Delivery Date

Or delivery date just past. This was a very hard Christmas!  We came home on the 26th and knew we wanted to do something different on our delivery date instead of dwelling on the death of our twins.  So we got a room at the Crown Plaza in Bloomington. We relaxed, went to the movies, a nice dinner and spent some quality and uninterrupted time together for a couple days.
It's time to pull things together. Our next try is January 22nd.
I hope everyone who has been in my life from this blog all these years had a wonderful holiday. This had been a very long journey and writing this blog as a record of it all means a lot to me.
More later.

IVF #4 Scheduled

January 22nd is the next try. This one will be a frozen embryo transfer as well.

We are apart of the Attain Program. If you don't know what that is....It is a "shared risk" program where basically I pay for 2 fresh tries and if I got pregnant on the first try I over pay. That is my risk. Their risk is for the cost of 2 fresh tries I get 3 fresh tries and 3 frozen tries. That is their risk. If it takes me more then the cost of 2 fresh tries to get pregnant they have over paid. And if I go through all 6 tries and end up with no baby at all I get my money back. That is also their risk. Looks like we will bet getting the better end of the deal with how things have been going. If my twins carried to term I would have over paid and I would have gladly over paid.....

Well, anyway I got a call today from the financial people and they wanted to make sure since this is my 3rd frozen transfer I only have 2 fresh tries left after the January 22nd try. I actually got sad from that call. It's so hard after such a devastating loss like having my twins die in my arms to stay hopeful that one of these tries is going to work out. I want it to. My body is ready to be pregnant, there is nothing medically wrong. I've been checked over and over so now all I need is for an embryo to implant again. We know what went wrong with the twins and we have a plan to prevent it from happening again but I need these doctors to get me pregnant again.

I am not looking forward to Christmas. Actually I'm very anti-Christmas these days but I'll go through the motions. Other then that there is nothing much going on here.

more later...

IVF #3 - BFN

It didn't happen this time.  I'm not pregnant.  We will try again.  Probably another frozen embryo transfer and then if that one doesn't work we'll go to another fresh try.  That's what we think the plan is at the moment anyway.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all.  I think it would have helped us on December 28th when our delivery date hit to be pregnant again and have that to look forward to rather then now only having our loss to mourn on that day. 

I need to diet.  I need to stop eating out of depression.  I have to pull it together better.  It's hard knowing I should still be pregnant.  It's hard with our delivery date only days away.  But I'm strong and it will happen.

Until next time....

Everything went well....

Everything went well on Monday so now all we can do is wait and see if it took. 

I'm hopeful but I'm not letting myself get carried away.  I know I'm guarded but after everything I've been through I'm afraid to let down the walls until after the pregnancy test.

Please throw out some good vibes for a positive outcome.

IVF #3 Scheduled

IVF is scheduled for Monday December 1st.  I'm having mixed emotions about it.  I want to be happy.  I am happy but I know I'm still grieving the loss of my sons and then being pumped up on hormones isn't good.

My delivery date for the boys is only a month away.  I'm hoping to be pregnant for that date.  I think it would make things a little easier somehow. 

Please think of me Monday and send good thoughts. 

Thanks

IVF going forward

I'm finally getting some good news.  I had an ultrasound today that still showed my ovary overreacting and there are some follicles that shouldn't be there BUT the good news is they are not producing estrogen so we can move forward. 

I start meds today.  I have an ultrasound on the 25th for a lining check and then the transfer will be December 1st.

Fingers crossed I could be getting another positive pregnancy test in 4 weeks. 

More Difficulties

My body doesn't seem to be cooperating but I don't blame it after everything it has been through.  I'm now on provera and then I'll start lupron in hopes that my next ultrasound will be good.  It not then we cancel this IVF cycle. 

That's all I have.  Short and sweet.

It's Go Time again....

10/14/14  The trail transfer and saline sonogram went well today.  Everything still seems on track.

10/13/14  We are officially starting IVF #3.  In roughly 6 weeks from now I'll be back on the table for another transfer.  I'm feeling a little conflicted.  I'm happy that I'm trying again but so sad that I have to be in this position and why I'm in this position.

