BFP!!!

Hello all of my dear friends. Well, we did it! 6am this morning K and I got our BFP. Blood test confirmed our results this afternoon.

I want to thank my wonderful friend from Gayby Rabies for the Meds. K responded great to the Gonal-F that neither of us had ever tried before and we believe it was the good luck that topped it all off.

Sorry I haven't written all week. I haven't been able to log in from work and I wanted to so bad tell you all about how K was feeling and all the little symptoms and signs.

I knew you were all pulling for us. It came so clear to me how much our results affect eachother when my friend F from Luckylittle13 called me crying tears of joy from my news. It was the best reaction I could have asked for.

I know you are wondering Beta numbers. Now I don't know much about this stuff, but she tested this morning is was 12 (maybe 13) days past insem and her number was 36. She will test again Monday. She was told anything over 1 is pregnant and anything over 25 is great.

I'm still in shock. I will update you Monday on our next Beta number.

Love you all!

TWW

We're 4 days into our 7th TWW. Insem went flawless. Our new donor sample was 31 million strong. K had 3 perfect follies.

No what if's. No negative thoughts. K wouldn't even let the nurse tell us the RE's plan if this cycle didn't work. She says this is it.

We test on the 31st. All positive thoughts this way... :)

Have a great Christmas everyone!

Lookin Good!

K's u/s this morning looked great. 3 beautiful follies. 2 are 13.5 and 1 at 14.5. We're right on track for a great cycle.

IRL - Things are still really busy for us. I'm back to working both jobs with no limitations anymore. The good thing is I'm feeling so much better. K's working as much as possible.

We're heading back to Chicago again for Christmas. I tried to find a dog sitter so I didn't have to drag the dogs 400 miles again, but that didn't work out. I'm kinda glad since I'd miss them terribly if they weren't with me.

That's about it for us. We're very positive and hopeful for this cycle.

Clean Ultrasound

K had a clean ultrasound yesterday! :) We are back in business.

Thanks to not just a blog friend but an old friend who is now pregnant with triplets we have enough injectable meds to get through this cycle and the next one if needed. But K believes this is the cycle.

Work has been so busy but in this economy I'd rather be busy.

I hope everyone is well and I'll have more updates later.

Update

Hello everyone. I know it's been a while since my last update. There really isn't alot but here's what's new.

K's cyst is still holding on strong so we're keeping her on BCP's for another 2 weeks. We picked a new donor who has only been with CCB for less then a year but already has over 5 reported pregnancies. Good swimmers!! Not to say that is going to make it happen this time, but I think it couldn't hurt. Thanks to one of my friends in blogland we have enough injectable meds for our next try. Our last try will probably be a clomid only try. We haven't totally decided to not buy the injectables for the last try, but if we did that would be another $2,000 and I just don't know if that will be possible. We'll see.

As for me. I'm getting better. I wouldn't have said that last week or even this past weekend, because I was having chest pain. Really more lung pain. I was really afraid that I was getting more clots (PE's) in my lungs. I went for a Chest CT yesterday and I was told that the clots in my lungs have been "resolved". I asked if that means they are gone and they said yes. GREAT NEWS. So, why the pain you ask.... I have pneumonia. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear I have pneumonia but I'll take that over clots anyday. After a week of medicine I'll be much better.

Someone asked me in my last post what is a good email to get a hold of me. I do check theultimategiftak@hotmail.com but not daily. If you want to email me I do check abarnhill29@hotmail.com almost daily. When emailing me please put TTC in the subject because I've had that email so long I get alot of junk so I click, click, click...delete if I don't know who the person is.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

Round 6

After going back and forth about whether to try and again or not we have decided to take advantage of still having insurance that covers most of the cost and try again.

We went in yesterday so K's day 3 u/s and there was a cyst. K will be on BCP's for a couple weeks to calm things down and hopefully that cyst will go away. It looked like it was already starting to break up.

We are also busy trying to pick a new donor.

That's about it for us on the TTC subject.

I'm feeling alot better. I'm taking my blood thinners everyday and taking it easy so my body can do what it needs to do to break down the clots. I go back to working Job #2 this week. Even though I've loved all the time off I'm looking forward to getting back to work.

Here's a good story for you....

I don't know if I mentioned this in my last post but on October 6th I was diagnosed with pneumonia. A week later when I was going back to the doctor for my follow up appointment I wasn't any better. Actually my breathing had gotten worse. At the same time I was experiencing what I thought was a pulled muscle in my right leg. This wasn't the first time I had the leg pain. So, long story short....My doctor sent me to the hospital for 2 tests. 1. An ultrasound of my leg to check for a blood clot. and 2. An CAT SCAN of my chest to check for blood clot(s) in my lungs. The clot in my leg is from mid thigh to my ankle. My lungs are full of multiple clots on both sides. I was immediately admitted and spent a couple days in the hospital.

There is some good news to this situation.
1. K was quickly kicked out of her poor me bad mood and realized that there is more to life.
2. My life was saved. I was a walking time bomb and I was lucky that the clots were stopping in the lungs and not going to my head or heart.
3. K also realized that she does want to go ahead with the last 2 tries.
4. I am taking the right medications (blood thinners) and I'm feeling much better.

We were unable to go on vacation. I can't fly in my condition and I have to be at several doctor's appointments this week. Since K works for the airline we were using 2 free tickets she was saving. Yes free, but they were positive space passes. That's kind of a big deal since we normally fly stand by. We may have lost those tickets. We also had reservations for a couple nights at a really nice hotel that was non-refundable. So, we're talking to the airline to see if under the circumstances they will consider letting us keep the passes and the hotel let us push the dates out a few months. It looks like our vacation will now be the end of January.

I guess the moral of this story is.....Life is too short. That no matter how bad things get they can always get worse. I just want to enjoy life. I still need to bust my ass the next few years to get out of this horrible financial situation but after that I'm done working so much. I'm not worrying.

The next time I post should be back to TTC topics. Just 2 more tries. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't then I believe we're ready to be ok with that. It will be closure.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'm a bit out of touch with everyone. Haven't been able to read anything in over a week, but know I'm thinking of all of you. I'll catch up as soon as I can and I hope to see some BFP's out there.

Just another day at the circus

Things have not been good since my last post. K is having such a hard time with everything. As all of you who have been following our journey for a while know...K got laid off last January. Now that the baby thing didn't work she is not just dealing with that loss, but now the realization that she doesn't have a full time job making what she made as an electrician. Oh, and lets not forget the fact that there really aren't any jobs out there either. The anger and depression has set in. Nothing I say helps. I'm taken wrong at every turn and god forbid I actually get stressed out because then everything starts to fall apart. So I stay up beat and hopeful which I think just annoys her. At least when she was TTC she felt like she had a purpose. She was working on a dream. That dream crashed and burned.

K's been going back and forth about a couple more tries. We have some leftover Bravelle and figured that for a mere $3000 we could get everything we need for 2 more tires which would run out her insurance and then be done. But as of yesterday (which was a terrible day) she doesn't even want to do that now.

We are leaving for vacation on Saturday. I'm really hoping that some relaxation does her some good. I know I need it.

This has been such a terrible year. Horrible. I know it will get better. I know this thing with K will pass. I know a job will come and money will come and hopefully when all is said and done K can still find happiness even without a child. But it's sure won't be a joyride waiting for that day to get here.

Just another BFN...

It's another NO this cycle and yes, that is sad. But what is even more sad is that I think we've decided to stop trying.

While talking about our next try we decided to go through our finances. With everything laid out in front of us it was such a shock and such a wake up call to just how much we have spent on this already. What we owe because of TTC already.

I have no idea if we'll change our minds and go for another try or two. I doubt it, but I guess at this point anything is possible.

This is a very sad day in our lives. I hope I can keep on posting. I hope I can continue to be happy for all of my friends who have recently found out they are pregnant, and for the friends who will soon become pregnant. I hope I can get out of this bitter angry hole that I feel is so deep that I can't see any way out. I hope I can find the strength to know I will be living the rest of my life childless like Queerstork did and with as much grace as she did.

I want to thank all of you out there in blogland for all your support and I wish you all the best of luck in your journeys.

Sincerely,
Abby & Kathy

2 more days

The TWW is almost over. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. The progesterone is playing tricks on K. Once second she feels pg and the next second she feels like she has PMS. We don't really talk about it. We aren't getting our hopes up. I think it's so sad when so many bad things have happened when you can't even get excited about trying and to not even allow yourself to have hope that a try is going to work.

We'll test at home tomorrow night because as I've said before I never want a stranger to tell us the news. Especially if it's a BFN. I'd rather let K be prepared for that news and already be in the mindset that we'll be trying again.

I'll update everyone as soon as I know something.

TWW

Both insem's went well. Donor numbers were much better this cycle. Day 1 there were over 25 million and Day 2 was over 21 million.

Our TWW so far has been uneventful. We're not stressing or dwelling over anything.

The RE said that if this one doesn't work he wants us to go one more cycle and if that one also doesn't work he wants to have a consultation. We weren't told more then that. We've talked and we know what direction we will want to go, but there is no sense in concentrating on that because I'm really hoping that it won't go that far and this will be our cycle.

Even though we aren't getting all excited and talking baby names or what the baby room will look like that doesn't mean we aren't still really hoping for the best. It is purely self preservation mode at this point.

