Thursday, April 30, 2009

Nobody's treated the same...

I've noticed something odd now that K is the one "trying". She is getting treated so much better by the staff at our RE's office then I ever did. I wasn't treated horrible, but it is very clear to me that there really is a difference.

For example. My first IUI I felt like I was just cattle getting rushed through and it was wam bam thank you mam. K's first IUI was slow and gentle. Everything was explained to her and the nurse did everything to make her feel comfortable.

Another example. My Day 3 ultrasound for my Try #1 we found a random cyst. The nurse told me without hesitation that I wouldn't be able to try that cycle and we'd check again the next month. I was devastated. After all I had done to finally get to my first try I couldn't believe it. It was on my way out the door from that appointment that she mentioned that a blood test could be done to see if that cyst would interfere, but I should save my money. Of course I did take the blood test and I was able to try and even though it came back BFN at least I tried. K had that same nurse yesterday for her Day 3 ultrasound and a random cyst was found. That same nurse took the time to explain it to her and still proceeded with everything as if she would be able to try this cycle and offered up that blood test immediately. Oh, I should also mentioned that she also gave K her injectable meds for free. Just handed them to her.

It's like night and day the difference in how we were both treated. K doesn't go to any appointment by herself. I have been there holding her hand every time. I, on the other hand, had to go alone to every appointment except the IUI. So, there I am going through all of that for the first time alone and not knowing what to expect and I wasn't given the time of day. K's got obvious support from someone who has been through it and they are treating her like she's all alone and needs all this extra attention.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe...


  1. I do think we are more vulnerable when we're the ones on our backs with our legs in the air, so your perception (already having all the knowledge that you have) might be a little different .... BUT .... I do not think for a minute you are making this up (especially since it is the same nurse acting different this time around) .... what do you think the difference is?? Is it that you were alone, and K has you there, has a witness, so the staff is on better behavior? Do you think they thought you were single and are treating her better because she is in a couple? Normally I see anti-lesbian bias all around me, but I think I really should be more sensitive to the anti-single woman bias, too. I think single mothers by choice get a LOT of shit/prejudice thrown at them. What do you think is going on, why is K getting better treatment????? would be very curious to hear what you think the explanation is.

  2. You bring up a good point. Maybe it is because I am there to witness the treatment so she is making sure she is on her best behavior. She knew I was part of a couple and not trying to be a single Mom so I don't think it's that. During K's first try I joked about her getting better treatment but after she had the same exact thing happen that I did and we were treated so differently I started feeling bad about it. At least K's being treated good. That means more to me.

  3. Well, I am really sorry that you weren't treated well. It is bullshit. This process is hard enough without the crap we sometimes have to endure from the staff/docs/etc. But I wouldn't be surprised if you being there, totally empowered and experienced, doesn't make them be on their best behavior with K. I wish it didn't take a "witness" to make them behave.

  4. wow -that is so shitty. Have you thought about mentioning it to the nurse or the practice manager - it might be worth a try?
    Does K know how you feel about this? It might at least help you if you felt she understood and acknowledged the difference in the way you were treated?
    Hope you feel better and get a BFP to sweeten the deal:)

  5. That does sound very different. I would be annoyed, too. Here's hoping you are on to the OB this cycle :)

  6. Wow, I hadn't thought about that until you wrote this. M and I had the same RE, but at different clinics (she moved to the fancier clinic in the three years between tries). She was treated rather bizarrely, even though I was at her side for every appointment. In contrast, I've always been treated really well (aside from the bumbling three-ring circus of my last cycle) regardless of M's presence. Sometimes even better on my own.

    I think in our case it might have to do with gender presentation. M gets called "sir" sometimes, is always assumed to be gay, and she acts tough when she's uncomfortable (like at the RE's). My gender presentation is entirely different, I have to come out all the time, and I show vulnerability pretty easily.

    I wish it weren't that way at your clinic. It's not fair to you, especially after all the pain you've been through and the feelings you've worked through about changing uteri. I'm sorry that's happening.

    I would definitely give them that feedback, although being the wimp that I am I would do it at the exit interview. Here's hoping that exit interview comes quickly.

  7. thats really odd, i wonder what is going on... im sorry you didnt get better treatment, this process is hard enough without the nursing staff making it more difficult!

  8. I think that is horrible that a clinic is treating patients so differently. It is a hard road regardless of the person and to feel isolated is wrong. So sorry that you had have these feelings and are struggling with something that you shouldn't have to deal with. Oy vey, when will people understand! It is just like my crappy doctor who fileted my insides last month, but my nurse was amazing and said quote, "I will be the one taking care of you. We won't even bother her (the RE)..." without my nurse, I really don't think I would be preggers right now. Holy crap, I'm pregnant--it is still hiting me.

  9. That is really weird and disturbing to know you are treated so differently. It's also incredibly unfair to have to go through so much (alone), come to grips with the outcome and then experience something like this.
    I would say something, or write a letter to the head of the department and just get it off my chest.
    I had to do that once (not at my clinic) and wow, did things ever change. It's empowering if you are so inclined.

  10. That's so awful that you're receiving that kind of treatment. Given the fact that you have done this before in the other role and often times alone only adds to the sting.

    To your point that "maybe I'm just feeling sorry for yourself", even if that does have something to do with it I think you have every right to! You have been through a lot and switched roles in this journey which is not easy. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember that any feelings you have are valid.

  11. It makes me so mad that you are having to go through this. While I am glad that K is being treated well, it is not fair that you were treated with kess kindness, After giving it some thought, J and I have been treated differently also. At our 1st clinic, we were treated equally as a couple. At clinic 2 I was treated better (I am more femme). Now at the Big Business Clinic, J is treated better. Go figure! It does suck though.