All I want to do is look to the future.  My future is now testing for my surge, ordering meds, getting a saline sonogram, making appointments for accupuncture, etc.

It's all about seeing the good.

My Sons...

First a brief update:  I was released by the OB yesterday...check.  Monday I meet with the RE to discuss restarting our next IVF try.  That sums up my update.

My most exciting thing is I have a picture of my sons.  A sharable picture of my sons.  I was referred to an artist who sketches the most beautiful portraits.  The best part of this is I got to meet my sons, see their beautiful faces, hold them and talk to them and now others can see their beautiful faces.

So, I'd like to introduce you to my sons Ty and Noah

Relationships change after death....

When I got pregnant with twins relationships in my life started to change. A few friends with children came back into my life. I got along with my mother for the first time....EVER. I believe it was my sons that made it possible for me tolerate her. They made me a nicer person. A more forgiving person. I was a different person. They made me eat healthier and gave me an aversion to sugar. They made me funny and witty. And now they are gone.

I'm back to not liking anything about my mother. I'm once again seeing all her annoying traits and she is saying all the wrong things and there is nothing I can do about it but go back to avoiding her. The few friends with children that were back in my life have left again. I'm back to being intolerant of most people, crabby, and eating all the junk food I can get my hands on. I'm tying like hell to not become the bitter and hateful person I was for so many years. I find myself feeling sorry for myself. Boohoo my babies died, boohoo I don't have children, boohoo my parents didn't go to my wedding, boohoo nobody in my family acknowledged my wedding or attended the family party for that wedding 16 years ago, boohoo I'm poor because I've spent all my money on fertility treatments to just end up broke, bitter and babyless. BOOHOO!

The positive thing is my high school best friend who I had been growing apart from for years actually stepped up and showed she can still be the friend she used to be and listen to me tell her my story and my guilt and was just comforting. That put life back into that friendship. I've also been lucky enough to have an old friend come back into my life that has been so supportive and has helped me so much. She went through losing twin boys 5 years ago so she gives me a level of understanding that so many other people are unable to. Not that I would wish this on anyone but this is a very lonely place and she helps me feel not so alone. And then there is the girl I work with. I've only known her since April, I don't think we would ever hang out together outside of work but she has become a very important part of my day. I have cried to her, I tell her about what is making me sad or mad at that moment and she says nothing. She just listens. That is a gift.

Now, back to the bad.... I have a very small family. The list consists of Mom, Dad, Brother, Aunt, Uncle and Niece. That's the list of immediate family that is in my life anyway. I have a couple more aunts and some cousins that don't talk to me or my family (that's a whole other story). Then there is the extended family that I barely talk to because they are 2nd cousins or something like that. From my short list of family my parents have been supportive (which should be a given) I didn't hear from my brother until just this past Saturday which was 4 weeks and 2 days after losing my babies. I heard from my niece Sunday, 4 weeks and 3 days after losing my babies, and I heard from my Uncle Monday (yesterday), 4 weeks and 4 days after losing my babies. So, anyone who is blood relative to me waited over a month to contact me. No cards, no flowers, no calls.... My Uncle's wife made a comment on facebook with over a 100 other people which to me doesn't count. Facebook is for old high school friends, distant relatives, etc. Facebook is ok if it's a private message through facebook. That's ok. That's at least a place you can say something personal or meaningful if you must use facebook.

When my Uncle contacted me last night (via text) I told him last night wasn't good to talk. So, I get to have that conversation tonight. Last night I was two drinks in and I probably would have been mean or too emotional. My goal is to have a nice conversation without throwing it in his face that it took him over a month to call me.

I read a story on facebook about a woman who lost a son and she talked about how her address book changed. It was very true.

Now to end on a good note. I have Kathy. I love her. She is my life and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Even if I didn't have the few friends that I have I know I'd still be fine because I have her. She protects me and I protect her. I'm loved and that is all that matters.

.......

I feel like I'm dying. ....

My Story

I wasn't going to write such an honest and detailed story but I feel I owe it to myself.  I owe it to my children.  I am a parent.  I am a parent forever.  It may have only been for 4 hours but I am now and will forever be a parent.  I believe people still look at me as not being a parent, but I will never agree with that.