We'll test at home Tuesday the 29th and the blood test is Wednesday the 30th. It is out of our hands at this point and just praying alot.

I hope all is well out there in blogland. Talk to you again in a little over a week.

TTC Update

I'm very behind on my TTC update. As I mentioned in my last entry we've had a lot of company and my parents were just in town. That went really well. Probably the best visit I've had with my Mom in years. Not that we aren't close and not that I don't love her. We just don't mesh all the time.

As for TTC.....

We insem today and tomorrow. I feel like time went by really fast and I can't believe it's here already. Which means our TWW will go by really slow. K had definitely 1 probably 2 follicles from the right again. Nothing has come from the left in the last couple of cycles. She had that huge cyst on the left this month. That could be the reason for that.

K and I talked last night about some of how we are feeling and what has been bothering both of us. That I know will help alot get us through this next try.

I know I say this every month but wish us luck, keep your fingers crossed, send us baby dust & good vibes!

A post all about me....

I am feeling a little better and I want to thank all of you for your loving comments and well wishes. It helps so much.

I know how selfish I sounded. I'm better then that and K and I are fine. We're always fine. I'm just having a harder time with this then I thought. I really did want to carry and it makes me feel more broken then ever that I couldn't. I'm also worrying again that I'm really not going to be seen as a real parent to her family. I know this worry has come back because she didn't even mention me when telling her Mom about everything that has been going on. I guess this isn't an US situation. It must be a HER situation. I even had a nightmare the other night. K was pregnant and we were at her Grandma's in Chicago for the baby shower and in my dream I was INVITED to the baby shower that I should have been apart of. All the gifts were to K & Baby not one mention of me. So, when I told K about this dream she looked at me like I was crazy. Like it is ridiculous that I would even think that. Maybe it is ridiculous. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me. It all doesn't matter if she doesn't get pregnant to begin with.

I guess you can tell that even though I think I feel a little better I am still just letting myself be so depressed over all of this. I just have to get past it. Remind myself that this isn't about me. It hasn't been for a very long time. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get over it. This is my life and I just have to accept the reality of it all.

My parents are arriving tomorrow and usually this wouldn't be good news. My parents usually get on my last nerve but I know because of all of this stress I am really looking forward to them being here. They understand my stress and are planning on a stress free long weekend where I will be taken care of and pampered even if it is just for a few days. I really need that.

Wish us luck this month. We really need it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure my blogs will go back to boring TTC events only. I'm not an angry blogger. I feel stupid when I vent. I'll be better soon.

Nothing is ever easy...

K went in for an u/s Friday after she got her blood test done. They wanted it done because she was already spotting and they were jumping the gun because they have her starting meds a day earlier this cycle. She has a cyst. size 22. She was so upset. So, they sent her home and told her to come back on Day 2 in hopes that after AF started it would go away. We went in on Day 2 and it was still there. Not just still there but even bigger. Good news is it is not an estrogen producing cyst and they gave the green light to go ahead this cycle.

K was still so upset. We went to the MN State Fair on Friday and there was a Dad sitting in front of us on the bus on the way home with a little girl maybe 2 years old. He was tickling her belly and she was doing the adorable little giggle. K just started crying. It broke my heart. This was the hardest BFN yet and then to have a cyst. She has been on an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't been letting myself really feel anything. I feel like I have to be the strong one. I'll get a bit teary but I make it go away. Heck, it's not my body this time. I actually question why I even blog anymore. I'm just the "other person". I almost feel like it has nothing to do with me. I only go to every appointment and treat her like a queen. It all doesn't matter. She told her Mom about trying this weekend. She had to. She was so emotional and so crazy that she had to give an explanation. Nowhere in the conversation was I even mentioned. Not a word. Not how good I've been to her, how much I do, how much I'm there for her, etc. Nothing. So, it's just a reminder that I must not matter in this process.

Now that the pity party is over we are trying again. Meds started yesterday Day 2. She is doing 100mg clomid from cd2 - cd6 and 300 mg of bravelle from cd5 - cd9 and possibly longer depending on how the u/s looks on cd10. We'll do 2 insems again and keep our fingers crossed.

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend.

BFN

Trying again... :(

TWW Almost Over

Tonight we test. Tomorrow is the blood test but we always test the day before because I would hate for K to hear from a nurse that it was negative. If her emotional state is any sign or indication then the only thing we could get tonight is a BFP. But as we all know the lovely progesterone does wonders for a person's mood and the process in general so I still just don't know.

That's about it for TTC. I'd write more, but I'm just not talkative lately. I don't know what to say. I'm in a bad mood, tired. The week's going by very slow. K's Mom & Step Dad are in town and driving her crazy. The day after they leave my Parents arrive. All this company is forcing me to take some badly needed time off from working 2 jobs but it doesn't take away all the stress.

I hope all is well with everyone and I will update you tomorrow as soon as I know anything.

1 Week Down

Blood test in 1 week. K's feeling a little different this time. I'm not getting my hopes up because these could all be symptoms from the progesterone. The first week has gone by pretty fast and with everything we have going on I'm thinking week 2 will go by just as fast.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone. This has been a rough one emotionally. It's all starting to take it's toll. But really...is there anything about this that doesn't take it's toll on us??? So, believe me I do realize how stupid that sounded. :-) Oh, well. I just keep moving on. It will work out the way it is meant to in the end. You do everything you can and everything you have the means to do and hope for the best.

That is my deep moment for the day.... Talk to you all again soon. Have a great weekend.

TWW

This is Day 1 of your TWW.

Insems went well Saturday and Sunday. Our Donor had low numbers Saturday. Only 8 million and only 13 million on Sunday. Not great, but I guess not the worst.

Our RE has a new plan if this one doesn't take. We'll be doing a Day 1 or Day 2 baseline u/s and starting meds on Day 2. He wants us to do a combination of clomid & injectibles. I love that our RE is always trying something different. Always a bit more aggressive. But like we told the nurse...This one is going to take so we won't need it. :-)

The blood test is September 4th so I'm hoping for good news for the holiday weekend. K's birthday is Wednesday (the 26th) this would be the best present.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone. Talk to you all soon.

This will be the cycle...

It's very unlike me to not post something between Day 3 and Insem, but things have been crazy.

Here is our TTC update...

K has 1 leading follicle right now with 1 maybe catching up in time. Maybe not. This cycle she had no activity on her left and the usual 1-2 good on the right. We are going forward with 2 insems this cycle. We figure the expense is worth it since we have limited tries left. We insem tomorrow and Sunday with the PG test on Sept 4th.

We're, of course, really hoping this is the cycle we see that BFP. In the end I know we will be glad that we exhausted all options and we did everything we could. My fear is still we end up with no baby but still broke and probably a little bitter. :( But again I try to live with no regrets. I would have regretted not trying everything I did when it came to me. I'm glad I stopped when I did instead of being more disappointment. I'm glad we're putting everything into K since she really has been our best shot at having a baby. If it doesn't happen we'll be upset but hopefully it won't be something we can't get past.

Ok, now that I have that out of my system...Back to only positive thoughts!! 1 perfect follicle with 2 insems with Millions of sperm. 1 will find it's way and make some magic happen! This will happen and we'll see a BFP!

I have to catch up with everyone. I've been a bit out of touch but I hope everyone is doing well out there.

Day 3

Day 3 U/S went well. They are upper her dose of Bravelle from 150mg to 225mg. That stuff is so expensive so it better do the trick!! We go back Tuesday for another U/S to see how things are coming along.

That's all I have for TTC news. On the NON-TTC front we finished painting the guest room and it came out great. It is very different. Wall - pale honey. Ceiling & Doors - green & the Trim - dark brown. All three colors really came together. This room as been tour up since we had that water main break and had the draintile put in months ago. It feels great to finally have things put back together. This is the time of year we get a ton of company.

That's about it here. Talk to you all again soon.

The break is finally over...

K's AF has finally arrived. Thursday morning we're back in for a Day 3 U/S to start the process all over again. It's been a nice break, but it's back to work. We really do only have 3-4 tries left before we are on another very long break again. K got the letter from the Union about her insurance ending. She has some account with the union that she can pull some money from to keep the insurance going for a few more months then when that money is gone she will be put on my insurance and as we all know from when I was going through TTC my insurance covers NOTHING.

That's about it with us.

Everything went well...

Surgery went well. K was so brave as always. There were 3 small polyps removed. The surgeon said she should be good to get pregnant soon. Which was wonderful to hear since we don't have much time or money left. So, from his lips to God's ears....

Now just waiting for her cycle to start again so we can start the process all over again.

Hope all is well out in blogland!

Surgery Tomorrow

Surgery is tomorrow. It was supposed to be on the 31st but our surgeon will be out of town so it has been moved up. K is very nervous and if it is anything like the procedure I had when my tubes were opened she will be very uncomfortable. I know they will be giving her some drugs to calm her nerves. I just hope they are on the stronger side to help her get through.

When it is all over she shouldn't be in much pain at all. She should be back to normal the next day and we're told it is a very minor procedure, but K is nervous anyway.

We've been taking this break to just relax and not think much about TTC. I haven't been checking in with all of you like I should either. Sorry about that. I'm sure I have missed alot and I'm hoping there are some BFP's out there since I'm been out of touch.

I will let you all know Monday how K is and how everything went. Have a great weekend!

