Do you ever get to the point when you feel like you just can't talk to anyone? That nobody understands?
Your Mother should be the one person you feel closest to, who loves you unconditionally and you can confide in. I don't have that. I know she tries. I stay close to her for only one reason. So I can sleep at night, so I can look at myself in the mirror, so I won't have any regrets. Well, I guess that's more then one reason :)
She has said all the wrong things for as long as I can remember but it got so much worse (13 years ago) when I came out to her. Like the day I told her that K & I were going to have a ceremony and she said she would rather me marry ANYONE with a penis then marry K. When she said how embarrassed she is because she is the Mother of the drugy and the dyke. (my brother's the drugy). Like the day she told me that Bill offered his sperm to me and when I said we wanted a Mexican donor she then proceeded to offer up Bill's stepson who is 25% Mexican. Of course without thinking of this poor 20 year old kid or my feelings. Or the day when K & I talked about TTC years ago and my Mom said the rest of the family didn't need to know. That her and my Dad would provide anything we needed. No baby shower necessary.
I don't know what made me think of all of this today. Well, I guess I do know. I'm over it. I'm over the people in my life not concerned with how I feel. Not concerned with what they say to me. Not concerned that my life is completely different then everyone else's and not trying to understand that. I'm tired of working so hard and everyone else in my life being completely taken care of.
I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's for all the money in the world. That doesn't mean I can't just be tired of it all. I'm tired of answering all the same questions that I've answered a million times before to try and help people to understand. I'm tired of people forgetting what I tell them and being so understanding about it.
I guess I'm just tired.
8 years ago
Good for you! It is hard but the insensitivity of others shouldn't be accepted.
ReplyDeletegod my Mum can say similar things sometimes and it just makes me sad. I am glad you are trying to make the best of it. You are not alone it this.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your mom isn't there for you the way she should be. But good for you for taking a stand. My own mom and I have had many issues (not about sexuality and family - that, ironically has been something to bring us closer) and I do understand the feelings of just not wanting to take it anymore. I'm happy you have a strong relationship with K to weather these difficult storms!
ReplyDeleteJill
ouch. comments like that always hurt worse when they come from our mothers. sending you ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for the things you are going through with your mom. Sometimes its the people closest to us that can hurt us the most. Stand your ground and maybe one day she will surprise you.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was the same way for the longest time. Finally I was so fed up with it that I told her how she made me feel. I was at the point where I could walk away from her if she continued saying the things she said. After we talked it out and I expressed my feelings, she started to come around and was much more conscience of what she said to me in the future. I know exactly how you feel and I can only hope it starts to get better for you.
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