August 27th I wasn't feeling well.  I was going through a lot of work stress but otherwise I never thought it was anything serious.  That same night around 10pm when I was going to bed I was very uncomfortable.  I felt a lot of pressure that I really thought it just was constipation.  I had run out of the constipation medicine a day or two before so I really really thought that was why I was uncomfortable. 

I had a terrible night.  All I kept thinking about was how I just had to get through the night, get to the store for some medicine (or prune juice) and get some relief.  Never once did the word labor ever come into my mind.  I wish it had.  I wish just once so I would have run to an ER.  So, I'll get this out of the way.....I feel like it is all my fault.  I know deep in my heart if I knew it was labor I was feeling I could have changed the result of what happened.  I will have this guilt forever.

I was up again at 4am August 28th and when I crawled back into bed my water broke.  Again, I'm going to show how naive I am....I had no clue my water broke.  My first thought was...I wet myself.  How stupid is that???  Take away my woman card right now because at this point I do not deserve it.

As soon as my water broke we rushed to United Hospital and I was wheeled up to Labor & Delivery.  AGAIN I was wondering "Why am I going there???  I'm not delivering!"  They gave me an ultrasound and both babies at that point were still alive with strong heartbeats.  So even at that point I didn't think I was in labor or that things wouldn't work out.

But then the contractions started.  I'm in my room getting pain medication to give me some relief from the pain and it hits me...I'm in labor (because at this point nobody has said the word labor to me or has told me what's going on)  I start to freak out saying someone has to come in and stop the contractions from happening.

After hours of laying there waiting for the whole story to find out what was happening to me we were finally told that Baby A's (Ty) water broke and Baby B (Noah) couldn't be saved.  We waited for our doctor to arrive before delivering.  Ty was already dead.  He died in my body waiting to be delivered.  Noah was born alive and lived 2 1/2 hours.  I heard his little voice when he was born.  He cried a little. It was a beautiful sound.  

With the premature labor I was in at home as well as the entire day at the hospital I was in labor a total of 17 hours.  I got an epidural and delivered two of the most beautiful boys I have ever seen in my life.  We had them with us, holding them, talking to them, and kissing them for 4 hours.  I'm so happy I met them and got to say goodbye.

Kathy was wonderful.  So strong and supportive.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have her.  This was my story which is still hard to really sort out.  She has a story.  She relives the entire thing over and over again.  I know this story is about me but I have not forgotten about her.  I never forget about her but I will not speak for her. 

I still don't know if I did my story justice but there it is. 

We have just started going to a grief counseling group.  We are going to walk in the 5K for infant loss.  And the hospital is having a memorial service that we will be attending for our boys.  I'm glad we have these things.

Thanks for listening everyone.

The unthinkable happened...

I don't know how much I'll be able to type. I don't even think many people even read this blog anymore. It has been more of place for me then anything.

Since there are people I know in real life that read this there are things about what happened that I just can't put in the blog but I need to record the update.

On August 28th we lost the babies. I went into early labor, my water broke and there was nothing they could do. I was in labor 17 hours and delivered both babies who we named Ty Robert and Noah Robert. Ty was still born but Noah was alive and lived for almost 3 hours. We held them both and tried to cherish the small amount of time we had.

It has been devastating and neither one of us are in anyway doing well.

The only other thing I will add is we do plan on trying again. We went into saying no regrets which is why we did the attain program. Multiple tries so we didn't walk away from this without knowing we did everything we could.

That's all I can say for now.

5 Months

I'm 5 months pregnant today with twins and even though I feel very pregnant I don't look very pregnant. I'm only up about 4 pounds at this point.  I know that will change but honestly I'm very happy I haven't gained too much.

I recently saw a specialist because I'm so high risk and the babies are doing great.

I think the morning sickness is getting a little better. Not perfect yet but not as bad as it has been.

I wanted to attach a couple u/s pictures but I can't figure it out from my phone. I'll post those another day.

OB Visit #2

Babies are doing well.  They are still measuring bigger then normal. 