Sugery Update

We saw the surgeon Wednesday and surgery won't be until the end of July. Could have been next week if our surgeon wasn't on vacation and then we would have to skip another cycle but that's the way it is.

Non TTC news.... K & I have been dieting. We're both down 6 pounds. It has been so hard to eat healthy. Enjoying an evening out for a yummy dinner and drinks has always been a way to reconnect and talk out the stress we're going through and we don't have that. But we're looking at the bigger picture and we want to get her body ready for TTC again.

That's about it for us. Hope everyone is well.

Polyp.....

K had the saline sonogram yesterday. There is a small polyp. They think that it was probably there 4 months ago when she had the HSG but it was probably so small that it wasn't detected. We were also told that the fertility drugs that she was on can promote growth of the polyp and that even though the polyp is very small it is in a bad spot fertility speaking so it's best to get them removed and then try again.

We have our consultation with the surgeon next Wednesday. (She's going to the same surgeon who did my surgery) I'm sure we won't be able to get the surgery done this cycle which means we're on a break for this cycle and next.

This brings us down to only 3 tries left and then we'll be done for a while. Those 3 tries will be full of the drugs, ultra sounds and 2 insems per cycle. I want no regrets or to feel like I could have done more. Whatever happens at the end of this we'll be ok. We won't be done we'll just be a break.

We took control...

First, I would like to apologize for my mini breakdown the other day. I know the comments came from a good place and I see how what was said was just taken wrong. So, please know that all of you mean so much to me and some of you described it best when you said that I am just really overwhelmed. I believe I am strong. I believe that through everything I stay positive and the other day I guess I just didn't handle things exactly the way I would have if I wasn't so down.

So, with that said ladies please know that I really do appreciate you all and I really appreciate all of comments and advise to my breakdown.

Here is what is going on with us. K and I went in for her Day 3 u/s this morning, which looked good by the way. When we sat down with the nurse to discuss the plan for this cycle she started with how we will start with the Bravelle injections and we'd be upping that dose. We said NO to that one. Our plan for this cycle is this. We want to start with Clomid. While on clomid we'd have the Saline Sonogram that our RE wants K to have. If there is an actual polyp and this cycle has to be cancelled then all we're out is less then $100 of clomid not $1,000 of Bravelle. If everything is good then we will start the Bravelle injections and they will be daily instead of every other day. When we told the nurse our plan she actually looked at us and said...."I think that plan sounds great". She will have a follicle check Monday morning and she is on the "On-Call List" for the Saline Sonogram. Our RE is doing all IVF procedures next week so procedures like ours has to be scheduled between those. We won't know what time our thing will be until the day before.

As I mentioned before we have limited insurance coverage left. If we are correct her insurance will end the end of October. We probably have enough "baby money" for November. If nothing is wrong that will give her 5 more tries. 3 if something is wrong. So, we've also decided that we're going to be more aggressive and some of the cycles we will do 2 insems per cycle. I know there is no real evidence to support that it increases the chances all that much, and if we had more time I would save the sperm money, but we are limited so why not go all out while we can??? Right?

I am feeling better today. I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world to have K in my life. We work so well together when it comes to these difficult times and we really do understand each other.

That's the update. Looks like the plans are in place. We know what were going to do no matter what the test says and we're moving forward.

Thanks....

I don't think I've ever had responses back to one of my posts before where I read them feeling bad. I've been reminded (once in the comments section and once in an email) that it has only been 3 tries. Is that supposed to make it easier for me? Does the fact that K's only had 3 tries take away everything I went through before she started trying with 2 surgeries and $20,000 of debt? All that comes to mind is I must have sounded stupid. Or maybe ridiculous. Who knows. I'm not an angry blogger. I even think my "I'm feeling sorry for myself" posts are actually pretty calm in comparison to some I read. Which is ok. We're all different, but I never thought in this community I would feel like what I had to say or how I felt wasn't as important as the rest.

I have alot more I could be complaining about. I could tell you that the day I came to work and told a co-worker that I was going to start trying she said, yeah me too. Stopped the pill that day and she just had TWINS two weeks ago. Or how about my good friend Erik who knew I wanted to try but couldn't because I needed surgery first, then when I went back to the RE they found those damn random cysts so when I was told I could actually proceed with my first try he thought it was safe to tell me his wife was pregnant. Well, she gave birth YESTERDAY and here I sit with no baby, no pregnancy and I'm not even the one trying anymore. Now, while dealing with my own feelings of loss, I'm supporting my honey through this who is very upset that she is now just getting her own BFN's and she has to go through another horrible test. She now has those feeling of guilt that her body may be failing her.

Just please don't remind me that I haven't had as many tries as maybe some of you out there, because I think what I've been through to have those few tries was alot and doesn't make my pain any less then anyone elses.

Negative Again

It was another BFN.

The official blood test was yesterday but we tested Sunday morning and knew we weren't pregnant.

Now that K didn't get pregnant they want to do a Saline Sonogram. There are problems with this. First I don't think there is anything wrong with her. They want to look for a polyp that wasn't found when K had the HSG. Wasn't there for 12-15 u/s that have been done during the last 3 cycles. Next, this procedure needs to be done on day 5 or 6 but according to the receptionist she talked to the Doctor is in procedures all next week and isn't available. We will be on some kind of On-Call list. Really???

We don't have time for this. As most of you know who have been following my blog for a while K was laid off this past January. Her insurance is going to end soon. She has maybe 3 months left. So, we have only 3-4 tries left. If we have to miss this cycle because they find a polyp and then miss the next cycle for surgery to remove the polyp then that leaves us with 1-2 tries left.

We have decided that once the insurance is gone and the "baby money" is gone we are stopping. I'm sure we will try to put away money and save what we can so maybe we can try again in the future.

She will go in for her day 3 u/s and she will still start the meds for this cycle. We're going to ask for a clomid/Bravelle combination because clomid doesn't cost so much and then the test will be done. Best case is they find nothing wrong and the cycle continues without problems and we will be able to keep trying for the next 4 months. Worst case is they find something and this cycle gets cancelled and we can't try again until after surgery and we miss at least 2 months.

I truly believe that there isn't going to be anything wrong. Let's hope I'm right.

Pregnancies Everywhere....

The list of blogs I follow that are still TTC is now officially a shorter list then the list of blogs I've moved under PREGGO!! Wow, is something in the water and if so can someone send us some???

It's a babyboom around here and I couldn't be happier for all of you. Send out your lucky baby vibes to the rest of us! I look forward to sharing this new phase of your journey with you.

TWW - 1 week down.

We are 1 week into our TWW. K's out of town again. Yes, again. She is gone all the time. This time she's in Arizona visiting her Mom & Step Dad. Her Step Dad built a garage and he needs K's help putting the electrical in.

Things are starting to get a little stressful. We had a bit of a fight last week. Nothing earth shattering, but it wasn't fun. The stress is getting to both us. I work all the time which is so stressful and since she's laid off and only working part time that is stressful for her and we rarely see eachother. For the first time in a very long we both just broke down.

Saturday evening a couple friends came over and for a guitar hero session. Well wine & guitar hero. It was fun and took my mind off of TTC for an evening.

I'm hoping and praying so hard for a BFP this cycle. Keep your fingers crossed ladies!

Another Update

Once again here we are in a TWW. We insem'd yesterday and everything went great. Our donor sample was 25 million with over 50% motility and K had 2 follicles. This sample is much better then the first sample we used from this donor which was 11 million and only 30% motility. We were very happy with the improved numbers.

During Saturday's u/s we were asked if K had an HSG. Of course she did, why??? They think they might have seen a polyp. I'm like, REALLY??? I don't think so. She has had probably 15 ultrasounds over the last 3 months and you haven't seen a thing. She had an HSG which was clear as a bell and now, all of a sudden, you see a polyp in that fuzzy picture???? I really don't think so. But I guess the next step, if she doesn't get a BFP, will be a saline sonogram that the RE will do. I guess that test will show a very clear picture of the uterus. First, we're going to be pregnant this round so this will be a non-issue. But I guess my next question would be... If this is such a great test and her insurance has been covering all of these tests why didn't we just do the test in the first place?? Why weren't we told about it as an option?? We haven't said no to a single test because after going through everything we've been through with me and how much money we've spent we want to be informed. We want to know if anything is wrong and for 3 months everything has been perfect with K.

Can you hear my frustration???

I've put K on pretty much couch rest whenever possible for the next 2 weeks. I'm not chancing anything. I really have a good feeling about this one. I have to stay positive because if I don't I think I'm going to lose it. Of course I'm strong and I would pull it back together, but in the meantime I would really lose it.

That's it for now. Send us all the good vibes you have.

Update

TTC update: K's U/S went great this morning. One dominate follicle on each side. One 12mm and one 14mm on day 8. A couple more days of shots and then another U/S on Saturday morning. They are predicting that the insem will probably fall on Monday or Tuesday.

Life update: I'm very busy and working all the time. We finally got the stairs re-built going down to the basement. Well, I should say K got the stairs rebuilt. I'm not all that handy. I did however sew a couple buttons on her shorts. :)

That's about it in our world. Hope everyone is doing well.

Here we go again...

The ultrasound this morning went great. No cysts. Ovaries looked calm. She didn't even have to have bloodwork done. Tomorrow starts 150mg of Bravelle for 5 days then another ultrasound next Thursday.

