Straight People Say The Stupidest Things....

I just saw a girl a few minutes ago here at work that I haven't talked to in a while and she asked me how "The Baby Thing" was going. I told her that it wasn't going very well. That every time I turn around I seem to have more fertility issues. I told her that in 6 short months I've had 2 major procedures and have acquired over $20,000 in debt. I said right this second we're taking a break.

She jumped straight to "Haven't you two thought about adoption?" Typical straight person response. Typical response from someone who didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I said that we haven't thought about it because until now we didn't think we would have to think about it, but maybe we will discuss it after we have thought everything through.

Then she said out of the blue...."It's not like you two can try on your own" as she's pointing to her self as if to say our problem is we're missing a penis. I couldn't stop myself, but I said STRAIGHT PEOPLE SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT! I said that our problem isn't the lack of a penis it's fertility issues and what she said was rude.

I felt the tears welling up. I felt an anger that I don't know that I've felt in a very long time. I was in shock.

Of course she tried to apologize. She said she considers me "a good friend". Bullshit! Good friend my ass.

Thank you...

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and support. We really feel like we've been hit really hard this year and it's only February. I'm just need to do anything we can to turn things around. Feel like we are in some sort of control again. Well, as much control as one can have when TTC is concerned.

I'm still on the birth control and I'll be making an appointment with the RE soon to get K checked out. In the mean time we're looking at a couple different weight loss plans to help in that area and when K gets back from Chicago next week I think we might get on some kind of structured plan to help get on track.

Other then that things are slow. I'm working alot and just hoping and praying everyday that K gets called back to work sooner then later.

The Plan...

K and I finally talked a little bit. We haven't had the opportunity to discuss the situation since I told her about the cyst and endometriosis being back Monday morning. We talked over the phone, which wasn't ideal but if we didn't say something about what was going on after 2 days I think we would both lose our minds.

We've decided to prepare and explore 2 different options. First we're going to make her an appointment to get checked out by our RE. We just want to know if switching to her is an option. At the same time we're going to take the next few months and prepare for IVF for me. The RE wants me to get my body ready by taking a drug for a few months that would take away the endometriosis. And I need to drop a few pounds. I'm not over the weight limit for IVF, but with the recent weight gain I've had I don't want to start this process feeling like I'm out of shape and not healthy enough for IVF. I need to know that I've done everything I can to help it be successful.

We also need to see if she'll get called back to work the next few months as well as see how we're going to handle the very aggressive payoff plan that we've put together.

We both feel like we could cry at the drop of a hat these days and we feel very defeated, but we're not ready to give up. Maybe in the end we'll be going the adoption route. Either will be ok. It's just time to expand our family. We're just going to slow down a bit because we've hit some bumps and I just need to slow down the bumps. Those bumps have already cost us over $16,000. When I add to that I want to do it knowing more. I feel like the decisions we've made that got us to that $16,000 was because we were new to this. Because we didn't know any better. Because I thought I could fix my infertility issues and have IUI as an option. Maybe IUI could still be an option, but IVF will by pass all my infertility problems and give us a better shot.

So, my journey is officially on hold. My blog will hopefully be letting everyone know how much debt we're paying off to make this process financially easier. I'll be letting everyone know how much weight I'm losing, but even better how much healthier and stronger I'll be getting. I'll be letting everyone know about K's appointment(s) and my appointment(s) with the RE and what our options are and what direction we decide to go. I hope you all hang in there with me and I'll be hanging in there with all of you. Even though I'll be extremely jealous at your success my happiness for you will eventually over ride that jealousy. Promise.

So, here's to the next step....

The Bad News Just Keeps Coming...

TTC Update...

First my cycle did start early. Just what I was hoping wouldn't happen. But I went in for a baseline ultrasound this morning to see if we could still proceed with things this cycle and that would be a big fat NO! I have a huge cyst on the right side AGAIN. My RE thinks the endometriosis is back. It's only been 5 months since my surgery but that doesn't seem to matter.

So I was put on birth control again this morning to slow down or stop the endometriosis until we decide what we should do next.

Here are our choices...

1. Ignore the cyst and keep trying.
2. Have surgery again to clean out the endometriosis that came back and then start back with IUI's again.
3. Go straight to IVF. That route would consist of a month on birth control, 3 months on another drug that would shrink the endometriosis and then start the IVF protocol.
4. Get K checked out and consider switching from me to her.
5. Stop everything all together.

I think we've already decided that options 1 & 2 are actually not an option. This as you will see below by the cost already is just us throwing good money after bad. My RE thinks that going the IUI route with the issues I'm having is only giving me a 5% chance of success. IVF would give me a 33%-40% chance of success.

For really only 1 try that we have had the cost looks like this:

• $1,300 - My portion of the endometriosis surgery.
• $1,300 - Donor Sperm
• $10,000 - A line of credit taken out for IUI's and fertility drugs.
• $8,800 - To open Tubes. I had no idea it was going to cost this much. I was expecting $2,000 - $3,000.
  Total: $21,400
  Still have: $5,000
• Total cost out of pocket for basically 1 try has cost $16,400

I have no idea what to do. I feel like such a failure. I know how bad K wants a baby. She would be an amazing parent. I really don't want to stop. Part of me really believes that if we stopped and we let this dream go it could impact our relationship in a negative way that I don't know if we would bounce back. We have a very strong relationship but I don't know if it could survive the regret and anger that would come from this failed dream.

