Monday, February 16, 2009

The Bad News Just Keeps Coming...

TTC Update...

First my cycle did start early. Just what I was hoping wouldn't happen. But I went in for a baseline ultrasound this morning to see if we could still proceed with things this cycle and that would be a big fat NO! I have a huge cyst on the right side AGAIN. My RE thinks the endometriosis is back. It's only been 5 months since my surgery but that doesn't seem to matter.

So I was put on birth control again this morning to slow down or stop the endometriosis until we decide what we should do next.

Here are our choices...
  1. Ignore the cyst and keep trying.
  2. Have surgery again to clean out the endometriosis that came back and then start back with IUI's again.
  3. Go straight to IVF. That route would consist of a month on birth control, 3 months on another drug that would shrink the endometriosis and then start the IVF protocol.
  4. Get K checked out and consider switching from me to her.
  5. Stop everything all together.

I think we've already decided that options 1 & 2 are actually not an option. This as you will see below by the cost already is just us throwing good money after bad. My RE thinks that going the IUI route with the issues I'm having is only giving me a 5% chance of success. IVF would give me a 33%-40% chance of success.

For really only 1 try that we have had the cost looks like this:

  • $1,300 - My portion of the endometriosis surgery.
  • $1,300 - Donor Sperm
  • $10,000 - A line of credit taken out for IUI's and fertility drugs.
  • $8,800 - To open Tubes. I had no idea it was going to cost this much. I was expecting $2,000 - $3,000.
    Total: $21,400
    Still have: $5,000
  • Total cost out of pocket for basically 1 try has cost $16,400

I have no idea what to do. I feel like such a failure. I know how bad K wants a baby. She would be an amazing parent. I really don't want to stop. Part of me really believes that if we stopped and we let this dream go it could impact our relationship in a negative way that I don't know if we would bounce back. We have a very strong relationship but I don't know if it could survive the regret and anger that would come from this failed dream.

So, here I sit. On hold again. Fighting the horrible feeling that we are drowning in debt, K's not working at the moment and the regret that we have made so many bad decisions up to this point over 13 years that we have ruined our chances of starting the family that we have always talked about.


  1. Oh, I am so sorry that you have gotten more bad news. In terms of whether you should have done things differently... who knows? I think we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.

    As I read your post, I can almost feel your heartbreak at the thought of stopping. My advice, consider options 3 and 4. Give yourself and few days and you will know what is the right choice for your family.

    Sending strength and courage to you both.

  2. oh, hon. i am sending you big, big hugs. your post is heartbreaking.

    im with cindy in voting for #3 or 4. we couldn't afford IVF either, so put the bills on a credit card w/no interest or payments until mid-2010. probably insane, but we had to try. . .

  3. I'm so sorry. I beat myself up all the time for my choices. The big ones, like why did I wait so long and start TTC when I was so old, and the little ones, like why did I buy so much sperm on our credit card and drive up our debt, or why did I start with that doctor instead of this one, or ..... and it goes on and on, why did we move here and make the employment choices we've made, and ..... it never stops. It is so unproductive. So PLEASE treat yourself gently. Please stop beating yourself up for "bad decisions." It just doesn't help. Love yourself through this. (Easier to say than do, I know.) Sounds like choices 3 and 4 are the only viable ones at this point. Take a couple days to breathe, re-consider, discuss with K, and make a new plan. Thinking of you. xoxoxo

  4. Hon, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I can feel your despair through your post.
    I'm hoping that you and K. can come to a decision that you're both comfortable with, not rushing into anything.


  5. hey hon, i am so sorry about the bad news. :( :( :( im not sure what i would do in your shoes. perhaps REALLY have them check out the possibility of endometriosis....if your insurance would cover part of the surgery, it may be worth getting it again - whether you continue iui or go to ivf. i have a hysteroscopy in nov, and im already worried the polyps are growing back....and may need surgery again soon. sucks.
    my thoughts are with you, and i hope things improve in your TTC journey. xoxo

  6. Oh gosh - I know what you mean about more and more bad news!
    That is so heartbreaking - and I know what you mean about wondering if you waited too long. I feel like that too and I am way older than you are. It's so painful second guessing yourself.
    I guess you either have no insurance or bad insurance - you have spent so much on this already - I know - it's painful. Please try not to beat yourself up about it. We do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time. If I had had a clue how fertility decreases with age I would never have waited this long - but I didn't. My suggestion would be either for you to go to IVF or for K to get checked out. Are you the one who was always the designated "carrier" or have you guys been more flexible?
    If you guys want a family maybe it will be okay if she is able to carry - you can still have kids. I know it's a process - evolving every time you get knocked back and disappointed - and every time you have to adjust and figure out how you are going to deal with it this time. I am so sorry you have come to this point after all the setbacks and problems. We are so innocent at the beginning of this and we become more jaded with every experience.
    One of my friends said to me: if you really want kids, don't use all your resources doing something that probably won't work. At the time I wondered why, but I think she was trying to say that we should not throw all our money at a tiny percent chance of me getting pregnant when there were other ways. You are probably not ready to think about that yet - I know I am just beginning to get there.
    I truly believe you will have your family - I wish it could be the way you want it - by carrying your and K's baby. take care.Sorry to ramble on - and I hope I didn't offend you. I didn't want to do the "have you thought about adoption" speech!!
    oh and i hope the job situation improves:)xoxox

  7. Oh... so so sorry. I wish this were easier, and I'm sorry it's so overwhelming. Hoping that clarity (or at least hope) visits your mind soon and helps you decide the "what nexts." In the meantime, thinking good thoughts for you.

  8. Boo to the cyst. It's times like these when the gravity of situations just starts spinning and compressing everything denser and closer to you that you feel you're going to be crushed by it all.

    You will be okay. That's some debt but it's nothing you can't pay off in due time. I have plenty of friends with two or three times that amount of debt for degrees they've never even used, and houses they don't even like. You're going to be okay. Take a big ol' deep breath.

  9. I am really sorry Amy. I know that you and K will come up with a plan that is best for you two. I know there are really no words to make it all better but I am sending you all my support with whatever decision you guys make. *Hugs*

  10. Oh my word! I don't know how I missed this post. I'm so very sorry. I wish the sh*t train would just loose your address. This is not by any means fair. I hope hope hope that the stork finds you somehow.