Depending on how her body responds to the Bravelle it might interfer with a trip to Chicago she wants to take next weekend but we're really hoping things will all fall into place so she can still go.

I've been finding it harder & harder to stay positive. To not let the stress and the lack of money get to me. I find myself jealous of my friends IRL who got pregnant on try 1, 2 or 3. Not that I'm not happy for them but it makes me more sad for myself. A girl I know who got pregnant on Try #3 was asked to talk and advise a "friend of a friend" on the process and help her and her partner go in the right direction to start TTC. I was listening to her advise and it was the advise of someone who didn't have problems. It was the advise of someone who assumes the person she's talking to doesn't have any problems. Of course, my response was "give her my number if she wants to talk to someone who's been through hell". I know.... Not everyone has gone through hell, but until you have you just can't relate.

Enough of my complaining. It's not very attractive. :)

Have a great weekend everyone and wish us luck!

Here we go again...

Process is starting all over again. Good thing about TTC is Day 1 usually shows up a couple days after you get that BFN and you get that flicker of hope all over again.

Ultrasound tomorrow morning. K will be on all injectables this cycle. I have no idea which ones or how much yet. We'll find that out tomorrow, but I'm glad that the RE is being aggressive. Just found out that "being aggressive" comes with a price. The injectables for this cycle cost us......$2,200.00. OUCH!

We went out for dinner last night. It was wonderful spending some time together. We had a few drinks to toast to the new cycle.

That's about it. I don't have much Non-TTC news. We have a ton of work to do around the house. We have all the materials we need to get all of it done, so now all we need is time to get it all done. :)

K will be going to Chicago to again soon to see her cousin who is going through a bad breakup at the moment and her Grandma needs some help with a few things. Then She'll be going to Arizona during our TWW to see her Mom & Step Dad and help them with some electrical work they need done. I'll be home alone during all of that still working 2 jobs and taking care of the puppies. Speaking of the puppies they have been extra adorable lately. They know just how to cheer us up during these times. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I hope everyone is doing well out there. There has been alot of pregnancies lately. I hope some of those good vibes rubs off on the rest of us still out here trying.

BFN

We tested yesterday morning and it was a BFN this cycle. Bloodtest is today, but we didn't test early so I'm sure the HPT was accurate.

On to K's Try #3.

Cravings

TWW is going by pretty fast because we are just so busy. We have so many projects around the house that need done so we really haven't been obsessing yet.

K's on the progesterone this cycle so that will give her all the symptoms of being pregnant whether she is or isn't. BUT....

K's having weird cravings. She hates mustard and pickles. I eat her pickles. This weekend she ate mustard and pickles all weekend. On her burger Saturday at work and yesterday with brats.

Sign??? Maybe. I thought is was very cute.

TWW

We are in another TWW. Insem Wednesday went well.

Remember I mentioned before that we switched donors??? His count was only 11 million. Our previous donor had counts of 29 million and 23 million but we still ended up with BFN and he doesn't have any reported pregnancies. This new guy may only have an 11 million count but he does have reported pregnancies so I'm hoping for better luck.

My birthday was yesterday. All I wanted for my birthday was not to work (either job) and to spend the day with K. That is what I got and it was a wonderful day! Best birthday ever!

I have a couple days of catching up to do with everyone so I'm hoping for good news only! Have a great weekend everyone.

TTC Update

K had an u/s Saturday. The follies were still growing. Slowly, but growing. She had another dose of Bravelle Saturday night and they had us make another appt for an u/s for this morning. Today is cd15. K's cycles are usually shorter so we've been worried all weekend that she was going to ovulate on her own and we would miss it.

We had another u/s this morning and she has 2 perfect size 18mm follicles and we're triggering tonight and insem Wednesday morning.

We only do 1 insem a cycle. What are your feelings or experiences regarding 1 insem vs. 2 insems? My RE's office said there isn't any real research out there that says 2 is better then 1. It's more about the timing. Just wondering what your thoughts are.

I still need to catch up on what's going on with everyone else so I'm hoping I see some good news.

Also, GOOD LUCK to F from luckylittle13. She is having surgery today.

IRL...

Anyone who follows F from Luckylittle13 read that we met for lunch yesterday. And anyone who doesn't follow her should be because she is amazing. I have no idea how to link her in this post (I should learn how to do that) but she is in my blogroll.

It was so nice to sit with someone and be able to talk so freely about something that most people know nothing about. Be able to say something without stopping after every sentence to explain what a word means or what some process is. It was like having the support of this blog in front of my face. I really thought that I would be the one supporting her and being the "listener" because she is going through so much right now and my role has changed in my journey, but I was wrong. I talked just as much as I listened about what I have been through and how it is being on this side of the process and she was sympathetic and warm. At the end of our 2 hour lunch we parted hugging like old friends.

I'm looking forward to watching this new friendship grow. Thanks F.

TTC Update...

K's had her ultrasound yesterday morning. The follies haven't grown as fast as we would have liked. The follies that were 14 & 14.5 were both at 15.5 yesterday morning. We go back again tomorrow (Saturday) morning for another follie check and insem will most likely be Monday. K had a really bad day yesterday. The u/s was a rough one. They were pushing and hurting her a bit. Then had a bad blood draw. Got her allergy shot after that and had a bad reaction which was very painful the rest of the day and to top it off had to get another shot of bravelle. I had to work both jobs yesterday so other then being there at her appointment and giving her the bravelle shot before I ran into Job #2 she was alone yesterday and I feel terrible about that. Sometimes just being able to lay with her head in my lap while I rub her head makes everything all better.

Congratulations to my friends Heidi & Julie!! Their son was born yesterday. Little Leo Daxton Robole 7lbs 8oz. 20 1/2 in. Their family blog is also in my blogroll.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope to have a good TTC update on Monday!!

Ultrasound Update

U/S looked good. She has 5 follies but 2 are right now measuring at 14 & 14.5. The other 3 are measuring 11, 11.5 & 12. So, most likely only 2 will probably be the right size by insem but of course there is a chance of all 5 being ready, especially because we are adding injectables this cycle and if that was the case we would need to make the decision to insem or not to insem if there are 5 follicles. My RE would not want her to carry 5 and K does not want to be "that" mom.

Has anyone been faced with this decision? Any advise or experiences to share?

We go back for another u/s Thursday morning. We'll know better then if we'll have deal with that situation or not.

We walked for...

Our friend Colleen was diagnosed with MS this past October. Yesterday was the Minneapolis MS walk. The walk is 6 1/2 miles. K and I thought we were going to only be able to walk 1/2 of it because K had to be at the airport by 11:30am. But we were able to do both. We walked all 6 1/2 miles and got her to the airport in time to catch her plane. After I dropped her off I went home, changed into something comfy & became a couch potato for the rest of the night. I was so sore. We walk roughly 3 miles every time we walk the puppies so I didn't really think 6 miles would kill me, but IT DID.

K has an u/s tomorrow morning to check out the follie action going on. We'll be told if she'll start the injectables or not.

That's all the news I have. Hope everyone is having a good Monday and I hope May is a good month for BFP's!

Nobody's treated the same...

I've noticed something odd now that K is the one "trying". She is getting treated so much better by the staff at our RE's office then I ever did. I wasn't treated horrible, but it is very clear to me that there really is a difference.

For example. My first IUI I felt like I was just cattle getting rushed through and it was wam bam thank you mam. K's first IUI was slow and gentle. Everything was explained to her and the nurse did everything to make her feel comfortable.

Another example. My Day 3 ultrasound for my Try #1 we found a random cyst. The nurse told me without hesitation that I wouldn't be able to try that cycle and we'd check again the next month. I was devastated. After all I had done to finally get to my first try I couldn't believe it. It was on my way out the door from that appointment that she mentioned that a blood test could be done to see if that cyst would interfere, but I should save my money. Of course I did take the blood test and I was able to try and even though it came back BFN at least I tried. K had that same nurse yesterday for her Day 3 ultrasound and a random cyst was found. That same nurse took the time to explain it to her and still proceeded with everything as if she would be able to try this cycle and offered up that blood test immediately. Oh, I should also mentioned that she also gave K her injectable meds for free. Just handed them to her.

It's like night and day the difference in how we were both treated. K doesn't go to any appointment by herself. I have been there holding her hand every time. I, on the other hand, had to go alone to every appointment except the IUI. So, there I am going through all of that for the first time alone and not knowing what to expect and I wasn't given the time of day. K's got obvious support from someone who has been through it and they are treating her like she's all alone and needs all this extra attention.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe...

Here we go again... Update

Day 3 u/s is today. I'm very excited to be starting again. I'm also much more optimistic that her u/s will look great. That is such a change compared to me who had so many bad one.

K's account is set up at the cryobank and we'll be ordering our new donor very soon. I'm very excited about him. I read on the cryobank message board that when someone else used him he had good motility numbers. He is also a huge athlete. K's also an athlete. I know there are no guarantees on that kind of thing, but I believe it helps.

That is my TTC update. Nothing major to report. Hope everyone is doing well out there.

Update 1 - Just got back from the u/s and I spoke too soon. There is a sign of a cyst. If it isn't an estrogen producing cyst we can proceed. The blood work will tell us. Now we just wait for the call.

The toughest part was seeing the look on K's face. She was so disappointed. It hurt me so bad because I can remember how I felt after just about every u/s I had. It's so hard to not have any control over what your body is going to do in this process.

