Ran some errands. Cook a fabulous dinner for K and we started our L Word marathon. We got rid of the "Movie Channels" a long time ago so we borrowed last season from a friend who just got it for Christmas.

Sunday we relaxed all day. Ate junk food and watched the L Word all day. Nothing beats total relaxation and then falling asleep in the arms of the one you love.

No real serious talk. No worries.

I'm really hoping to see AF soon. As soon as I get that visitor I'll be able to schedule the procedure to open my left tube. That will be exiting.

Just Another Rant....

Do you ever get to the point when you feel like you just can't talk to anyone? That nobody understands?

Your Mother should be the one person you feel closest to, who loves you unconditionally and you can confide in. I don't have that. I know she tries. I stay close to her for only one reason. So I can sleep at night, so I can look at myself in the mirror, so I won't have any regrets. Well, I guess that's more then one reason :)

She has said all the wrong things for as long as I can remember but it got so much worse (13 years ago) when I came out to her. Like the day I told her that K & I were going to have a ceremony and she said she would rather me marry ANYONE with a penis then marry K. When she said how embarrassed she is because she is the Mother of the drugy and the dyke. (my brother's the drugy). Like the day she told me that Bill offered his sperm to me and when I said we wanted a Mexican donor she then proceeded to offer up Bill's stepson who is 25% Mexican. Of course without thinking of this poor 20 year old kid or my feelings. Or the day when K & I talked about TTC years ago and my Mom said the rest of the family didn't need to know. That her and my Dad would provide anything we needed. No baby shower necessary.

I don't know what made me think of all of this today. Well, I guess I do know. I'm over it. I'm over the people in my life not concerned with how I feel. Not concerned with what they say to me. Not concerned that my life is completely different then everyone else's and not trying to understand that. I'm tired of working so hard and everyone else in my life being completely taken care of.

I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's for all the money in the world. That doesn't mean I can't just be tired of it all. I'm tired of answering all the same questions that I've answered a million times before to try and help people to understand. I'm tired of people forgetting what I tell them and being so understanding about it.

I guess I'm just tired.

A very generous offer.....

Listen to this one...

Yesterday my Mom calls and half way through the conversation she says "Do you want to hear something funny?" Of course I said yes. She starts by telling me how her best friend's son (Bill) was over doing some home improvement work for her and he asked her if I was still thinking about trying to have a baby. After she told him yes he told her that he would give me sperm. That he had already talked to his wife and she would be OK with it and that there would have to be someway he could ship it to me. She did tell him that K & I didn't want a known donor because we didn't want the hassles that comes with that. We also want a Mexican donor if I'm carrying since K is part Mexican and Bill is a red head with fair skin. Attractive, but just not the donor we have always wanted.

His offer didn't really come as a big shock. We are childhood friends. Our families are very close and I don't think he would interfer. But I would feel weird. I would look at the child and see Bill. We want a Mexican donor so when K looked at the child she would see alittle of her. I'm very close to his Mother and I would wonder how she would feel when she would be around the child knowing it would be her grandchild. It would be too messy....I think. Even though I don't think he would want to be "Daddy" I know he would still want to know the child.

But there is a huge part of me just overwhelmed by this guys generosity. I plan on writing him a letter thanking him for the offer and letting him know how much it means to me that he cares enough about me to want to help me create a life.

I will not be accepting his offer. If it was 10 years ago, we were still in the same state, K was OK with using him as a donor, etc...Maybe. There would be just too much to do. Friends of mine used a known donor who lived in another state. It took them 5 years to get through all of the legal paperwork, donor testing and the psychological stuff. Now she has a beautiful daughter and a baby on the way. Worked for them.

That's my story today. It's Friday and I hope everyone has a great weekend.

The Economy Sucks!

I don't have any TTC news today. But Monday was eventful and it took me a day to absorb it all before I could write about it.

The Economy Sucks! Even though the economy has been going down the drain for a very long time now I have never said those words. K and I have been working 2 jobs each for years & years & years..... Well, Monday afternoon K got laid off from her full time job. What a blow. I'll put it out there that we have debt. Some of it because we wanted something we probably didn't need, but for the most part it was to help us with major car repairs, emergencies, or to just get us through when we were putting K though college. We haven't dug ourselves out yet. We've never had a problem paying our bills and our credit is great. For years through college and through K's apprenticeship we always said that we're waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. We saw the light. We didn't just see the light at the end of the tunnel...we were through the tunnel and sun bathing on a beach things were going so good. Well that may all change. I hope not. I'm actually optimistic that we'll still be ok. That since we still have 3 jobs between us and with unemployment we won't have to make the hard decision of what bills to pay and what not, and face the fact that our almost perfect credit will be gone.

Oh, there's more...My Dad went back to work after being off for 2 months on medical leave. He had major surgery the end of October. Well, he was presented with a very small buy out package to retire early. His company has been having troubles for years but is now also in the middle of a huge lay off and because of his years of service they did give him a better package then anyone else. He's taking it.

We have what I call the "baby funds". We took out 2 lines of credit. One for the cryobank and one for the RE. So, the good news is we still have that money to continue the baby efforts. But when those funds run out we may have to put TTC on hold. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I still want to think that 2009 is going to be a great year. I'm going to try and be thankful everyday not for what we lost or what we don't have but what we still have and that we are together and happy.

That was easy....

Last week when I decided to open my left blocked tube I've been in a slight panic. I don't know who to call, how to set something like that up. Honestly I've been worried. I had a call into both my RE and my surgeon for a recommendation for this procedure because I just didn't know where to start.

Well, my RE called and they will set that up for me. WHEW! What a relief. Sounds like it will happen soon. The procedure I think is done during AF or right after because I have to call them between day 1 & 3 to set it up. Doesn't matter to me. As long as I get fixed I don't care when they do it. I have heard this procedure can be painful. That could have also been just one person's experience. K actually brought that up when I told her I wanted to open the tube. She said...I heard it's painful. I said....I'm sure no more painful then child birth and if I'm willing to do that then I'm sure this won't be that bad. :)

Even though I'm officially on hold I feel really good about it. I feel like I'm doing the one thing that will greatly increase my chances. Now I know this process is a crap shoot and maybe it won't help, but if I don't try I'll regret it and I never live my life with regrets. I make sure of that.

Plus, I think the time will go by fast. I have a trip planned for work in February and I'll just take this time to exercise more, eat better and start those New Year's Resolutions. :)

Thank Goodness The Holidays Are Over!

I' m so happy that the holidays are over. My parents and niece are gone and I have a quiet house for the first time in 3 weeks. This has been a rough holiday season. Traveling for both Thanksgiving & Christmas and all of the out of town company....I'M EXHAUSTED! After a day of rest I look forward to getting back to normal.

I called my RE's office and left my Dr a message about wanting to get that left tube opened. I'm sure I will hear from him sometime Monday with someone he recommends to do the procedure and I'll be on my way. I'll have only one question... How long will I have to wait after the procedure before I'll be able to try again????

I want to finish this post, my first one of 2009, thanking all of you for your support and going through this journey with me.