So, here I sit. On hold again. Fighting the horrible feeling that we are drowning in debt, K's not working at the moment and the regret that we have made so many bad decisions up to this point over 13 years that we have ruined our chances of starting the family that we have always talked about.

Seattle Here We Come...

We leave tomorrow for Seattle. It's my department's Annual Meeting. We have 3 projects in the Seattle area so they are flying everyone there for a long weekend just to attend a 4 hour meeting.

Thursday night should be interesting. It is cocktails and an informal dinner with the entire group of 140 and all of the guests. I believe we have 208. Of course K's coming with me. Good thing about where I work is the company is very gay friendly but you never know if the people you work with are also that way. Most of the people I work with are out of state and I only talk to them over the phone. So, there is only a hand full of people that I actually know about K & I. I'm sure I will be the topic of conversation for a little bit Thursday, but once that is over and everyone knows then I'm sure we will be able to just enjoy the weekend.

Friday evening there is a very fancy/formal dinner planned for everyone. Of course open bar again. There is never a shortage of free alcohol to drink at these annual meetings. :) I won't be over indulging too much because of TTC, but a glass of wine won't hurt me. I helped pick out the menu for the entire weekend and the food is going to be so good!

We will still be there Saturday for Valentine's Day. We'll do the whole tourist thing during the day and I've made dinner reservations for Saturday night at a fine dining restaurant at the resort where we are staying. I think it's going to be a really good weekend for us. Quality time together is exactly what we need.

I should be starting Try #2B again as soon as I get back. This last couple of weeks feels like it's gone by so slow.

I won't have Internet access while I'm gone so I won't be checking back again until Monday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a great Valentine's Day!

Night out with friends...

I had a pretty busy weekend. Worked Friday night. Got the brakes on my car fixed Saturday. I really needed that. I was that annoying car driving down the street making that metal on metal horrible noise when trying to stop. Went out to lunch with my friend Ang who works with K Saturday afternoon while the car was being fixed. Saturday night K & I met some of my old friends out for drinks. It was so much fun!! It had been way too long since I had seen them all. I worked with all of them 7 years ago at the first Home Depot I ever worked at. I'm at store number 3 now. They all just loved hearing about my TTC efforts and are so supportive.

Here are a few pictures:

Becky & Beth. ................ Me & Dustin.












Tina Me & Denise
Sunday K & I didn't do much of anything. We should have been out shopping because we need some new clothes for our trip to Seattle this week but we decided to just be lazy and relax the day away instead. That means we will be shopping tonight.

Talk to you all soon.

Update...

I received a message from my RE yesterday. Not from the RE's office, but actually the doctor himself. I usually don't talk to him at all. I see the Nurses and they carry out the treatment plan that he tells them to. I'm ok with that since I think he has been very aggressive so far and I haven't disagreed with anything he has wanted to do yet. It wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't call and one of the nurses called, but it was nice a nice surprise to hear that he did it himself.

He received the paperwork regarding my procedure and just to hear him say the words "IT WAS SUCCESSFUL" was music to my ears. He also said that we should get started again right away as soon as my cycle starts again. So, I know I've said this before but ladies I need your prayers more then ever. Pray for AF to be late. I know that sounds weird since we are always begging AF to show up, but I just don't want to be out of town when I should be starting the whole process over again.

None TTC updates....

• Work has been very busy.
• K's still really sick. The poor baby.
• Since my Dad was forced into early retirement my parents are obsessed with selling their house and moving to Arizona.
• Things have been ok money-wise so far since K's been laid off. I'm expecting a good Tax Refund for both of us and I just settled for a small amount of money from a car accident a couple years ago so all of that will help alot toward debt. It will feel really good to just pay off some stuff. It is also really helping that we just aren't spending money like we used to. You don't realize how much you really spend until you think you won't have it to spend anymore and it forces you to really look at it.
• The puppies are good. They are just such a joy. Bear went to the vet a week or two a go and he has lost 5 pounds since September. Which is a good start. He should really be about 70 lbs and he's tipping the scale around 89 lbs, but he thinks he's 10 lbs and will try to curl up on your lap or in a small space next to you because he just thinks he'll fit. It's just too adorable.
• Oh, I have a good story for you.... At job #2 the other night I (half kidding) said to one of my cashiers "how do like my ever expanding ass? haha" She replied with "I noticed. I was going to say your butt looks big in those jeans." I couldn't believe it!! I wasn't mad. Shocked. But not mad. Can you believe it? I just wouldn't ever be able to say something like that to someone. She's lucky I can stay calm and not hit her.

That's about it.

Checking In...

Since my procedure I feel great. I didn't have any pain and was back working both jobs again the very next day. I feel a sense of calm and peace since the procedure. I feel like I took control over my body and fixing a major issue. At work the very next day one of my cashiers came up to me and said I looked like the happiest person in the world. He asked me if I had won the lottery and just hadn't told anyone. I just responded with No, didn't win the lottery but I feel like I've won something better.

Now I just feel like time is going by so slow. But that is usually the case when I'm not in the middle of something involving TTC. Timing still might not work out because of the work trip I have this month and I keep telling myself that it will be ok to have to wait out another cycle, but I know I will be very disappointed if that happens. I could use the time to eat better and lose the 10 pounds that I have gained over the last 3-4 months since my surgery & starting TTC.

I really don't have much else going on. Sorry, I'm a bit boring at the moment. I'll check in again if I have anything note worthy.