Update 2 - Got the call. We are good to go. They changed treatment and we're adding injectables to this cycle. I'm very excited!

Not this time...

K's Try #1 was negative. We tested first thing yesterday morning and it came up NOT PREGNANT so fast there wasn't any question. To really let us know it just wasn't meant to be this month...AF showed up about 2 hours later.

Good news is the process starts all over again Wednesday. No time sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. We have to set up K's account with the Cryobank now that we are out of the original donor. We did pick a new donor. One that reflects more of me. I feel really good about this donor.

I don't know if I mentioned this yet but K and I decided not to tell anyone really close to us that we are trying again. Not parents or friends. I have to say I feel a huge weight has been lifted this morning knowing I don't have to tell my best friend or my Mother that it was negative. As we all know it can take multiple tries and to have to say month after month that it didn't work is just too hard for me. Of course I hope it won't take that many tries but I don't want the added stress.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for everyone else trying this month and in your TWW!

TWW is coming to an end...

This week has been crazy!!!

One home repair/improvement uncovered another major problem that left us more then 2 days without water! It was like camping in our own home. Oh, by the way, I hate camping!! :)

K goes to the RE Monday for a pg test so we're testing Sunday morning at home. We have no clue what it might say. Some signs say no. Some signs say yes. I know it is really driving her crazy. Me too, but I've learned when it's not your body it's really much easier to process. At least for me that is. I've now experienced both sides so I'm surprisingly calm during this TWW.

I will update Monday as soon as we get the offical word. I hope everyone is doing well.

Random update to pass the time during the TWW...

It's only been 2 days and it feels like it's been 2 weeks already. Next week we are going to be so busy and I know that will really help make the time pass. Plus, K's Mom is flying in to help dog sit while we have work done on the house. She'll be here Sunday - Thursday and we haven't told her that we're trying again and she really has no idea that K would even consider trying so we won't even be talking about it. I know I'm looking forward to the mental break of TTC.

Yesterday was our official 13 year anniversary. I worked 2 jobs yesterday so I didn't see her. So we were going to have dinner Tuesday evening even though K had school so I had planned to cook dinner and have it ready for her when she got home. I made marinated chicken breasts with baked potatoes. The chicken turned out so bad. The marinade on the chicken burnt in the broiler and it was uneatable. So, our anniversary dinner ended up being tacos. Not the evening I was planning but we got a good laugh out of it.

This facebook thing is turning out to be kinda fun. I'm still addicted to Mafia Wars and I'm reconnecting with some friends from 10-20 years ago that I have really missed over the years.

That's about it here. The pg test at the RE's office is in 11 days. Keep your fingers crossed. :)

Baby Dust...

Everything went great this morning. My honey once again was so brave going through something that she isn't comfortable with as well as going through it for the first time and not knowing what to expect. They think she had a great cycle and there is 1 (maybe 2) good follicles. Heck you only need 1, right?? The sample had a count of 23 million. Now all we need is just 1 of those 23 million guys to find that 1 follicle.

Keep your fingers crossed ladies!!

Here we come 2WW....

Insem is scheduled...

The ultrasound Saturday morning still looked good. 2 good follicles. Originally they asked we come in again Monday for another u/s to check those follicles, but after our RE reviewed everything he had the nurse call back and told K to trigger yesterday and we'll insem Tuesday morning at 9am.

We're heading for K's first 2WW. Very exciting. She's very nervous but she says if she can get through the HSG (realizing after a day had past) that is wasn't the worst thing to happen, she's confident she will be able to continue. But she will still be nervous all the way up until it's over. It's the unknown. It's doing all of this for the first time that is really scary.

Me. I'm doing ok. I've got some of those non-bio mom fears coming up a little, but how I know everything is going to be ok is that wasn't the first thing I thought about when she told me the news from the RE's office. It was pure joy that we are still moving forward. Plus, she just seems to be doing and saying all the right things to ease my mind and take away any of my fears. We really seem to helping each other through everything in our new roles. It's nice.

Our weekend overall was great. We both worked Saturday then went out with friends Saturday night. Got up for church early Sunday, then out to breakfast, ran some errands, and most importantly got everything moved out of the basement and the lower level guest room because we're getting drain-tile installed next week. We needed to get all the heavy lifting done before the insem because I wouldn't let K do that kind of physical labor during a 2WW.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'll update again soon.

Our Luck Has Changed...

K's HSG yesterday looked great. Totally clear. No blocked tubes. No polyps. No cysts.

Today is her last night of clomid and we go in for an u/s tomorrow morning. We could be inseminating as early as Monday or Tuesday.

Can you believe all the good news???? I can't. She can't. K's mood and emotions are all over the place. It is hitting her hard that she has gone from never thinking she would carry EVER to being so close to her first insem and her body being the one that so far looks like it doesn't have any fertility issues. Because we've been through so much we're still cautious and we know that just because it all looks clear doesn't mean she'll get pregnant, but we still can't help but have that hope. My tests and ultrasounds always looked so bad. We're not used to leaving doctor's offices and hospitals with good news.

We still have 1 donor sample left from when I was going to try. We fill out paperwork with the lab tomorrow so we can use that sample for her try. That will save us over $600.

That's our TTC update. Since everything will now be about K I'll just say I'm exhausted. I work all the time and I feel like I'm getting pulled in so many directions. Between 2 jobs, K's doctors appointments and helping around the house I feel like I'm going to fall over some days. Good news is other then being really tired I'm not upset about how things are. My soul purpose is to take care of K. Now, that isn't really any different then before. :) Now, I really know I'm working so hard for a purpose. I still feel like we're a little crazy trying to get pregnant while K's out of work and if she got pregnant right away the baby would be coming when unemployment would be stopping. But we are both such hard workers and I know her unemployment situation is temporary and we both agree that we need to take advantage of her time off because if she was working on a jobsite (electrician) she would not have the flexibility to be doing this. Everything happens for a reason.....

So many thoughts....It can drive a girl crazy.

Hope all is well with all of you. Fingers crossed we have some good follies tomorrow.

Another Good Ultrasound...

Today's u/s looked great. Lining was where they wanted it and everything else still looked great. She already has 2 follicles started (one on each side), which the nurse said is fine and the clomid will just help them along. Thursday is her HSG. Send us all the good vibes you have that everything goes good with that.

If Thursday's HSG looks good the insem should be Monday or Tuesday.

I made sure that K knew of all your well wishes being sent to her during this process. I know she appreciates it just as much as I do and since she's the one going through the process it really helps to know there are people out there who can relate and who only want the best outcome for you.

Talk to you all again by Friday. I hope all is well out there!

So far so good...

First, thank you everyone for all the luck you are sending our way. The appointment went well this morning even though we left still feeling that things are up in the air.

K's cycle only started yesterday so even though we could call today Day 2 it is really more like Day 1 and her lining was still too thick for the RE to really see what he wanted to see. So, we'll be back at the RE's office Monday morning and they said if all looks good we move forward with clomid. We also have her HSG scheduled for April 9th. Good news is we left there with no bad news. Her u/s looked great otherwise. No random cysts, no signs of endometriosis, etc.

My K is being so brave. For some of us having someone in our "lady business" during that time of the month is not pleasant but we deal very well. Actually, I would look forward to it because I knew that meant the process was finally starting and I was moving forward. Well, my K doesn't like it one bit. Poor thing was just traumatized. Well, even through the trauma she is finding the hope & faith that she just might be able to give us the family we really want. See, we're sitting in the car after the appointment. She's still shaking a bit and in the middle of an anxiety attack when she turns to me and says. "If this works we're pulling a Julie & Heidi and having another one back to back. I want our child to have a sibling." Here I'm wondering if she's even going to get through the first IUI or even be able to get pregnant with #1 when she tells me she would get pregnant with a second. She never stops amazing me.

Have a great weekend everyone and I'll talk to you all again Monday afternoon.

AF came early...

AF came early. Because K is going out of town our Day 3 u/s and labs is now Day 2 u/s and labs. :)

We find out tomorrow morning at 7:45am how things look and if we move forward or not.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone that K isn't cursed with the bad luck of infertility like I am. We really need a break. I don't know how much more bad news I can take.

Waiting...

There is really still no update. We're waiting for day 1 to come so we can schedule K's day 3 u/s, labs & HSG.

Since changing the plan we've been really thinking that this change is meant to be. K's insurance should cover some of the cost and both of my employers have adoption assistance. So, we'd finally be able to save money getting pregnant and we'd save money with the co-parent adoption. Well, I looked up the information yesterday for adoption assistance here at Job #1 and everything I was reading sounded great until I read the exclusions. It says they do not cover the cost of adoption if the child is related to your spouse. Will they see K as my spouse and tell me I won't get the $5,000 reimbursement??? I think they will. I think that will be their loop hole not to pay. But as I see it if I really was her spouse legally I wouldn't have to go through the cost of the co-parent adoption because we would be married and the baby would just legally be mine when born. I'm hoping they don't. See they do have domestic partner benefits but domestic partner is not spouse. I'm just going to hope they do the right thing.

I've decided to tackle one thing at a time. First, get through all the tests she'll be going through next week and hope all comes out ok. Next, get her pregnant. If they pay they pay. It won't stop the process and to tell you the truth we're used to getting what we want the hard way. We're used to things not working out. If we end up with a happy/healthy baby that will be the most important thing.

