Do you ever get to the point when you feel like you just can't talk to anyone? That nobody understands?
Your Mother should be the one person you feel closest to, who loves you unconditionally and you can confide in. I don't have that. I know she tries. I stay close to her for only one reason. So I can sleep at night, so I can look at myself in the mirror, so I won't have any regrets. Well, I guess that's more then one reason :)
She has said all the wrong things for as long as I can remember but it got so much worse (13 years ago) when I came out to her. Like the day I told her that K & I were going to have a ceremony and she said she would rather me marry ANYONE with a penis then marry K. When she said how embarrassed she is because she is the Mother of the drugy and the dyke. (my brother's the drugy). Like the day she told me that Bill offered his sperm to me and when I said we wanted a Mexican donor she then proceeded to offer up Bill's stepson who is 25% Mexican. Of course without thinking of this poor 20 year old kid or my feelings. Or the day when K & I talked about TTC years ago and my Mom said the rest of the family didn't need to know. That her and my Dad would provide anything we needed. No baby shower necessary.
I don't know what made me think of all of this today. Well, I guess I do know. I'm over it. I'm over the people in my life not concerned with how I feel. Not concerned with what they say to me. Not concerned that my life is completely different then everyone else's and not trying to understand that. I'm tired of working so hard and everyone else in my life being completely taken care of.
I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's for all the money in the world. That doesn't mean I can't just be tired of it all. I'm tired of answering all the same questions that I've answered a million times before to try and help people to understand. I'm tired of people forgetting what I tell them and being so understanding about it.
I guess I'm just tired.
2 years ago