I just saw a girl a few minutes ago here at work that I haven't talked to in a while and she asked me how "The Baby Thing" was going. I told her that it wasn't going very well. That every time I turn around I seem to have more fertility issues. I told her that in 6 short months I've had 2 major procedures and have acquired over $20,000 in debt. I said right this second we're taking a break.
She jumped straight to "Haven't you two thought about adoption?" Typical straight person response. Typical response from someone who didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I said that we haven't thought about it because until now we didn't think we would have to think about it, but maybe we will discuss it after we have thought everything through.
Then she said out of the blue...."It's not like you two can try on your own" as she's pointing to her self as if to say our problem is we're missing a penis. I couldn't stop myself, but I said STRAIGHT PEOPLE SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT! I said that our problem isn't the lack of a penis it's fertility issues and what she said was rude.
I felt the tears welling up. I felt an anger that I don't know that I've felt in a very long time. I was in shock.
Of course she tried to apologize. She said she considers me "a good friend". Bullshit! Good friend my ass.
8 years ago
Wow. Straight people often do say the stupidest and often insensitive things. I find often it's very smug. Sorry she was such an ass. Hope the rest of your day goes better.
ReplyDeleteUgh. How awful! I am so impressed that you stood up for yourself. I cannot fathom how some people feel perfectly comfortable giving unasked for and un-educated advice.
ReplyDeleteFor reasons none of us really understand, the "have you thought about adoption" question is probably the MOST asked stupid question regarding lesbians ttc. I don't know why but I've heard it, we all have heard it, and not always be the dumb ones. I always want to answer sarcastically, like: "Gee! Adoption! I NEVER thought of that!?!"
ReplyDeletewow. good for you to say that - I am upset for you! Why do straight people have to be sooo cluless? If she was that good of a friend she wouldn't have to ask how the "baby thing" was going. idiot...screw her.
ReplyDeleteugh - good for you for telling her like it is.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to deal with all that emotional stuff at work of all places.
And my next retort to the adoption question is going to be - "adoption? what's that?"
hugs!xoxoxo
Ugh, how awful! I can't stand it when people don't think. Good for you for speaking up.
ReplyDeletegood for you saying what you felt. if she really *wants* to be a friend she is going to have to actually look at her assumptions as a straight person and as someone who has not faced infertility problems. perhaps the shock of having it brought to her attention will startle her into it... or she will avoid you :(
ReplyDeleteso many people have asked me the adoption question... even though i am not opposed to adopting a child, i wish that people didn't relate like it is the SAME or a substitute that i *just didn't think of* i find it upsetting as well.
i just want to smack her...
I am so far behind in my reading that I just read your last 5 posts all in a row. Life can be so very crappy sometimes can't it? It sounds to me like you have a great plan in place and are setting yourself up for success. Keep your chin up and know that we are all rooting for you two.
ReplyDeletePS. What a dumb bit@h she is. Maybe you should have responded "I have thought about adoption but stealing your baby seems like a much easier plan." ;)
Ugh! i feel your pain. i went through the same convo with my sister a week ago. Not sure if you saw my blog post from a few days ago....you should check it out. It's called something like, "Another disturbing call with my sister."
ReplyDeleteWhat really pisses me off about the "Why dont you just adopt?" remark, after we explain we've tried for a year with no success....is that straight people must think WE are so simple, and that gay women cannot possibly TRULY want a child of their own. that's something just straight people want, right?
My mom once told me "Gay people who want kids just really need dogs." Nice. there is nothing wrong with adoption at all, and we even consider it an option. but i get upset when straight people don't respect that we often desire to have our own children just as much as they do. it's not an easy decision to adopt for some people. it's like straight people can't comprehend that many of us will try until the cows come home, to get pregnant and experience that form of motherhood. so sorry you had to deal with that rudeness.
I am so sorry you had to endure this. One of our very best (straight) friends, when we first wanted to get started on this, would vehemently push adoption on us. She couldn't understand why we would ever try to get pregnant when we could adopt. I eventually had to sit down with her and explain that we too have biological clocks and even want out own offspring. Imagine that! She hasn't brought it up since, but it was a sore spot for a long time with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you said something. The only way she'll ever learn is if you are honest with her.
"Why don't you just adopt" is the stupidist thing that fertile people say to infertile people, regardless of their sexual orientation.
ReplyDeleteBut "our problem isn't lack of a penis" is the funniest response I've heard in a long time, and being straight means I probably am not going to get to use it. Good for you for giving it to her. She deserved it.