There is snow again here. We had a couple weeks of great weather. We were taking the puppies on walks that lasted 1 1/2 - 2 hours. I can't wait for those days again!

I hope all is well with all of you.

Good News for now....

I've got some good news and I've got some good news.

First good news, I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Yeah for me!

Now for the more important good news...

K's appointment with the RE went really well yesterday. We're happy, but cautious to not get to excited because the tests aren't done yet.

Here's the scoop... K's ultrasound looked really good. He was a little concerned with her lining. It was thick. It could be she just has a thick lining on CD15 or a thick lining can be hiding a problem. A polyp to be exact. So, the plan is this....

She'll go in for her Day 3 ultrasound and labs. On day 3 the lining is also much thinner so that will show if that was just normal for her or if there is something like a polyp. If that ultrasound looks good she starts on a monitor cycle with clomid. Regardless of whether the ultrasound looks good or not she'll also be getting a HSG done sometime between cd 4 & cd10 as well. We want to make sure there are no other problems.

That's about it. Now we wait for day 3 and hope everything goes well with the HSG and labs.

We went out last night for dinner & drinks to celebrate everything. There was a little bit of tears I admit. Of course they were my tears. It was really hard that for 13 years every conversation, every dream of building our family I would be carrying. We picked the donor based on her, if we had a girl it would have been named after her, etc. So, when she looked at me and asked if we were going to switch donors it was like a punch in my gut. It was like "oh, you're right...our donor looks like you. Not me". Then she asked about the girl baby name. Again it hit me... "oh, you're right...if we had a girl it would be named after you. Not me". It was such a realization that we have spent the last 13 years planning this event to make sure it included both us. That we both felt like it was our baby not just my baby. Now, we have a couple weeks to re plan. To change this way of thinking and to turn the tables to make sure I actually feel like I'm included. To help me feel like it's also my baby not just her baby. I realized last night that I also needed to hear all the reassurances from her that I had been saying to her for all these years. At first she looked at me almost like I was being silly to think that anything would be any different and of course I'm the Mommy, etc. But she quickly understood where I was coming from when I explained that even though logically I know that everything would be fine I still needed to hear it. That I'm not going to have all the years of time to get that reassurance and time to adjust like she did.

But of course this isn't all about me...She only gets a couple weeks to come to the realization that her world is also going to change in a way that she never thought it would. She is going to now be the one with nurses & doctors all up in her "goodies" when she's really a very private person and not comfortable with strangers being there. She has to change her thinking from the caregiver to the one who is going need to be taken care of.

But in the end we're both very happy and feeling really good about this. We feel like every thing's falling into place better then we had hoped. We're both looking forward to our new roles and will take care of each other through this.

If we get through this next round of tests (labs & HSG) without anything bad we're going to be good to go and we'll be back on the TTC train.

Non-bio Mom

Well, we see the RE on Wednesday to discuss K possibly carrying. Turns out K actually has a little bit of insurance coverage for monitored IUI's. Well, we were told that lab work and ultra sounds are covered. That is alot of the cost. Also, since she's not working full time at the moment doctor appointments aren't a problem. In the beginning especially if not through the entire process we'll still be scheduling appointments around my schedule because she doesn't want to go through this process without me. I don't think anyone is really comfortable with how exposed you feel with strangers all up in your private area but she's more private then most and really not comfortable with it. She'll need me to focus on until she realizes that it's not so bad. Personally I can't believe she's even ok with carrying. Never thought that would happen. Now I'm trying to accept the fact that I would be the non-bio Mom. I never thought that would happen. We've had all the talks to make her feel comfortable with being the non-bio Mom. I've given her the security of knowing that me having the baby didn't make her any less the Mom and how I would never let anyone in my family ever look at her as anything less then the Mom. Now I feel like I need those talks. I always had the security of knowing that if I was the bio-mom her family couldn't push me aside as someone not important. They don't always view wives, husbands or especially significant others as real family. Now, I have to worry about them really thinking of me as the baby's mommy. But K has stood up to them before. I just have to trust that she will make sure that they don't do that.

We've given my body a chance. Unfortunately because of cysts, blocked tubes and endometriosis it was short lived and cost us over $21,000 but it was a chance. It is time for me to let go and give K a chance.

Keep your fingers crossed we don't find something wrong with her too. I'll update later in the week.

Getting Better

I have the most amazing partner! She really has put my mind at ease and has made me feel so much better about everything. We're both in a much more positive place. We've made an appointment for her to get checked out by the RE on March 25th. We joined Weight Watchers yesterday to start living a healthier life and to get our stress eating under control. We're reading more and trying so hard not to worry about what we can't control.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to get caught up on everyone's blogs in the next day or two.

Everything is so quiet...

I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I jumped into TTC with both feet. Had 2 major "procedures" & spent so much money for everything to just come to a complete stop. I got the bill for opening my tubes and that was $8,800. I called the hospital today to make payment arrangements since insurance doesn't pay anything related to fertility, but the guy wouldn't make payment arrangements. He insisted that the bill be sent for review to see if the coding was correct. I know it was and I know insurance won't pay, but I let him do it anyway.

I'm back to working my second job 3 days a week. You'd think that would help keep my mind off of the fact that so much stuff in my world is just going so wrong, but it isn't. I feel like I'm being a complete "Debbie Downer". Have you seen that skit on Saturday Night Live?? I'm trying hard not to complain. I need to find a productive focus.

My newest non-productive focus...Mafia Wars on facebook. I'm addicted. It's such a stupid game but it's so mindless and all you need is time, which I have. Facebook also is outing me to a few of my old high school friends who have found me out there and they are requesting my friendship and as soon as I confirm the friendship they will see pictures of K & I. Or they ask "What have you been up to the last 20 years?" So, I'm now out to people I haven't talked to in a long time. I guess I could just ignore their little friend request and not give them access but a few of them say stuff like they've been looking for me for years, & how happy they are they found me & how they could cry, etc. Seeing how some of them react to this will really tell me what kind of person they've become.

Mom called me the other day and I can tell she so desperately wants to find something to talk to me about. She tried to talk to me about "the baby's God Parents". I told her that K & I aren't talking about a baby that I'm not even pregnant with anymore and that since I'm having so many difficulties I don't want to talk about it at all. She felt bad and maybe I was hard on her, but she just doesn't think before she speaks.

K was out of town again this past weekend. I'm sure that contributed to my depression this weekend. She comes home today and I really hope that helps my mood.

I have alot of catching up to do with all of you. I hope everything is going better for all of you.

Straight People Say The Stupidest Things....

I just saw a girl a few minutes ago here at work that I haven't talked to in a while and she asked me how "The Baby Thing" was going. I told her that it wasn't going very well. That every time I turn around I seem to have more fertility issues. I told her that in 6 short months I've had 2 major procedures and have acquired over $20,000 in debt. I said right this second we're taking a break.

She jumped straight to "Haven't you two thought about adoption?" Typical straight person response. Typical response from someone who didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I said that we haven't thought about it because until now we didn't think we would have to think about it, but maybe we will discuss it after we have thought everything through.

Then she said out of the blue...."It's not like you two can try on your own" as she's pointing to her self as if to say our problem is we're missing a penis. I couldn't stop myself, but I said STRAIGHT PEOPLE SAY THE STUPIDEST SHIT! I said that our problem isn't the lack of a penis it's fertility issues and what she said was rude.

I felt the tears welling up. I felt an anger that I don't know that I've felt in a very long time. I was in shock.

Of course she tried to apologize. She said she considers me "a good friend". Bullshit! Good friend my ass.

Thank you...

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and support. We really feel like we've been hit really hard this year and it's only February. I'm just need to do anything we can to turn things around. Feel like we are in some sort of control again. Well, as much control as one can have when TTC is concerned.

I'm still on the birth control and I'll be making an appointment with the RE soon to get K checked out. In the mean time we're looking at a couple different weight loss plans to help in that area and when K gets back from Chicago next week I think we might get on some kind of structured plan to help get on track.

Other then that things are slow. I'm working alot and just hoping and praying everyday that K gets called back to work sooner then later.

The Plan...

K and I finally talked a little bit. We haven't had the opportunity to discuss the situation since I told her about the cyst and endometriosis being back Monday morning. We talked over the phone, which wasn't ideal but if we didn't say something about what was going on after 2 days I think we would both lose our minds.

We've decided to prepare and explore 2 different options. First we're going to make her an appointment to get checked out by our RE. We just want to know if switching to her is an option. At the same time we're going to take the next few months and prepare for IVF for me. The RE wants me to get my body ready by taking a drug for a few months that would take away the endometriosis. And I need to drop a few pounds. I'm not over the weight limit for IVF, but with the recent weight gain I've had I don't want to start this process feeling like I'm out of shape and not healthy enough for IVF. I need to know that I've done everything I can to help it be successful.

We also need to see if she'll get called back to work the next few months as well as see how we're going to handle the very aggressive payoff plan that we've put together.

We both feel like we could cry at the drop of a hat these days and we feel very defeated, but we're not ready to give up. Maybe in the end we'll be going the adoption route. Either will be ok. It's just time to expand our family. We're just going to slow down a bit because we've hit some bumps and I just need to slow down the bumps. Those bumps have already cost us over $16,000. When I add to that I want to do it knowing more. I feel like the decisions we've made that got us to that $16,000 was because we were new to this. Because we didn't know any better. Because I thought I could fix my infertility issues and have IUI as an option. Maybe IUI could still be an option, but IVF will by pass all my infertility problems and give us a better shot.