They did see that my cervix is short or small or something like that.  This I guess is bad because this can cause premature labor, blah blah blah.

I'm back on progesterone to help keep the cervix where it's at or hopefully stronger then what it is. 

I feel like the babies are going through a growth spurt.  At 16 weeks I'm finally up a few pounds and I have a definite baby bump.

Otherwise life is good. 

I hope all is good with everyone in blogland.

Small Update

Not a whole lot happening but here's an update anyway.

My wife made the pregnancy "Facebook official". It was very sweet and everyone is very happy for us.

My morning sickness has progressed to actual throwing up daily.

I have a definite baby bump now but thankfully I still fit in most of my clothes. But I'll admit maternity jeans are much more comfortable.

That's about it in my work.

Baby Update

Yesterday was 13weeks 2days. I had my first OB appointment and ultrasound.

The BABIES are doing GREAT! They are active and moving constantly. Their little arms and legs are moving and they are flipping around like little performers.

Twin A is on the left head down. Twin B is on the right head up. They are measuring bigger then normal. Twin A measured at 14weeks and Twin B measured at 13weeks 5days.

I previously posted about my bad experience at my OB office when I went to see them at 5 weeks because of some issues I was having. So, I went into this appointment a bit on edge and cautious. I'm happy to say the Nurse practitioner I saw redeemed some of the ill will I had from that last appointment. She was really good. I left with everything spelled out and my entire treatment plan set.

I really needed this appointment and ultrasound.  I really needed to see the babies, see they are doing well and that all the sick days and exhaustion is actually for something. 

First Trimester is OVER

Today I officially start my 2nd trimester.  I'm officially off all fertility drugs and feeling a little better.

I have an appointment for an ultrasound next week.

Things are good.

Update

Things are going well.  The extreme exhaustion I have been feeling for the last few weeks has been getting better.  The rash I had from all the hormones at weeks 4-6 is gone.  I'm getting bigger but the scale hasn't gone up which is good.  But it's hard to gain weight when your nauseous all the time.

Life is good.  I have the best wife in the world that is taking very good care of me.  I'm very lucky.

Almost all of the family knows about the babies.  There is only one side of K's family that we rarely see that doesn't know but we are seeing them the end of July.  By then I should be showing pretty good.

I've already started buying maternity clothes.  I'm not finding a lot I like but I want to be prepared.  All I keep getting told is with twins I'm getting to get bigger faster and I don't want to be left with nothing that fits because I hate to shop.

My last appointment at the fertility doctor I believe will be next Wednesday.  I should be fully released after that last blood test. 

My first OB appointment (and next ultrasound) is July 8th.

I hope all is well out in blogland.  Until next time.

Morning Sickness

Morning Sickness has started and it's all day  :(

People say it's a good sign.  I just feel exhausted and nauseous.  I've been released from the fertility doctor and now I'm trying to make an appointment with my OB.  Which is a pain in the ass.  You can't just call them and make an appointment.  It's an ordeal.  I actually got transferred to the nurses line and haven't called back yet.  I may need to start looking for another OB.  I really don't want to do that because I have a lot of history with this office, but I also can't be stressed out either.

That's my only update at the moment. 

TWINS!!!

I'm happy to report we are having TWINS!!  Everything looks great.  Strong heartbeats. 

Life is good!

Ultrasound today...

I leave in 8 minutes for the ultrasound!!  I'm nervous.  I'll update when I get back.

Thanks for all the support and well wishes!  I can't believe the texts & messages I've received about today.  I'm terrible at remembering things for others so for people to remember me has been very heart warming.

I'll be back!!

2nd Beta 721

Everything looks good.  Beta today is 721.  I get my levels checked Monday and our first ultrasound on May 28th.

3 weeks and I'll know if it's one or two....

Strong BETA - 344

My first BETA at what I was told was 4 weeks 1 day was 344.  I have another beta tomorrow and that is all they are scheduling.  I know people who have 3 beta checks but my appointment after my beta tomorrow is only to check my hormone levels.  I haven't been given any information on an ultrasound yet but I'm looking forward to that.

So, it's official....We are very pregnant.  And with a beta of 344 the nurse says it could be twins.  We'll see. 