So, my journey is officially on hold. My blog will hopefully be letting everyone know how much debt we're paying off to make this process financially easier. I'll be letting everyone know how much weight I'm losing, but even better how much healthier and stronger I'll be getting. I'll be letting everyone know about K's appointment(s) and my appointment(s) with the RE and what our options are and what direction we decide to go. I hope you all hang in there with me and I'll be hanging in there with all of you. Even though I'll be extremely jealous at your success my happiness for you will eventually over ride that jealousy. Promise.

So, here's to the next step....

The Bad News Just Keeps Coming...

TTC Update...

First my cycle did start early. Just what I was hoping wouldn't happen. But I went in for a baseline ultrasound this morning to see if we could still proceed with things this cycle and that would be a big fat NO! I have a huge cyst on the right side AGAIN. My RE thinks the endometriosis is back. It's only been 5 months since my surgery but that doesn't seem to matter.

So I was put on birth control again this morning to slow down or stop the endometriosis until we decide what we should do next.

Here are our choices...

1. Ignore the cyst and keep trying.
2. Have surgery again to clean out the endometriosis that came back and then start back with IUI's again.
3. Go straight to IVF. That route would consist of a month on birth control, 3 months on another drug that would shrink the endometriosis and then start the IVF protocol.
4. Get K checked out and consider switching from me to her.
5. Stop everything all together.

I think we've already decided that options 1 & 2 are actually not an option. This as you will see below by the cost already is just us throwing good money after bad. My RE thinks that going the IUI route with the issues I'm having is only giving me a 5% chance of success. IVF would give me a 33%-40% chance of success.

For really only 1 try that we have had the cost looks like this:

• $1,300 - My portion of the endometriosis surgery.
• $1,300 - Donor Sperm
• $10,000 - A line of credit taken out for IUI's and fertility drugs.
• $8,800 - To open Tubes. I had no idea it was going to cost this much. I was expecting $2,000 - $3,000.
  Total: $21,400
  Still have: $5,000
• Total cost out of pocket for basically 1 try has cost $16,400

I have no idea what to do. I feel like such a failure. I know how bad K wants a baby. She would be an amazing parent. I really don't want to stop. Part of me really believes that if we stopped and we let this dream go it could impact our relationship in a negative way that I don't know if we would bounce back. We have a very strong relationship but I don't know if it could survive the regret and anger that would come from this failed dream.

So, here I sit. On hold again. Fighting the horrible feeling that we are drowning in debt, K's not working at the moment and the regret that we have made so many bad decisions up to this point over 13 years that we have ruined our chances of starting the family that we have always talked about.

Seattle Here We Come...

We leave tomorrow for Seattle. It's my department's Annual Meeting. We have 3 projects in the Seattle area so they are flying everyone there for a long weekend just to attend a 4 hour meeting.

Thursday night should be interesting. It is cocktails and an informal dinner with the entire group of 140 and all of the guests. I believe we have 208. Of course K's coming with me. Good thing about where I work is the company is very gay friendly but you never know if the people you work with are also that way. Most of the people I work with are out of state and I only talk to them over the phone. So, there is only a hand full of people that I actually know about K & I. I'm sure I will be the topic of conversation for a little bit Thursday, but once that is over and everyone knows then I'm sure we will be able to just enjoy the weekend.

Friday evening there is a very fancy/formal dinner planned for everyone. Of course open bar again. There is never a shortage of free alcohol to drink at these annual meetings. :) I won't be over indulging too much because of TTC, but a glass of wine won't hurt me. I helped pick out the menu for the entire weekend and the food is going to be so good!

We will still be there Saturday for Valentine's Day. We'll do the whole tourist thing during the day and I've made dinner reservations for Saturday night at a fine dining restaurant at the resort where we are staying. I think it's going to be a really good weekend for us. Quality time together is exactly what we need.

I should be starting Try #2B again as soon as I get back. This last couple of weeks feels like it's gone by so slow.

I won't have Internet access while I'm gone so I won't be checking back again until Monday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a great Valentine's Day!

Night out with friends...

I had a pretty busy weekend. Worked Friday night. Got the brakes on my car fixed Saturday. I really needed that. I was that annoying car driving down the street making that metal on metal horrible noise when trying to stop. Went out to lunch with my friend Ang who works with K Saturday afternoon while the car was being fixed. Saturday night K & I met some of my old friends out for drinks. It was so much fun!! It had been way too long since I had seen them all. I worked with all of them 7 years ago at the first Home Depot I ever worked at. I'm at store number 3 now. They all just loved hearing about my TTC efforts and are so supportive.

Here are a few pictures:

Becky & Beth. ................ Me & Dustin.












Tina Me & Denise
Sunday K & I didn't do much of anything. We should have been out shopping because we need some new clothes for our trip to Seattle this week but we decided to just be lazy and relax the day away instead. That means we will be shopping tonight.

Talk to you all soon.

Update...

I received a message from my RE yesterday. Not from the RE's office, but actually the doctor himself. I usually don't talk to him at all. I see the Nurses and they carry out the treatment plan that he tells them to. I'm ok with that since I think he has been very aggressive so far and I haven't disagreed with anything he has wanted to do yet. It wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't call and one of the nurses called, but it was nice a nice surprise to hear that he did it himself.

He received the paperwork regarding my procedure and just to hear him say the words "IT WAS SUCCESSFUL" was music to my ears. He also said that we should get started again right away as soon as my cycle starts again. So, I know I've said this before but ladies I need your prayers more then ever. Pray for AF to be late. I know that sounds weird since we are always begging AF to show up, but I just don't want to be out of town when I should be starting the whole process over again.

None TTC updates....

• Work has been very busy.
• K's still really sick. The poor baby.
• Since my Dad was forced into early retirement my parents are obsessed with selling their house and moving to Arizona.
• Things have been ok money-wise so far since K's been laid off. I'm expecting a good Tax Refund for both of us and I just settled for a small amount of money from a car accident a couple years ago so all of that will help alot toward debt. It will feel really good to just pay off some stuff. It is also really helping that we just aren't spending money like we used to. You don't realize how much you really spend until you think you won't have it to spend anymore and it forces you to really look at it.
• The puppies are good. They are just such a joy. Bear went to the vet a week or two a go and he has lost 5 pounds since September. Which is a good start. He should really be about 70 lbs and he's tipping the scale around 89 lbs, but he thinks he's 10 lbs and will try to curl up on your lap or in a small space next to you because he just thinks he'll fit. It's just too adorable.
• Oh, I have a good story for you.... At job #2 the other night I (half kidding) said to one of my cashiers "how do like my ever expanding ass? haha" She replied with "I noticed. I was going to say your butt looks big in those jeans." I couldn't believe it!! I wasn't mad. Shocked. But not mad. Can you believe it? I just wouldn't ever be able to say something like that to someone. She's lucky I can stay calm and not hit her.

That's about it.

Checking In...

Since my procedure I feel great. I didn't have any pain and was back working both jobs again the very next day. I feel a sense of calm and peace since the procedure. I feel like I took control over my body and fixing a major issue. At work the very next day one of my cashiers came up to me and said I looked like the happiest person in the world. He asked me if I had won the lottery and just hadn't told anyone. I just responded with No, didn't win the lottery but I feel like I've won something better.

Now I just feel like time is going by so slow. But that is usually the case when I'm not in the middle of something involving TTC. Timing still might not work out because of the work trip I have this month and I keep telling myself that it will be ok to have to wait out another cycle, but I know I will be very disappointed if that happens. I could use the time to eat better and lose the 10 pounds that I have gained over the last 3-4 months since my surgery & starting TTC.

I really don't have much else going on. Sorry, I'm a bit boring at the moment. I'll check in again if I have anything note worthy.

The Tubes Are Now Open...

Yesterday was the tube opening. This is now the second procedure that I've had done at United Hospital and they are just so wonderful. Everyone was so nice and when I was wheeled into the room to actually do the procedure there was a team of people. It was a bigger deal then I was expecting, which made me more nervous then I think I would have been otherwise. As I scooted my butt to the end of the table and propped it up on a stack of what looked like towels and they tapped my feet to the table I was put totally at ease my the lesbian nurse talking to me about anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. With a bunch of really good drugs I barely felt anything. I did feel some pressure and cramping but it didn't last long.

So, I bet you want to know the results.... THE TUBES ARE NOW OPENED

Yes, I said tubes...turns out the right tube that I was told was opened actually was a little blocked as well.

We were also told that we don't have to wait before we start trying again. Bad thing is we'll be out of town around the time AF is supposed to arrive. If AF arrives early I won't be in town for my cd3 u/s and to get my prescription for clomid to start on cd3. If AF arrives on time or a day or two late then everything should work out just fine. But I'm ok with either one. Of course I'm anxious to start again, but I've been through so much that I'll be taking this one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I won't be upset.

Yesterday was also an anniversary for K & I. It was 13 years ago yesterday from the day we met. We thought it was a great way to spend the day.

Thank God It's Friday...

Today is one of those days where I do not want to be at work. I'm being very unproductive. Thankfully I'm leaving early. Only 2 1/2 hours but I think today it will save my sanity. I'm going to grocery shop, get a massage and chiropractic adjustment then relax at home with the puppies.

I heard from my Mom today. She said she heard from Bill (they guy that offered me free sperm) and he got my letter. He called it a nice letter and said he just wanted to help but he understands where I'm coming from. First, why keep discussing this with my Mother??? She was so funny. He didn't read her the letter and when I wasn't offering any details she flat out asked me what I wrote to him. HOW RUDE! Our conversation didn't last long. I can tell she wants to have some deep conversation but I just don't want to. She is always saying the wrong thing.

I can't wait until Tuesday! I'm so excited to be getting my tube opened. I feel like time isn't going fast enough. I think I've just had too much time on my hands with K out of town. She comes home Monday. YEAH!!

My Best Friend Tracie

Everyone...Say Hello to Tracie.

Tracie and I have been the best of friends for over 23 years. We have been through everything together.

We met in high school, we were roommates shortly after high school and even worked together in the same office. We've seen each other through sick parents, break ups, new relationships, new jobs, loss of jobs, and so on. Anyone stuck in the same room with us for more then an hour is stuck listening to "Tracie-Abby Stories" over and over because there are just so many.

Tracie and I live over 400 miles apart and now that there is so much going on (with both of us) it has been very hard to be apart. When I started TTC I was very excited to tell my best friend about it. Most of our conversations over the recent months has been primarily about my TTC efforts. But when I told her (and so many others) about starting TTC I had no idea that I was going to have so many issues. I never thought in a million years that I would need surgery, a tube opened and fertility drugs. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Over the months I have found comfort in talking to all of you...Other TTC'ers. Starting in the message boards and now here. In my blog as well as all of yours. It gives me a comfort that I get more advise then having to answer questions because this situation isn't something that everything knows about or will ever go through. I also like feeling that maybe I can also give some advise or comfort to all of you going through the same thing.

While I've been not really talking about things as often because I do feel like I'm in a holding period right now since I decided to get that tube opened I found out yesterday that my Best Friend feels left out. She feels like our conversations have been replaced by this blog.

I want her to know that nobody has replaced her. That this blog is away for me to be connected to other woman who can understand me during the TTC, but it will never replace the history that her and I have had and the future that is still to come. That it won't take away from me telling her what's going on, but can be a tool for her to keep track of my journey when it gets confusing. I want her to feel comfortable to be here, read what I write and take it for face value.

So, Tracie, I know it's hard being so far apart. I know it sometimes feels like maybe we're not as connected, but over 23 years we've gone through times where we haven't talked alot or didn't spend alot of time together but because of our love and friendship we always come back together like not a single day has passed. That is the beauty of us. No worries.

Thank You Letter...

If you remember from a previous post an old friend of the family told my Mother that he wanted to donate sperm to me. And even though in so many ways I feel that the offer was just weird I was still very touched and thankful. And even though I wasn't even involved in the conversation I still feel like I had to acknowledge it. I had to turn down this guy who was so willing to help create a life. Well, the letter is done and on it's way. It took two days and several drafts, but I feel I came across kind and thankful while still saying no to his offer.

K's flight was good and she is having a relaxing time at her Mom's. I spent the evening cooking enough food to get me through almost the whole week and watching reruns of One Tree Hill. I've never watched that show before, but about 4 months ago it started rerunning on Soap Network so I started watching it and it's my newest guilty pleasure. Yes, you can say it....I'm a dork. :)

I finally showed K my blog. Maybe someday she'll post, but I at least wanted her to be able to read it, read all of the comments and follow everyone else's blogs. I know it's really helped me and I want her to have the same experience.

That's all the news I have for now.

Tubal Cannulation....

The Tubal Cannulation has been scheduled. The procedure will be done at 10:30am Tuesday January 27th.

I'm officially on another break from TTC which I don't like. But opening this tube takes away my biggest fertility issue that is left. I've had surgery to remove the endometriosis. My FSH number was great. I had the huge cyst on my right ovary removed. The left tube being blocked is the last issue that I can see, so I have to at least try to fix it. After that is done then it is out of my hands.

K will be out of town this week but will fly home the day before my procedure to take care of me. I'm a big girl. I'll be fine while she's gone. It's just so hard going home knowing she won't be there. I do have the puppies to keep me company and when I'm sad and I want to go to bed at 7pm they are more then happy to curl up with me.

My friend from Home Depot came over Saturday and we had a BLAST. I drank like a rock star which is fitting since we played Guitar Hero for hours. It was so much fun. I don't think I'll drink again for a while and definitely not as much as I did the other night.

That's my news today. Hope all is well with everyone.

Random words.....

I don't have any TTC news today, but I feel like I need to check in. I feel like things are at such a stand still that I'm just not going anywhere.

It has already been a crazy year. K getting laid off, deciding to get my tube opened, I have an office trip next month where spouses are invited and YES I'm bringing K. Not everyone knows about me. I'm far from being in the closet, but I don't advertise it either. So, those people who do not know will be in for a bit of a shock soon. Just the other day I was having an innocent conversation with a guy I work with and the conversation when from talking about my second job, to the economy, to lay offs, and I mentioned that "my honey" got laid off. So, when he asked me what "he" did for a living I answered with "she's" an electrician. I freaked him out a bit. He went running to another just worried that he offended me, about how he had no idea, etc. I think this trip will be interesting.

K's been doing well. She's started working out, getting errands done, did a side job last night for a friend. Actually it wasn't even technically a side job. She has done electrical work for these friends alot in the past and has never charged them. Well, they paid her last night. Nice of them because K never would have charged them. I know they really appreciate her.

I went back to work at my second job last night after not being there for a month. It actually felt really good to be back. I'm a Head Cashier at Home Depot for job #2. They have been cutting hours back so much that lately I don't get many Head Cashier shifts. I'm actually just a cashier, but good thing is it pays the same and I have far less responsibilities. YEAH FOR ME! There are only 3 lesbians at Home Depot. At Home Depot I have chosen to remain in the the closet. Of course the other 2 know. I'm really becoming good friends with one of them. I am really looking forward to seeing where this friendship is going. She is such a genuine person.

I haven't been talking to family or friends alot lately. As you can tell by my rant the other day I just need a break. I'm still waiting for my Mother to email me Bill's home address so I can thank him for his sperm offer. What a strange letter have to write. I mean is there an FTD flower arrangement that says "Thanks for the sperm offer" :) I just really feel like I need to acknowledge that it was even said and tell him that it really means alot that he would want to help me with something so important.

AF hasn't arrived yet. But I called the RE's office and found out that this procedure is done between cd 7-10. After AF is gone but before you ovulate. Well, K's going out of town all next week. So, if AF shows up to early the procedure is going to land on a day when she is supposed to be out of town. Of course she wants to be with me. Take care of me. I can't take that way from her. Even though it does seem to be all about me all of this still affects her and the family we are trying to make together. So, I'm hoping AF doesn't show up now until Saturday. That would be ideal.

That's about it. Boring I know. From day to day I think my life is actually pretty boring. I don't have major stories or drama. K & don't have any issues so things are usually going well with us. I'll be all alone next week. Just the puppies and I so maybe I'll check in more so you guys can keep me company. My Blogsphere Family.

A Great Weekend...

We had such a good weekend.

Saturday I relaxed. Watched old TV shows that I had taped. Ran some errands. Cook a fabulous dinner for K and we started our L Word marathon. We got rid of the "Movie Channels" a long time ago so we borrowed last season from a friend who just got it for Christmas.

Sunday we relaxed all day. Ate junk food and watched the L Word all day. Nothing beats total relaxation and then falling asleep in the arms of the one you love.

No real serious talk. No worries.

I'm really hoping to see AF soon. As soon as I get that visitor I'll be able to schedule the procedure to open my left tube. That will be exiting.

Just Another Rant....

Do you ever get to the point when you feel like you just can't talk to anyone? That nobody understands?

Your Mother should be the one person you feel closest to, who loves you unconditionally and you can confide in. I don't have that. I know she tries. I stay close to her for only one reason. So I can sleep at night, so I can look at myself in the mirror, so I won't have any regrets. Well, I guess that's more then one reason :)

She has said all the wrong things for as long as I can remember but it got so much worse (13 years ago) when I came out to her. Like the day I told her that K & I were going to have a ceremony and she said she would rather me marry ANYONE with a penis then marry K. When she said how embarrassed she is because she is the Mother of the drugy and the dyke. (my brother's the drugy). Like the day she told me that Bill offered his sperm to me and when I said we wanted a Mexican donor she then proceeded to offer up Bill's stepson who is 25% Mexican. Of course without thinking of this poor 20 year old kid or my feelings. Or the day when K & I talked about TTC years ago and my Mom said the rest of the family didn't need to know. That her and my Dad would provide anything we needed. No baby shower necessary.

I don't know what made me think of all of this today. Well, I guess I do know. I'm over it. I'm over the people in my life not concerned with how I feel. Not concerned with what they say to me. Not concerned that my life is completely different then everyone else's and not trying to understand that. I'm tired of working so hard and everyone else in my life being completely taken care of.

I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's for all the money in the world. That doesn't mean I can't just be tired of it all. I'm tired of answering all the same questions that I've answered a million times before to try and help people to understand. I'm tired of people forgetting what I tell them and being so understanding about it.

I guess I'm just tired.