WE ARE PREGNANT!

After 18 years together, two weddings, 6 years of fertility, two IVF..... We are pregnant!

My official beta is tomorrow but Friday we decided to test early and the hpt was positive at day 12. I tested yesterday and again. ...positive!  I'll test again today just so I can see it again.

I feel great. I'm tired but otherwise great. 

There is no question I'm pregnant but there is one big question. ... is there one or two? 

I'll update tomorrow with the beta number.

Twinges

This could all be in my head but I'm feeling stuff in my lower abdomen that I can only describe as twinges.  Especially when I'm driving.  I just think the baby(s) like the motion of the car.

My last IVF I felt something similar and I was technically pregnant even though it didn't last.  This time the feeling is much stronger and more often.  It could be something or it could be nothing.  But it gives me hope.

My test is Monday. 

Now we wait

IVF #2 complete and now we wait for the results. We are very hopeful for a positive!

Please send good thoughts our way. 

Shots

The shots start again today for this next IVF cycle.  I'm sure most of you can relate to this but I'm looking forward to it.  With every shot I feel closer to a goal that we have been working toward for a very long time.  It makes me feel like at least something is happening.

We are so busy this next 2 1/2 months and right in the middle of that is our transfer which just says I have nothing to complain about.  I feel like life is really good.  Everything we have going on is all fun stuff with great friends and family.  Wedding shower, 2 weddings, my birthday and a long weekend in Florida.  If I'm going to have problems those are the ones to have....hahaha!

My life went through such a rough spot a few years ago that I never thought I'd get past or would never change.   I'm lucky that it is all behind me and I can feel complete joy again.

More to come.

Starting again

The process starts again.  My meds arrive tomorrow.  Blood work next week and the ultrasounds are scheduled. 

It's nice to start the process not so sick this time.  Not coughing up a lung every 5 minutes.

We have decided to transfer 2 embryos.  We feel really good about our decision.  We know twins are a lot of work but we are ok if that is the result.

Fingers crossed for us.  This has been a very long journey.

More to come.

Planning Round 2

Finally heard from the baby doctor.  Looks like we can't get IVF #2 scheduled for a few months.  End of April.  All the appointments are taken for this cycle.  So, I have to wait until next. 

I'm surprisingly good with waiting.  I think the break will do me good. 

Even though our first IVF didn't work I feel really good that the embryo embedded.  I feel good that I got pregnant at all even though it didn't last.  But what I don't feel good about is being so sick through the whole process.  Coughing so much and being so miserable.  I'm looking forward to another chance to enjoy the process instead of only thinking about how sick I felt.

More to come later.

Bad New Received.....

Well, it turns out I was wrong but the end result will be the same.

Turns out I am actually pregnant.  The embryo implanted.  BUT my beta is only a 3. That is not good.  Looks like the pregnancy isn't going to make it.  I retest again Thursday morning to see if there is any chance at all, but I'm not counting on it.  Not trying to be a negative person.  I'm just a realist. 

Expecting bad news....

Because I'm a very impatient person I took a home test last night and this morning.  Both negative.  I went in for the blood test this morning.  The woman taking my blood asked me if I tested and when I told her yes and it was negative she actually gave me her condolences.  Of course she back peddled and told me maybe my levels weren't high enough to register, but she knew just like me that it must not have worked. 

Thankfully we have prepaid for multiple tries.  Thankfully we have 7 frozen embryos.  We will try again. 

If by some miracle the blood work is actually positive I'll write again.  Otherwise I'll check in again later. 

It's finally here

It's finally going to happen.  IVF.  This Sunday.  My donor (the awesome & generous anonymous woman) has given us 18 eggs and as of today 16 have fertilized and are growing.  I'll have another update on Saturday and given the time for our appointment on Sunday. 

I'll admit that I never thought we'd ever try again.  I'll admit that for years while trying to pull my life back together from the first go round I was just going through the motions.  Saying the right things but not believing it.  Well, it's here.  Now, I know IVF is never a guarantee for success and at the end of all this I still might end up with no baby at all.  But I'm happy to be trying again. 

That's my update.  Short & Sweet.